AES
Established Member
You've been eves dropping in Switzerland today, haven't you 
Another Joke
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Robbo3
Established Member
A man walked into a restaurant and ordered squid
'Certainly sir,' says Gervaise -the waiter.
'Would you like to choose your squid from the tank over there.'
'I'll have that little green one with the monstache,' said the customer.
'Oh no,' replies Gervaise, 'but he's my favourite, he's so small and cute and friendly surely you'd prefer one of the bigger meatier ones?'
'No,' said the customer, 'its got to be that one.'
So Gervaise got the little green squid out and put him on the chopping block, and raised his knife and the little squid looked up and smiled, twitching his bushy moustache and a big friendly grin.
'It's no good,' said Gervaise, 'I can't do it, I'll get to ask Hans who does the washing up. He's big, tough brute - he'll beable to do the evil deed,'
So out came Hans, while Gervaise disappeared in tears.
Hans picked up the knife, raises it to chop the little squids head off and once again the little friendly squid looked up and smiled, wiggling his little legs and twitching his little moustache.
So Hans, too finds it impossible to kill him.
The Moral:
Hans that does dishes is as soft as Gervaise
with mild green - hairy-lip-squid
'Certainly sir,' says Gervaise -the waiter.
'Would you like to choose your squid from the tank over there.'
'I'll have that little green one with the monstache,' said the customer.
'Oh no,' replies Gervaise, 'but he's my favourite, he's so small and cute and friendly surely you'd prefer one of the bigger meatier ones?'
'No,' said the customer, 'its got to be that one.'
So Gervaise got the little green squid out and put him on the chopping block, and raised his knife and the little squid looked up and smiled, twitching his bushy moustache and a big friendly grin.
'It's no good,' said Gervaise, 'I can't do it, I'll get to ask Hans who does the washing up. He's big, tough brute - he'll beable to do the evil deed,'
So out came Hans, while Gervaise disappeared in tears.
Hans picked up the knife, raises it to chop the little squids head off and once again the little friendly squid looked up and smiled, wiggling his little legs and twitching his little moustache.
So Hans, too finds it impossible to kill him.
The Moral:
Hans that does dishes is as soft as Gervaise
with mild green - hairy-lip-squid
Trainee neophyte
Established Member
That is truly, fabulously awful. It takes class and effort and creativity to be as horrifically dreadful as that. We stand in the shadow of a giant.
AES
Established Member
Of course, you'll all have heard of Ashogi, the brilliant Japanese engineering student?
Being an excellent student AND an enthusiast to boot, with specialisation in Electronic-Mechanical interfacing, he was over the moon when, upon graduating with an Honours Degree in Engineering AND first in his class at Tokyo Uni that year, he was offered the position of Leading Development Engineer on the Suzuki motorcycle Moto GP and Trials & Scrambling AND World Superbike teams.
Even better, a year later, when Suzuki made a clean sweep and won the World Championships in all classes, his joy was knew no bounds.
But as ever with such fabulous stories, there was a dark cloud on his horizon.
As we all know, bowing (formally, from the waist downwards) forms an integral part of Japanese culture, particularly so within the higher echelons of a large company like Suzuki.
You see, poor old Ashogi had a problem - every time he bowed he farted. And even worse, his farts were always LOUD - not stinky you understand, but very, VERY loud! And as a crowning problem for someone inhabiting the upper levels of the Suzuki hierarchy, has farts always sounded just like "HONNDDARRRRRRR".
So facing the upcoming formal dinner to celebrate the Suzuki team's - and in particularly his own - successes, he decided he MUST do something about his very loud "Honda problem".
So he arranged an urgent appointment with his GP.
After a thorough top to toe examination the Doctor admitted defeat and could find nothing at all wrong with Ashogi. He could only suggest that he make a dentist's appointment just to be sure.
After a quick examination followed by some immediate extensive dental work with Ashogi in the chair, the dentist finished up and invited Ashogi to try the finished result.
"Absolute magic" cried Ashogi when, after several pretty strenuous trial formal bowing sessions, not only was there no sound of "Honda", but even better, there was only complete silence - not even the faintest suggestion of a fart.
"WONDERFUL" cried Ashogi, "But I don't understand. Why should my teeth have anything to do with my farting problem?"
"Oh" said the dentist "Didn't you know .....................
"Abscess makes the fart go Honda"
Being an excellent student AND an enthusiast to boot, with specialisation in Electronic-Mechanical interfacing, he was over the moon when, upon graduating with an Honours Degree in Engineering AND first in his class at Tokyo Uni that year, he was offered the position of Leading Development Engineer on the Suzuki motorcycle Moto GP and Trials & Scrambling AND World Superbike teams.
Even better, a year later, when Suzuki made a clean sweep and won the World Championships in all classes, his joy was knew no bounds.
But as ever with such fabulous stories, there was a dark cloud on his horizon.
As we all know, bowing (formally, from the waist downwards) forms an integral part of Japanese culture, particularly so within the higher echelons of a large company like Suzuki.
You see, poor old Ashogi had a problem - every time he bowed he farted. And even worse, his farts were always LOUD - not stinky you understand, but very, VERY loud! And as a crowning problem for someone inhabiting the upper levels of the Suzuki hierarchy, has farts always sounded just like "HONNDDARRRRRRR".
So facing the upcoming formal dinner to celebrate the Suzuki team's - and in particularly his own - successes, he decided he MUST do something about his very loud "Honda problem".
So he arranged an urgent appointment with his GP.
After a thorough top to toe examination the Doctor admitted defeat and could find nothing at all wrong with Ashogi. He could only suggest that he make a dentist's appointment just to be sure.
After a quick examination followed by some immediate extensive dental work with Ashogi in the chair, the dentist finished up and invited Ashogi to try the finished result.
"Absolute magic" cried Ashogi when, after several pretty strenuous trial formal bowing sessions, not only was there no sound of "Honda", but even better, there was only complete silence - not even the faintest suggestion of a fart.
"WONDERFUL" cried Ashogi, "But I don't understand. Why should my teeth have anything to do with my farting problem?"
"Oh" said the dentist "Didn't you know .....................
"Abscess makes the fart go Honda"
Last edited:
Doug B
Shy Tot
Doug B
Shy Tot
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!'
He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.
After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.
He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'
'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey
She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!'
He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.
After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.
He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'
'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey
flying haggis
Established Member
Doug B
Shy Tot
Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part !!"
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part !!"
Robbo3
Established Member
Bacon Tree
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving.
They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says:
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Is, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon."
With renewed hope, they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon, every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Ees a bacon tree!"
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage?
We ees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon?
Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!"
With that, Luis staggers towards the tree.
He gets to within 5 yards, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.
Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath:
"Pepe, go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis miamigo, what ees it?"
"Pepe ees not a bacon tree. Ees...
Ees...
Ees...
Ees...
Ees...
Ees...
Ees... a ham bush."
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving.
They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says:
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Is, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon."
With renewed hope, they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon, every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Ees a bacon tree!"
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage?
We ees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon?
Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!"
With that, Luis staggers towards the tree.
He gets to within 5 yards, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.
Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath:
"Pepe, go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis miamigo, what ees it?"
"Pepe ees not a bacon tree. Ees...
Ees...
Ees...
Ees...
Ees...
Ees...
Ees... a ham bush."
Trainee neophyte
Established Member
Great to see that one come to light again. Don’t think I’ve heard it/seen it for 20+ years!
Doug B
Shy Tot
my mate got his girlfriend a present of a pug dog for Xmas
Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes & rolls of fat.
The dog seems to have taken to her
Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes & rolls of fat.
The dog seems to have taken to her
- Joined
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@Angie I demand that we, for the love of all that is both woody and holey,are given a groan emoji
the reason☝
edit
and
Let me see if I can find one.
Doug B
Shy Tot
Robbo3
Established Member
Mergers
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R.Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
And finally....
9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R.Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
And finally....
9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang
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