EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM"I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears...."
"How much do you charge?"
"Eighty Dollars per visit," replied the doctor.
"I'll sleep on it," I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come
to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.
"Well, Eighty Dollars a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for a tenner.....I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought myself a new pickup!"
"Is that so!" With a bit of an attitude he said, "and how, may I ask, did a
bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!"
FORGET THE SHRINKS.......HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!
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Someone put up this advertisement...Late Model Mercedes-Benz for sale, $1.
No one believed it could be true so initially, no one responded. But then, an old man was curious, so he went to see the car.
The woman who advertised the car did actually sell him a Mercedes, which had done just 12,000 Kms, for $1.
She handed him the papers and the car keys. Deal done.
As the old man was leaving, he said, "I shall die of suspense if you don't tell me why this car was sold so cheap?"
The Lady replied, "I am just fulfilling the will of my deceased husband, where it's written that the money received from the sale of his Mercedes would go to his Secretary ..."
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Three police officers are up for promotion to CID. One's a graduate from Police College, a second is a University entrant and the third an old experienced beat bobby. The examiner gives each of them a barometer and tells them they have two hours to use it find out the height of the Town Hall spire.
When they return, the examiner asks the first - the Police College graduate - what his findings were and how he arrived at the answer.
"The spire's 90.5 metres high," says the graduate.
"Very close," said the examiner. "How did you arrive at that answer?"
"I paced out a base line from the town hall, got down and aligned the edge of the barometer with the spire and measured the angle between it and the ground. Then used trigonometry to work out the height."
Then the examiner asked the University graduate for his result. "I make it 90.2 metres," he said.
"Well within the acceptable margin of error." says the examiner. "And how did you get that answer?"
"I took a barometric reading at the base of the tower then climbed as high as I could inside the steeple and took a second reading. After that, it was simple to calculate the altitude."
The examiner turned to the beat bobby whose face showed years of wear from breaking up pub brawls. "What about you?"
"It's 90.365m," he said.
The examiner looks at him in surprise and says, "That's exactly right! How did you get such accuracy?"
"Easy," says the bobby. "I went to the Town Clerk's Office and told him to let me see the Town Hall plans or I'd hit him with the barometer."
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The pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary.
A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."
Silence fell over the congregation..
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubber boots."
The entire congregation said, "Amen.."
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A woman is at the checkout in a supermarket and puts her purchases on the conveyor. Behind her in the queue, swaying slightly, is a drunk. The drunk looks down at her shopping and says to her, "You're single, aintcha?"
She looks at the goods on the conveyor, bread, milk, eggs, muesli and a few other things and can't see what would lead him to that conclusion. She decides to play along, "Why yes," she says. "How did you guess?
"Cos you're ugly." says the drunk.
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Should children witness childbirth?
Here's your answer.
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby...
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed..
Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.....smack him again!'
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Never trust a cricketer!
Come all ye fair young maidens and harken unto me,
Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be.
Dandier than a sailor who's been six months at sea,
Never let a cricketer's hand an inch above your knee.
First let's take the paceman, pure speed from first to last,
My darlings do be careful; his balls are hard and fast.
Then there's the medium pacer, his balls swing either way;
He's really most persistent and can keep it up all day!
And watch for the off-spinner, girls, another awkward chap.
If you leave him half an opening, he will slip one through the gap!
Then there's the wily 'slowy', pure cunning is his strength;
He'll tempt you, then he'll trap you with his very subtle length.
So ladies, do be careful, your mothers would agree.
Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be.
And what about the opening bat, his struggles never cease!
He has only one ambition, to spend all day at the crease.
The number three is a dasher, he seldom prods and pokes.
When he goes into action, he has a fine array of strokes..
And do beware the slogger, not content with one or two;
When he arrives at the crease then only six will do.
Then there's the real stonewaller, girls, he knows what he's about;
And if you let him settle in, it's hard to get him out!
We come now to the last man, I hope this will not shock,
He doesn't mind if he's last man in, as long as he gets a knock.
So, darlings, do be careful, and be well warned by me:
Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be.
And watch the wicketkeeper, girls, he's full of flair and dash;
And if you raise your heel, he'll whip them off in a flash.
If you take the field with the captain, you had better know the score;
Or he'll have you in positions that you never knew before!
The cricket commentator is a nasty sort of bloke,
He watches all the action and describes it stroke by stroke.
Even the kindly umpire, who looks friendly as a pup;
You'll quickly find you've had it, when he puts his finger up!
