Another Joke
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Love it.
Doug B
Shy Tot
AES
Established Member
Now THAT really IS cringe worthy Doug!
BTW, do you know why they don't eat french fries in Wiltshire?
Because they have no Devizes for Chippenham.
BTW, do you know why they don't eat french fries in Wiltshire?
Because they have no Devizes for Chippenham.
Last edited:
billw
The Tattooed One
Paddy and Mick were opening their sandwiches one lunchtime and Mick looks in his and says "oh no. Cheese and pickle again. I don't even like cheese and pickle." So Paddy gives him one of his sandwiches.
The next day it happens again, Mick's got cheese and pickle. Wednesday the same thing.
Thursday comes round and once again Mick's got the same old sandwiches. Now Paddy's getting a bit fed up by this point and says "Mick, for god's sake why don't you just tell your wife that you don't like cheese and pickle?" and Mick replies "what would I do that for Paddy, I make them myself".
The next day it happens again, Mick's got cheese and pickle. Wednesday the same thing.
Thursday comes round and once again Mick's got the same old sandwiches. Now Paddy's getting a bit fed up by this point and says "Mick, for god's sake why don't you just tell your wife that you don't like cheese and pickle?" and Mick replies "what would I do that for Paddy, I make them myself".
billw
The Tattooed One
Phil Pascoe
Established Member
I worked with a chap years ago (he went in with the cakes and came out with the buns), and one day we watched him at lunch picking the bits of onion out of French onion soup. What are you doing that for ? I asked. Because I don't like onions.
Jameshow
Established Member
Well, a Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam'.
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato'.
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
She would eat properly so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring Cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. And Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for those hard-boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French Fries, and when she went out West, she must watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
They sent Yam to Idaho PU (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be "in the Chips".
But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Geoffrey Boycott.
"Geoffrey Boycott!!!!", they cried.
They were very upset and told Yam "You can't possibly marry Geoffrey Boycott because he's just ...
Are you ready for this? Are you sure?
*
OK! You asked for it - here it is!
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
... just a COMMONTATER!"
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato'.
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
She would eat properly so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring Cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. And Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for those hard-boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French Fries, and when she went out West, she must watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
They sent Yam to Idaho PU (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be "in the Chips".
But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Geoffrey Boycott.
"Geoffrey Boycott!!!!", they cried.
They were very upset and told Yam "You can't possibly marry Geoffrey Boycott because he's just ...
Are you ready for this? Are you sure?
*
OK! You asked for it - here it is!
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
... just a COMMONTATER!"
Jameshow
Established Member
Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"
Paddy says, "Yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."
Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor. Mick says, "Oh, no, Paddy, what ya doing?"
Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."
The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.
Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him, "do you want the winner of the next race?"
Paddy replies "no tanks, I've only got a small garden."
Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.
Mick "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!"
A coach load of paddys on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going..... the driver won £52!
Paddy's racing snail is not winning races anymore. So he decided to take it's shell off to reduce it's weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn't work, if anything it made him more sluggish.
Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it. He phones the police and says "Bejesas I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "is it tickin?, Paddy says "No I tink it's beef"
Paddy says, "Yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."
Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor. Mick says, "Oh, no, Paddy, what ya doing?"
Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."
The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.
Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him, "do you want the winner of the next race?"
Paddy replies "no tanks, I've only got a small garden."
Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.
Mick "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!"
A coach load of paddys on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going..... the driver won £52!
Paddy's racing snail is not winning races anymore. So he decided to take it's shell off to reduce it's weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn't work, if anything it made him more sluggish.
Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it. He phones the police and says "Bejesas I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "is it tickin?, Paddy says "No I tink it's beef"
Jameshow
Established Member
An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman are working on a building site...Did I?! That's the entire joke as long as I've known it
High above the city, they sit together, eating their lunch as they do every lunchtime.
The Englishman, Arthur, opens his lunchbox and picks out his sandwiches.
"I say! roast beef sandwiches. I'm sick of roast beef sandwiches! If I've got roast beef sandwiches tomorrow, I shall throw myself off this building!"
Andrew, the Scot, opens his sandwiches, "Ach! haggis sandwiches! I'm sick of haggis sandwiches! If I get haggis sandwiches tomorrow, I shall throw myself off this building!"
Paddy likewise opens his sandwiches, "Feck! potato sandwiches! I'm sick of potato sandwiches! If I get potato sandwiches tomorrow, I shall throw myself off this building!"
the next days comes and, what do you know. Arthur has roast beef again. Without a word, he jumps from the 20th floor. Likewise, Andrew has haggis. Without so much as a whisper, he swan-dives the full 20 floors.
Mournfully, Paddy eyes his potato sandwiches. With a final salute to the world, he too jumps off. All three men quite dead.
At the funeral the tearful wife of the Englishman says, "All Arthur had to do was tell me he didn't like roast beef. I'd have made him another filling!"
The wife of the Scotsman sniffs, "I loved my Andrew! I would have made him any sandwich he'd asked for, if he'd just said something!"
The wife of the Irishman is quite unmoved, "The fecking idiot made his own sandwiches!"
Paddy had a terrible accident on the building site and was off work for months. The day before he was due to return the foreman gathered the workers together and said 'Paddy's coming back to work tomorrow but he lost both his ears in the accident and feels very self conscious so please none of you say anything about it.
The day goes fine until Paddy meets up with his mate Mick who wants to give him a bit of a boost, so Mick says 'Hi Paddy I see your eyesight's got better'
'Whaddaya mean?' asks Paddy and Mick replies
'Well I see you're not wearing your glasses anymore'
The day goes fine until Paddy meets up with his mate Mick who wants to give him a bit of a boost, so Mick says 'Hi Paddy I see your eyesight's got better'
'Whaddaya mean?' asks Paddy and Mick replies
'Well I see you're not wearing your glasses anymore'
I used to know a guy who ran a small coach company and he regularly ran mystery tours with 1 or 2 nights away. He often had potential customers call him before booking a ticket to ask, often very insistently, where the tour was headed. He never told them, but never let them know this was because he didn't know himself. He always waited until a couple of days before the tour and rang round different hotels to find out where he could get the best deal.
Ordering a Pizza in 2022
CALLER:
Is this Pizza Hut?
GOOGLE:
No sir, it's Google Pizza.
CALLER:
I must have dialed a wrong number, sorry.
GOOGLE:
No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.
CALLER:
OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE:
Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER:
My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE:
According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER:
Super! That’s what I’ll have.
GOOGLE:
May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
CALLER:
What? I don’t want a vegetarian pizza!
GOOGLE:
Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER:
How the hell do you know that?
GOOGLE:
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER:
Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetarian pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE:
Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once at Lloyds Pharmacy, 4 months ago.
CALLER:
I bought more from another Pharmacy.
GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
CALLER:
I paid in cash.
GOOGLE:
But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER:
I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your latest tax returns, unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law!
CALLER:
WHAT THE HELL!
GOOGLE:
I'm sorry sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER:
Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without the internet, TV, where there is no phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE:
I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...
Welcome to the future ?
CALLER:
Is this Pizza Hut?
GOOGLE:
No sir, it's Google Pizza.
CALLER:
I must have dialed a wrong number, sorry.
GOOGLE:
No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.
CALLER:
OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE:
Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER:
My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE:
According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER:
Super! That’s what I’ll have.
GOOGLE:
May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
CALLER:
What? I don’t want a vegetarian pizza!
GOOGLE:
Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER:
How the hell do you know that?
GOOGLE:
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER:
Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetarian pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE:
Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once at Lloyds Pharmacy, 4 months ago.
CALLER:
I bought more from another Pharmacy.
GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
CALLER:
I paid in cash.
GOOGLE:
But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER:
I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your latest tax returns, unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law!
CALLER:
WHAT THE HELL!
GOOGLE:
I'm sorry sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER:
Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without the internet, TV, where there is no phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE:
I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...
Welcome to the future ?
Doug B
Shy Tot
This one struck a cord 
AES
Established Member
Yes Doug, with me too (but in my - slight - defence, you can change the above 50 to about 65).
Boy Strawberry says to Girl Strawberry;
"If we hadn't been in the same bed together we wouldn't be in this jam now".
At least the bike was clean
"If we hadn't been in the same bed together we wouldn't be in this jam now".
Actually, a chap on my bike forum was out for the day in the wilds of Yorkshire. He said he had a sore chest and felt a bit sick, but cycled the 20 miles home, washed and dried the bike then went to the doctor. Oh looks like youve had 3 small heart attacks.This one struck a cord
At least the bike was clean
Doug B
Shy Tot
Doug B
Shy Tot
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