Joke Thread 5
- Thread starter Noel
- Start date
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The transcript of the recent Cobra meeting, following the Rotherham and other riots, has been released.
1st Cobra (Keir Cobra) Hiss ,hiss, hiss, hiiiisss.
2nd Cobra (Angela Cobra) Hiss, hiss, hiss, hissy fit.
3rd Cobra (PC ”Two Tier” Cobra) Hiss-off, Ange.
4th Cobra (Notverywhitty Cobra) zzzzzzzzz
1st Cobra (Keir Cobra) Hiss ,hiss, hiss, hiiiisss.
2nd Cobra (Angela Cobra) Hiss, hiss, hiss, hissy fit.
3rd Cobra (PC ”Two Tier” Cobra) Hiss-off, Ange.
4th Cobra (Notverywhitty Cobra) zzzzzzzzz
The world seems to have run out of jokes! We are just recycling the old ones.
Ah! But the old ones are the best, I hear you say!
Ah! But the old ones are the best, I hear you say!
Jaco
Established Member
From the Rotherham Advertiser:
Buttock Tattoo Terror Lands Rotherham Pair In Hospital
A furious row has broken out between a local tattoo artist and his client after what started out as a routine inking session, left both of them requiring emergency hospital treatment. Vintage film fan and part time plus size model Tracey Munter (23), had visited the Ink It Good Tattoo Emporium on Wellgate last week to have the finishing touches applied to a double buttock representation of the chariot race scene from the iconic 1959 film, Ben Hur.
Tattooist Jason Burns takes up the story. “It was a big job in more ways than one.” he told us “I’d just lit a roll up and was finishing off a centurions helmet. It’s delicate, close up work. Next thing is, I sense a slight ripple in the buttock cleavage area just around Charlton Heston’s whip, and a hissing sound – more of a whoosh than a rasp – and before I know what’s happening, there’s a flame shooting from her pineapple to my fag and my beards gone up like an Aussie bush fire. ”Jason says he rushed to the studio sink to quell the flames, only to turn round and see Tracey frantically fanning her buttock area with a damp towel.
The flames had travelled down the gas cloud and set fire to her thong which was smoking like a cheap firework. “To be honest”, said Jason, “I didn’t even realise she was wearing one. You’d need a sodding mining licence and a torch to find out for sure. She could have had a complete wardrobe in there and I’d have been none the wiser.” Jason and Tracey were taken to Rotherham District Hospital accident and emergency department where they were treated for minor burns and shock. Both are adamant that the other is to blame.
“I’m furious” said Jason, “I’ve got a face like a mange-ridden dog and my left eyebrow's not there any more. I don’t know about Ben Hur – Gone With The Wind’s more like it. You don’t just let rip in someone’s face like that. It’s dangerous.” But Tracey remains both angry and unrepentant; “I’m still in agony,” she said, “and Charlton Heston looks more like Sidney bloody Poitier now. Jason shouldn’t have had a fag on the go and there’s no way I’d guff on purpose. He’d had me on all fours for nearly an hour. I can only put up with that for so long before nature takes its course. My Kev knows that. I give him my five second warning and I’d have done the same for Jason, but I didn’t get chance – it just crept out.”
Ted Walters from the South Yorkshire Fire and Rescue service wasn’t surprised when we told him what had happened “People just don’t appreciate the dangers. “ he told us, “We get called out to more flatulence ignition incidents than kitchen fires these days, now people have moved over to oven chips. We have a slogan ‘Flame ‘n fart – keep ’em apart’. Anyone engaging in an pineapple inking scenario would do well to bear that in mind in future.”
Buttock Tattoo Terror Lands Rotherham Pair In Hospital
A furious row has broken out between a local tattoo artist and his client after what started out as a routine inking session, left both of them requiring emergency hospital treatment. Vintage film fan and part time plus size model Tracey Munter (23), had visited the Ink It Good Tattoo Emporium on Wellgate last week to have the finishing touches applied to a double buttock representation of the chariot race scene from the iconic 1959 film, Ben Hur.
Tattooist Jason Burns takes up the story. “It was a big job in more ways than one.” he told us “I’d just lit a roll up and was finishing off a centurions helmet. It’s delicate, close up work. Next thing is, I sense a slight ripple in the buttock cleavage area just around Charlton Heston’s whip, and a hissing sound – more of a whoosh than a rasp – and before I know what’s happening, there’s a flame shooting from her pineapple to my fag and my beards gone up like an Aussie bush fire. ”Jason says he rushed to the studio sink to quell the flames, only to turn round and see Tracey frantically fanning her buttock area with a damp towel.
The flames had travelled down the gas cloud and set fire to her thong which was smoking like a cheap firework. “To be honest”, said Jason, “I didn’t even realise she was wearing one. You’d need a sodding mining licence and a torch to find out for sure. She could have had a complete wardrobe in there and I’d have been none the wiser.” Jason and Tracey were taken to Rotherham District Hospital accident and emergency department where they were treated for minor burns and shock. Both are adamant that the other is to blame.
“I’m furious” said Jason, “I’ve got a face like a mange-ridden dog and my left eyebrow's not there any more. I don’t know about Ben Hur – Gone With The Wind’s more like it. You don’t just let rip in someone’s face like that. It’s dangerous.” But Tracey remains both angry and unrepentant; “I’m still in agony,” she said, “and Charlton Heston looks more like Sidney bloody Poitier now. Jason shouldn’t have had a fag on the go and there’s no way I’d guff on purpose. He’d had me on all fours for nearly an hour. I can only put up with that for so long before nature takes its course. My Kev knows that. I give him my five second warning and I’d have done the same for Jason, but I didn’t get chance – it just crept out.”
Ted Walters from the South Yorkshire Fire and Rescue service wasn’t surprised when we told him what had happened “People just don’t appreciate the dangers. “ he told us, “We get called out to more flatulence ignition incidents than kitchen fires these days, now people have moved over to oven chips. We have a slogan ‘Flame ‘n fart – keep ’em apart’. Anyone engaging in an pineapple inking scenario would do well to bear that in mind in future.”
An 89 year old man got off a 'plane at Orly Airport and slowly but manfully walked up to the immigration gate where he was asked, abruptly and rather rudely "Passport!"
The man replied "Just a moment, I have it here somewhere..." and looked through his blazer pockets one by one. After a short delay he offers it to the clearly exasperated Customs Officer. "There you are, old chap!"
The officer looks at him and asks "Why did you not 'ave ready your passport, Monsieur? Don't you know that every time you visit France you must show your passport?"
"Oh!" replied the old man. "I didn't show it on my last visit..."
"Impossible!" "Les Anglais must always show their passports when they are visiting France!"
The old man seemed to grow in stature, and gently pulled the officer's collar towards him and whispered fiercely in his ear..
"Listen, Pierre Le Fuc%wit, when I came ashore in June 1944 there wasn't a single ruddy French man within one hundred miles to show it to..."
The man replied "Just a moment, I have it here somewhere..." and looked through his blazer pockets one by one. After a short delay he offers it to the clearly exasperated Customs Officer. "There you are, old chap!"
The officer looks at him and asks "Why did you not 'ave ready your passport, Monsieur? Don't you know that every time you visit France you must show your passport?"
"Oh!" replied the old man. "I didn't show it on my last visit..."
"Impossible!" "Les Anglais must always show their passports when they are visiting France!"
The old man seemed to grow in stature, and gently pulled the officer's collar towards him and whispered fiercely in his ear..
"Listen, Pierre Le Fuc%wit, when I came ashore in June 1944 there wasn't a single ruddy French man within one hundred miles to show it to..."
The_Yellow_Ardvark
Established Member
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John Brown
Freeloading Social media influenza
They have to be the strangest threads I've read in these forums!
Blackswanwood
Still Learning
Doug B
Shy Tot
stuart little
Established Member
Mary on the railroad picking up stones,
Along came a train & broke her bones,
"OH" said Mary "That's not fair",
"OH" said the driver (engineer) "I don't care!"
Along came a train & broke her bones,
"OH" said Mary "That's not fair",
"OH" said the driver (engineer) "I don't care!"
Yorkieguy
Established Member
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