Joke Thread 5

[nickds1]

View attachment 188981

For what it's worth, I had a left leg TKR (Total Knee Replacement) a couple of years ago - I know the surgeon as we have a shared interest in restoring old Landrovers...

I told him that I wanted my old knee back (a TKR is a complete swap out of the knee joint for a metal or ceramic one - only the front of the patella is original) as I reckoned that it was mine, so I wanted it.

He asked: "Why?"

I responded: "For the dog".

He said: "No"

 

[Myfordman]

For what it's worth, I had a left leg TKR (Total Knee Replacement) a couple of years ago - I know the surgeon as we have a shared interest in restoring old Landrovers...

I told him that I wanted my old knee back (a TKR is a complete swap out of the knee joint for a metal or ceramic one - only the front of the patella is original) as I reckoned that it was mine, so I wanted it.

He asked: "Why?"

I responded: "For the dog".

He said: "No"

Don't be silly. It would not fit the dog

 

[Amateur]

Straitjackets.

Ai 46 as a pronlem toray

Thankufor brining it up

 

[Majimoto]

No one has dared mention in the media the demografics of the removal of the winter fuel payment for pensioners.
If Labour lose 2 or 3 million pensioner votes for the next election in 2029 it won't matter because they will get back in with a reduced majority and around a third of today's pensioners will have passed away so their votes won't count anyway. Fast forward another 5 years to the election in 2034 where there just may be a possibility that Labour may lose and another third of today's affected pensioners will have expired, so that means two thirds of the lost voters are no longer with us. The remaining third will mostly have dementia or in a heated care home and won't have a vote. In the unlikely event that Labour get back in in 2034 then in 2039 there won't be any of todays affected pensioners alive. and the pensioners of 2039 will be in a position of "what they never had, they won't miss"
Cynical decisions by sleazy, vote counting politicians.

Please get the Ffff politics off this thread.

It is utterly irrelevant to any humour or joke.

This applies to all the recent political comments.

Ok-- UK politics is an utter joke-- but I merely make that comment as a foreigner.

I used to quite enjoy this site, but am quickly going off of it,!!!

 

[Phil Pascoe]

For what it's worth, I had a left leg TKR (Total Knee Replacement) a couple of years ago - I know the surgeon as we have a shared interest in restoring old Landrovers...

I told him that I wanted my old knee back (a TKR is a complete swap out of the knee joint for a metal or ceramic one - only the front of the patella is original) as I reckoned that it was mine, so I wanted it.

He asked: "Why?"

I responded: "For the dog".

He said: "No"

I said the same about my toes, I wanted to put them in a bottle of vodka or something. The same no.

 

[paulrbarnard]

Straitjackets.

Perhaps he was excluding floral print jackets.

 

[Jaco]

Defence Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Old Lady: I am 94 years old.

Defence Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defence Attorney: Did you know him?

Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defence Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defence Attorney: Did you stop him?

Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defence Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defence Attorney: What happened next?

Old Lady: He began to rub all over of my body.

Defence Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defence Attorney: Why not?

Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defence Attorney: What happened next?

Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now! '

Defence Attorney: Did he take you?

Old Lady: ****, no! He just yelled, " April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little blighter.

 

[Doug B]

 

[kinverkid]

 

[JSW]

 

[Stan]

Little Jimmy, age 3, went up to his mum who was heavily pregnant. He pointed to the bump and said "what's that?"
"It's a baby", mum replied.
"Where did you get it?"
"Dad gave it to me".
Jimmy was quite happy with that and went off to play with his toys.

About an hour later he went up to his dad.
"You know that baby you gave mum?"
"Errr, yes".
"Well don't give her another one because she's eaten it".

 

[TRITON]

I said the same about my toes, I wanted to put them in a bottle of vodka or something. The sma eno.

If you ever lose a lower limb, it would make a great lamp. Especially if you enclose the foot in a flipper, in a kind of JAWS theme.

 

[Robbo3]

 

[Amateur]

 

[Doug B]

 

[dzj]

 

[stuart little]

It will stop.
After they've discussed Philip Schofield the full Israeli attack and Gary Linekers BBC salary.

What they dont know is that Amateur was a prototype for AI and 99% of these posts are now answered by AI.
In theory a lot of old men rambling on to themselves and being pacified while they sit in straight jackets in secure institutions.

Who is Al? 'A'- 'el' spells 'Al' to me!

 

[stuart little]

No one has dared mention in the media the demografics of the removal of the winter fuel payment for pensioners.
If Labour lose 2 or 3 million pensioner votes for the next election in 2029 it won't matter because they will get back in with a reduced majority and around a third of today's pensioners will have passed away so their votes won't count anyway. Fast forward another 5 years to the election in 2034 where there just may be a possibility that Labour may lose and another third of today's affected pensioners will have expired, so that means two thirds of the lost voters are no longer with us. The remaining third will mostly have dementia or in a heated care home and won't have a vote. In the unlikely event that Labour get back in in 2034 then in 2039 there won't be any of todays affected pensioners alive. and the pensioners of 2039 will be in a position of "what they never had, they won't miss"
Cynical decisions by sleazy, vote counting politicians.

Surely as the elders die, others become elderly & take their places in the 'queue'!

 

[Chubber]

Who is Al? 'A'- 'el' spells 'Al' to me!

My Mum could make us laugh with mis-hearings/pronunciations.. one of her best was an 'Al', in this case the actor 'Al Capacino'

 

[Thingybob]

Who is Al? 'A'- 'el' spells 'Al' to me!

It's the brother of famous Yorkshire man E I