Couple of jokes
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Phil Pascoe
Established Member
When I go to an Indian, I always order a tarka masala ............ it's like a tikka masala, but a little otter.
walterburg
New member
Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners.
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
There was a race between a brunette, a redhead and a blonde to swim across the English Channel; doing only the breaststroke.
After about 14 hours the brunette staggered up on shore and was declared the winner.
About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up to the finish line in second.
Nearly four hours after that, the blond finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporter asked why it took her considerably longer to finish the race, she replied -
"I don't like to sound like a sore loser -- but I think those two other girls were using their arms!"
After about 14 hours the brunette staggered up on shore and was declared the winner.
About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up to the finish line in second.
Nearly four hours after that, the blond finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporter asked why it took her considerably longer to finish the race, she replied -
"I don't like to sound like a sore loser -- but I think those two other girls were using their arms!"
Woodmonkey
Established Member
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
(Sorry that's all I've got)
A carrot.
(Sorry that's all I've got)
finneyb
Established Member
I was standing at the bar at the local British Legion club one night minding my own business.
This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute.
You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches...but,
When you’re over seventy..............who cares?
**********
I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”;
I said "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
When you’re over seventy..............who cares?
***********
I was talking to a young woman in the local British Legion club last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”;
I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”;
Cost me a fat lip, but...
When you’re over seventy..............who cares?
**********
I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born
just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then... try"
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on,
what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the nuts, but...
When you’re over seventy...............who cares?
*********
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you’re over seventy...............who cares?
**********
I went to our local British Legion club last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but...
When you’re over seventy.............who cares?
**********
A bloke was driving down a motorway in England with his blonde English girlfriend and
she piped up, "I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales".
"Why do you think that?" he said.
"Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says "stit ruoy su wohs".
**********
This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute.
You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches...but,
When you’re over seventy..............who cares?
**********
I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”;
I said "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
When you’re over seventy..............who cares?
***********
I was talking to a young woman in the local British Legion club last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”;
I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”;
Cost me a fat lip, but...
When you’re over seventy..............who cares?
**********
I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born
just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then... try"
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on,
what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the nuts, but...
When you’re over seventy...............who cares?
*********
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you’re over seventy...............who cares?
**********
I went to our local British Legion club last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but...
When you’re over seventy.............who cares?
**********
A bloke was driving down a motorway in England with his blonde English girlfriend and
she piped up, "I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales".
"Why do you think that?" he said.
"Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says "stit ruoy su wohs".
**********
finneyb
Established Member
I was standing at the bar at the local British Legion club one night minding my own business.
This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute.
You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches...but,
When you’re over seventy..............who cares?
**********
I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”;
I said "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
When you’re over seventy..............who cares?
***********
I was talking to a young woman in the local British Legion club last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”;
I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”;
Cost me a fat lip, but...
When you’re over seventy..............who cares?
**********
I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born
just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then... try"
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on,
what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the nuts, but...
When you’re over seventy...............who cares?
*********
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you’re over seventy...............who cares?
**********
I went to our local British Legion club last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but...
When you’re over seventy.............who cares?
**********
A bloke was driving down a motorway in England with his blonde English girlfriend and
she piped up, "I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales".
"Why do you think that?" he said.
"Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says "stit ruoy su wohs".
**********
This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute.
You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches...but,
When you’re over seventy..............who cares?
**********
I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”;
I said "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
When you’re over seventy..............who cares?
***********
I was talking to a young woman in the local British Legion club last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”;
I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”;
Cost me a fat lip, but...
When you’re over seventy..............who cares?
**********
I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born
just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then... try"
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on,
what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the nuts, but...
When you’re over seventy...............who cares?
*********
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you’re over seventy...............who cares?
**********
I went to our local British Legion club last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but...
When you’re over seventy.............who cares?
**********
A bloke was driving down a motorway in England with his blonde English girlfriend and
she piped up, "I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales".
"Why do you think that?" he said.
"Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says "stit ruoy su wohs".
**********
I’ve found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It’s shift work.
And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life.
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
It’s shift work.
And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life.
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
- Joined
- 19 Mar 2007
- Messages
- 5,295
- Reaction score
- 411
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why, thank you very much, he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says, "Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.
How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"
The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens...."
On the way he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why, thank you very much, he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says, "Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.
How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"
The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens...."
- Joined
- 19 Mar 2007
- Messages
- 5,295
- Reaction score
- 411
OK, what's the difference between crabs and lobsters?
Answers please
Answers please
Robbo3
Established Member
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like an apple.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here; I'll go on a head."
I wondered why the cricket ball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, “Dam!"
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron.” The other says, "Are you sure?” The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
When chemists die, they barium.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid.
He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club,
but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a type-O.
PMS jokes aren't funny; period.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
Velcro — what a rip off!
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.
---------------
Everyone's a comedian nowadays.
Even the paramedic who was unable to resuscitate Whitney couldn't avoid a gag!
When he radioed dispatch and said "It's Houston, we have a problem!"
---------
My dad worked on the roadwork’s for twenty years before he got fired for stealing!
At first I didn't believe it.... but when I got home all the signs were there.
I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like an apple.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here; I'll go on a head."
I wondered why the cricket ball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, “Dam!"
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron.” The other says, "Are you sure?” The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
When chemists die, they barium.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid.
He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club,
but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a type-O.
PMS jokes aren't funny; period.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
Velcro — what a rip off!
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.
---------------
Everyone's a comedian nowadays.
Even the paramedic who was unable to resuscitate Whitney couldn't avoid a gag!
When he radioed dispatch and said "It's Houston, we have a problem!"
---------
My dad worked on the roadwork’s for twenty years before he got fired for stealing!
At first I didn't believe it.... but when I got home all the signs were there.
user22161
Established Member
Some time in the future Trump dies and goes to hell. When he dies he's still suffering from the same problem of not looking ahead at the effect his comments/actions have.
Obviously, on arrival, he's interviewed by the devil who advises him he has to do 10 years good work to qualify for a transfer to heaven and, he has the choice of replacing one of the 3 upcoming vacancies in the presidential cells. The choice will be his.
First door opens and Nixon is there, swimming in a pool full of ice, chipping it into cubes for the devil's bar. "Can't do that says Trump, can't swim".
Next door, there's Bush breaking rocks for hardcore in new roads "Sorry says Trump - bad shoulder"
O.K then, last option. Door opens and there's Clinton, prone on a bed with Monica kneeling down - doing what Monica does best. "Good grief, does he get that 24 hours a day?" "Yes replies the devil, must get very boring after a while" "OK says Trump. I want this cell" "You absolutely sure?" "Yes, definitely" "O.K. says the devil - Off to heaven Monica"
Obviously, on arrival, he's interviewed by the devil who advises him he has to do 10 years good work to qualify for a transfer to heaven and, he has the choice of replacing one of the 3 upcoming vacancies in the presidential cells. The choice will be his.
First door opens and Nixon is there, swimming in a pool full of ice, chipping it into cubes for the devil's bar. "Can't do that says Trump, can't swim".
Next door, there's Bush breaking rocks for hardcore in new roads "Sorry says Trump - bad shoulder"
O.K then, last option. Door opens and there's Clinton, prone on a bed with Monica kneeling down - doing what Monica does best. "Good grief, does he get that 24 hours a day?" "Yes replies the devil, must get very boring after a while" "OK says Trump. I want this cell" "You absolutely sure?" "Yes, definitely" "O.K. says the devil - Off to heaven Monica"
