Couple of jokes

[graduate_owner]

This is a bit rude, and a bit long, sorry in advance.

Paddy was in London to watch the rugby between England and Ireland. After the match, with some time to spare he decided to go shopping.
First he went in to a well known chain store and bought some sexy underwear for his wife.
Then he saw a shop advertising wellies at a really low price so he went in to buy a pair.
While trying them on, he noticed one had L on and the other had R.

Paddy - hey, are you sure these are a pair, because one says L and the other says R
Shopkeeper - Yes sir, they are a pair, the L stands for Left and the R for right
Paddy looks bemused, then after a whort hesitation he says ' ah, I see'
Shopkeeper ( condescendingly) - yes sir, it's so you know which foot to ...
Paddy interrupting him - no I'm not talking about the wellies, I've just realised why my wife's underwear has C and A on.

I told you it was rude.

K

 

[Cordy]

I held the door open for a gorgeous blonde in the pub last night.

The wife said "You've never held the door open for me"

I replied "What about the time you threatened to leave"

 

[NazNomad]

A Nigerian prince has died and left $200 Million to his cat.

Apparently he tried to give away his fortune for years but nobody responded to any of his emails.

 

[Robbo3]

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea (sic)...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks,
so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

 

[Robbo3]

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
--
The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops.... although, they do make me look a bit gay.
--
Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."
--
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a Vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
--
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador." "Really, ..." says Mick "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
--
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid...then I was petrified.
--
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
--
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.
--
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot .....
--
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70! "Blow this," I thought, "I can get one cheaper off the web."
--
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
--
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
--
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, "That guy's heading for a breakdown."

 

[NazNomad]

My friend's allergic to rice.

He's basmatic.

 

[AES]

Well after a number of good (and a few not so good!) short puns, I'm now going to have to bore you all with a very L O N G shaggy dog story. (Those with a short attention span can log off now).

A very young and totally sexually inexperienced vicar decided to marry the beautiful young blue-eyed blonde he'd been admiring from a distance since childhood.

After a long and tortuous courtship the young couple duly decided to marry, and at the vicar's own church too. Being so new in the calling it was decided that the Bishop of the local diocese would perform the ceremony to ensure that the couple got off to a good start with the local congregation.

Despite lots of blushes and mumbled vows by the couple, the ceremony eventually went off just fine, amidst a generally beaming congregation of both locals and family well-wishers.

It was only during the wedding breakfast that the young vicar learnt that the very quiet and discreet country hotel tucked snugly away in a beautiful forest that he'd booked for the honeymoon was actually only a few minutes walk from the Bishop's private residence. Despite his misgivings it was too late to make any changes to the honeymoon plans, so the couple, somewhat apprehensively, decided to go ahead anyway.

Having been warmly welcomed by the very well-schooled hotel staff, and finally alone at last, the couple retired to the sumptuous bridal suite. In spite of initial shyness things went swimmingly and they enjoyed a truly wonderful night - FAR beyond anything they'd ever imagined in their wildest dreams.

Waking up next morning to bright sunshine streaming through their windows, and with the birds singing their heads off, the couple decided that to put an even sharper edge on their appetite for breakfast, they should go for a short stroll though the local village - despite all their exertions of the previous night.

But to their great consternation, who should the now radiant young couple meet after only 5 minutes stroll but the Bishop coming along the other way. With no possibility to avoid him, the vicar decided to brazen things out despite his own and his bride's extreme embarassment.

Raising his hat politely the young vicar wished his Bishop a very good morning.

"And a very good morning to you both" replied the Bishop. "Beautiful little spot eh?"

"Yes" said the vicar. "And cunningly concealed too!"

AES

 

[Robbo3]

The Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh

His dizzy aunt ................................ Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes .................... Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store . Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ............... U Gogh
His magician uncle ............................ Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ............................ A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother .... Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach ............ Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle ......................... Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt ..................... Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle .......................... Flamin Gogh
The fruit-loving cousin ....................... Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking .......... Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ...................... Po Gogh
A sister who loved disco ...................... Go Gogh
The niece who travels the country in an RV .... Winnie Bay Gogh

The uncle who dominates every party ........... Big E Gogh
The cousin who studies maths .................. Al Gogh Rythm
The future administrator ...................... Mun Gogh
The musical nephew ............................ Bon Gogh
The sister who never married .................. Vir Gogh

I saw you smiling . . . there ya Gogh!

 

[NazNomad]

I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment about their moustache, and suddenly... she’s not your friend any more.