Joke Thread 4 (closed).

[Jaco]

Lone Ranger​

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse....alone."
The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,
"Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse. For the last time . . . BRING POSSE

 

[Phill05]

An elderly couple had a son, who was still living with them.
The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career.
So they decided to do a small test.

They put a note on the front hall table that they had gone away for a while. Along with the note they put a £20 note, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey.
Then they hid, pretending they were not at home.
The father tells his wife, “If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the Bible, he will be a clergy, but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I’m afraid our son will be a no-good drunkard.”

So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously.
Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son read the note that they had left.
Then he took the £20 note, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.
After that, he took the Bible, flipped through it, and put it under his arm.
Finally, he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative sip to be assured of the quality.
Then he went to his room, carrying all three items.

The father slapped himself on the forehead and said: “This is worse than I could ever have imagined!”
“What - Why?" asked the wife.
“Our son is going to be a politician!”

 

[Alex H]

 

[Jaco]

The mortician​

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive,
expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asked the deceased's wife
how
she would like the body dressed . He points out that the man does look
good
in the black suit he is already wearing.


The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his
best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the
mortician a blank cheque and says, "I don't care what it costs, but
please
have my husband The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her
delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit


with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly She says to the
mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent
job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"


To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank cheque.
"There's no charge," he says. "No, really, I must compensate you for
the
cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.


"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a
deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly
after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit I
asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit
instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."
"So ...............................
I just switched the heads."

 

[Alex H]

 

[stuart little]

View attachment 165921

 

[stuart little]

View attachment 165923

This was asking for one!

 

[paulrbarnard]

The mortician​

I didn’t see that coming

 

[paulrbarnard]

This was asking for one!

Do you really not listen to any radio, watch any TV or read any newspapers?

 

[stuart little]

Do you really not listen to any radio, watch any TV or read any newspapers?

Why? What's that got to do with the price of fish?
Not read a newspaper for several years; not switched on radio ditto; only watch what I want/record. Occasionally look at MSN, to read the carp on there!

 

[paulrbarnard]

Why? What's that got to do with the price of fish?
Not read a newspaper for several years; not switched on radio ditto; only watch what I want/record. Occasionally look at MSN, to read the carp on there!

Some jokes are topical

To help out: Kim Kardashian’s has just started an educational tour of schools to teach how to properly mix concrete for use in butt lifts.

 

[stuart little]

Some jokes are topical

To help out: Kim Kardashian’s has just started an educational tour of schools to teach how to properly mix concrete for use in butt lifts.

Now that explains a lot!!!!! Can't stand, nor have ANY interest whatever in that 'clan'.

 

[Noel]

From today's news:

A yoga class was cut short after a member of the public called the police to report a “mass killing” after seeing several people lying on the floor.

Participants in the class, which was being held at the Seascape cafe, inside the North Sea observatory in Chapel St Leonards, Skegness, Lincolnshire, were in the midst of meditation when officers turned up on Wednesday night.


In a Facebook post, the cafe said someone had “reported a mass killing” after seeing people on the floor inside the building.

They wrote: “If anyone heard the mass of police sirens in Chapel St Leonards at 9.30pm last night then please be reassured …

“They were on their way to the observatory after someone had reported a mass killing in our building, having seen several people laying on the floor … which actually turned out to be the yoga class in meditation.

Unity yoga ·
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Can confirm everyone is safe and we all enjoyed a wonderful evening of meditation and yoga.

My heart goes out to the people who thought I was a murderer but I can assure you I just hold space for deep relaxation

 

[Amateur]

 

[Amateur]

 

[Doug B]

 

[woodhutt]

 

[Doug B]

 

[Blackswanwood]

 

[Doug B]