Sometimes
Sometimes...when you cry, no one sees your tears.
Sometimes...when you are in pain, no one sees your hurt.
Sometimes...when you are worried, no one sees your stress.
Sometimes...when you are happy, no one sees your smile.
But fart just ONE TIME!
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Poison
A man goes to see his priest.
"Father, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The priest asked, "What 's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The priest, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"
The priest then offers: "Tell you what. Let me talk to her; I'll see what I can find out, and I 'll let you know." A week later the priest calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said, "Yes".
The priest replied, "Take the poison."
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Girl With A Glass Eye
A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. Reflexively, he reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies ....
You just happened to catch my eye.
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A prolific 89 year old shoplifter was sentenced to 18 months imprisonment.
On appeal it was reduced to life.
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Bank
A customer moves away from a bank window, counts his change, and then goes back and says to the cashier, "Hey, you gave me the wrong change!"
"Sir, you stepped away from the counter," said the cashier. "We don't make corrections after you leave. There's nothing I can do about it now. That's the policy of this bank."
"Well, ok," answered the customer. "Just thought you'd like to know that you gave me an extra twenty. Bye."
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Gardening
A beautiful woman loved gardening, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked him, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"
The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
"No," she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
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Veterans
Fred mistakenly gets on a bus full of war veterans, but upon discovering it is going his way, decides to stay on for the ride.
He sits down next to a guy that jerks his head to the left every few seconds, over and over. This really starts to get on Fred's nerves so he asks him, "What the heck is wrong with you?"
The reply is, "l got this in the war."
Fred finds this pretty annoying so he switches seats.
The next guy he sits by has uncontrollable spastic twitches in his right leg, causing him to kick the seat in front of him, and even kicks Fred a few times.
So Fred asks him, "What the heck is wrong with you?"
Again the answer is, "l got this in the war."
Fred moves.
The next guy poor Fred sits by begins erratically flailing his left hand. Fred says, "Let me guess, you got that in the war."
His reply was, "No, l got it out of my nose. I can't get it off of my hand."
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Funeral
Judy got married and had 13 children. Her first husband Ted died of cancer.
She married again, and with Bob she had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident 12 years later.
Judy again remarried,.... and this time she and John had 5 more children. Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend Margaret: "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"
Margaret replied:...."I think he means her legs, Ethel..."
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Halloween costume
Desperate for a unique Halloween costume for an up-coming party, my friend, Jessica had an inspired idea.
She put on a slinky dress and fishnet stockings, and then balanced a small table-top on her head. Affixed to it was a lamp, a champagne glass and an ashtray with two cigarette butts.
She went as a 'one night stand'......and won first prize!
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Work
A young man applied for a job at a new factory being built in a nearby town. He entered the main office, where the receptionist directed him down the hall to an office where he was to be interviewed by the Personnel Officer.
After several minutes of describing and explaining all about the new factory, the Personnel Officer told the young man,
"We need individuals who are totally responsible."
The young man grinned and responded:
"Well, I sure qualify. Everywhere I've worked, when something went wrong, I was always responsible!"
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Greeter
Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and
a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.
One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome."
"Yes, I know boss, and I am sorry and am working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear.”
“Yes sir, I understand your concern and I will try harder.“
Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, “I know you're retired from the Armed Forces.
What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning late so often?"
The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin, "They usually saluted and said, Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir?
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Heavy Load
There was a man driving down the road behind an 18 wheeler, at every stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door. After seeing this at several intersections in a row the motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot.
When they both had come to a stop the truck driver once again jumped out and started banging on the trailer door. The motorist went up to him and said, "I don't mean to be nosey but why do you keep banging on that door?"
To which the trucker replied, "Sorry, can't talk now, I have 20 tons of canaries and a 10 ton limit, I have to keep half of them in the air all the time!"
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A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his homosexuality from his parents, goes over to their house and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. Sitting down at the kitchen table, he lets out a big sigh and says, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."
His mother made no reply, and the guy was about to repeat it, when she turned to him and said calmly, "You're gay? Doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"
Nervously, the guy said, "Uh, yeah, Mom, well I guess so."
His mother went back to stirring the pot. Suddenly, she whirled around and whacked him over the head with her spoon, saying, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!"
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The 4 'F's
The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": 1. Fighting; 2. Fleeing; 3. Feeding; and 4. Mating.
-- Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course
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