Need to escape/reset

[jcassidy]

Re. Work; trust is a maths problem; (relationship X time). I think some of your stress is due to changing personalities disrupting the relationships and reducing trust. You probably need to consciously reset the relationship with god communication of expectations, both theirs, and yours.

To start with, a notice telling delivery drivers that parcels can only be accepted by the main reception would be a suggestion to make...

 

[Jameshow]

While I completely agree with your plan to get away for a break to reset as you describe it everything will still be the same when you return . The risk then is you could easily become overwhelmed in a short period of time as you will inevitably compare your time away with your home and work life situation. Maybe if you start to seek help before you go and have some support ready for when you return this will offset that ( back to the same old ) feeling when you return . As others have said your problems will still be there when you return . You need to help yourself 1st and foremost then with the tools a councillor can give you you can hopefully help your missus . Reach out to her friends and ask them to help her to face her issues and not to enable her to continue with the hoarding. You both should have regular “me time” . After my son was born I told my x she needed help but she was in denial. It went on for a few years to the point where she didn’t notice our sons behaviour wasn’t normal and was getting worse. As soon as her sister said she was depressed and should see her doctor off she went -almost ran there ! So take care and hope you get sorted .

I would suggest a break for you both, then go to counselling, and then another break / holiday after counselling.

Going away by yourself isn't going to work, it will drive you apart. You will get a sense of freedom, she will feel well I can actually manage on my own. And you'll be at the solicitors before you can hit the brakes... DAMHIK....

Put your relationship first, above the hoarding, school, and the HSE. Those things although bad aren't crucial. When your closer together you can tackle those issues united!

 

[Richard_C]

I was going to reply soon after your first post, but wondered how helpful it might be. I think most of the ground has been covered with some very sound comments. No one of us can know enough of the full story so we mustn’t start with “If I were you….” because we are not you. So what follows are thoughts and ideas rather than any attempt at advice. I’m almost reluctant to say anything that might make things worse.

My background is a long career in HR ending up as HR Director of a really good employer, and I've recently stood down as a school governor and later a trustee of an Academy Trust so I know a bit about the world you live and work in.

It might be that the workshop mould problem and the fact you couldn’t do what you enjoy for a while has been a trigger - we all use our workshops as an escape, its our space and we are in control, and when you are making things time flies and you concentrate on what you enjoy. Before you 'pack up and escape', or even invest in fixing the bike, have a careful think about (and maybe even make a list) of what you enjoy and what you don't.

Take the woodturning - is it the process of making something, is it the interaction or maybe the recognition you get when you display and sell, is it the chance to make a bit of money for yourself, is it the peace and quiet while you are out there. Perhaps a bit of all of them. Do the same for work and for 'everyday'. I like .... I don't like…because.

We are all different. I like meeting people, I dislike big sociable parties. I like solving difficult problems, I don’t like interruptions when I’m working….. We never escape all the ‘don’t like’ stuff, but how can we adjust our day to get more of one and less of the other?

Lots of people might look with envy on someone who gets accommodation with the job, we had a few in the commercial world on our remote research sites. In truth it makes life that bit harder - harder to change your job (because you also need to find somewhere else to live) and nagging worry about the future, eventual retirement and so on. Your employer is your landlord - a difficult situation and you probably don’t want to risk a major falling out. That doesn’t mean you can’t try to make a few changes though.

Does your landlord know about the hoarding and might they step in and say unacceptable fire risk get it sorted – would that be a bad thing or be helpful to you? Most landlords have the right to inspect the property with due notice – maybe just the prospect of a visit would get your partner to at least improve things a bit.

I can understand hoarding although I have no real experience. The people I know and know of – brother of a neighbour in particular – lived alone but it all came to a head when he had to move into sheltered accommodation. Took weeks to clear his house. He was a neat hoarder – cans washed out, newspapers folded, but still filled all his house. It must be very difficult if you share the space with someone who hoards.

I keep far too much in the garage/workshop because that old bolt or off cut of wood might be just what I need sometime. I like fixing things. I’m reluctant to throw old clothes away, there is a hierarchy – smart, everyday, jobs and workshop, painting. But I don’t hoard for the sake of it – I can throw things away but I do have to think about it.

My mother tended to keep everything, not to the extent that it got in the way in the house, but every drawer and cupboard was stuffed. So too the pantry – how many baked beans do you need? I suspect it was deep seated memory of being one of 3 sisters in a poor household during the war – you didn’t throw anything away. Plus it was rural – by late autumn you wanted a pantry full of jam, preserved fruit, bean chutney, to see you through the winter. So perhaps what seemed unnecessary to me, in the days of supermarkets and no real shortages, was her learned experience from her youth and her form of security.

We had a big clear out of the roof space this winter after 20 years of not getting round to it. Still hard though, just one example I threw out some old 1980’s ski boots. Last used 6 years ago, we will never go skiing again because I’m 72 and my wife has arthritis. Logical to get rid, but deep down its symbolic – a full stop, admitting I will never ski again. One day, hopefully many years hence but one day, I will throw out all the car washing and fixing stuff because I will have to stop driving. It’s not the ‘stuff’, it’s what it means.

I wonder, have you talked about why she keep things and what they mean to her? Can you make incremental progress – do it together – something like let’s keep one of the dresses from the year we met but not all of them, which one? Go on, try them all on and we’ll see. Can we get one room clear and tidy so we have somewhere nice to spend time together. Maybe you’ve tried all of this but don’t give up. Is there a trigger or a target, even if it’s a bit artificial, we need to sort it by …. because . … As others have suggested it might need professional external help if you don’t make progress.

It's all to easy to think of the employer as an enemy - but that is rarely the case. Some managers are thoughtless, some are inept, but very few deliberately act against their employees’ best interests. Academy Trusts tend to be decent and responsible employers, not all, but most.. Many have an EAP - employee assistance programme - to help deliver their duty of care. EAPs offer a helpline and signposting to other resources, does yours have one? If so, you lose nothing by calling them. They are operated under strict confidentiality rules - all the employer sees is some data about how many have used the service over a period.

Why not try to take time off - some of it properly away even if the bike thing doesn’t work out. Back in my HR Director days we kept an eye on holiday records and were just as likely to challenge too few as too many. Do you have any friends or family you could visit even if only for a few days? Speak to your manager, tell them you will be on holiday and (important) away from site, ask nicely how they will cover your work, maybe with a helpful list of the essentials that will need to be covered. That should at least make them think - if you were a teacher off sick then cover would be arranged that day.

I hope you can find ways to make things better bit by bit rather than leap into the unknown. Meanwhile – weather getting warmer, back to the workshop soon? Because you want to, not just as a hiding place. I’m off to mine right now – might be an hour or two finding that 3/16th bolt I need…..

 

[Yorkieguy]

I left school age 15 in 1954 with no qualifications, and became an apprentice with national company. In the late 1960s, then in my 20s, I was promoted from the shop floor into junior management and sent on a management course. On that course, 'transactional analysis' - how humans inter-relate with each other - was explained. That coincided with the publication of two books on the topic - 'I'm OK - You're OK', and 'The Games People Play'.

Those two books are a relevant today as the day they were when they were written.

I don't want them sound like 'snake oil for the mind' - just that they've helped me a lot in my life and might help others.

I'd always got along with people since childhood and It would be facile for me to claim that all of my good fortune in life has been down to just reading two books and taking note of the contents. But that said, it's no exaggeration to say that I owe much of my successful career and happy married life, from what I learned from those books. There are lot of things in life over which we have little or no control, but we do have lots of influence over how we react, so as to achieve the best possible outcome, rather than making a bad situation worse.

I met my wife in 1960 when we were aged 20. Married in 1962, we were parents at 24 & 28. I spent my 40-year career with the same company, retiring in 1994 aged 55, to do other things with my life. Last weekend, my wife and I celebrated our 62nd wedding anniversary. We've rubbed along nicely all our married life and were able to bring up two sons to be respectful, without ever having to raise a hand to them, or to rarely raise our voices. Our sons are now aged 60 & 56, have successful careers and happy and stable marriages. We have three charming granddaughters, and we all get along just fine.

In my career, my social life and family life, what I learnt from those books helped me to get along with my peers and people at all levels, often in adversarial situations and negotiations, finding ways to disagree with others without being disagreeable. At an early stage I came to realise that you get the best out of people by supporting them - not trying to control them. No-one likes a bully and if you see you role as bossing people around, the higher up the ranks you go, the more tiers of people there are below you on whom you depend. They will make it their business to confound your efforts and will make your life a misery.

That's more than enough about me and my life - this thread is about Stig and others in his life.

For what it's worth, here are links which outline the books 'I'm OK - You're OK' and 'Games People Play':

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I'm_OK_–_You're_OK

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Games_People_Play_(book)

Here are some video reviews:

https://www.google.com/search?q=Im+...ate=ive&vld=cid:611b2d90,vid:ChUrt9uQDgk,st:0

https://www.google.com/search?q=gam...ate=ive&vld=cid:f13827ee,vid:fmt5GLh5iJQ,st:0

Worth noting at 6.08mins ‘Spouses often play games with each other’.

Hope these reflections might be of interest.

 

[Bob008]

Anyone else ever feel the need to pack a bag and run?
I've not been happy at work or at home for a while now and the more scenic reels I see on Insta the more I want to just pack a bag go. Problem is that I might not come back.
I live with a hoarder that refuses to throw stuff out because of trauma in her teens, we have 3 bedrooms and they're all full to overflowing, the hallway is stacked so I have to walk sideways to get to the toilet, I sleep on the sofa because the living room, although also full of carp, is the clearest room we have. The kitchen is a constant game of tetris having to move stuff to get to the cooker, then again to get to the sink the fridge or the washing machine. The garage is so full I barely fit my workshop and motorcycle in there.
For those that don't know, I live on site at a primary school, which is part of a 10 school academy, where I work as Site Manager, we had a new CEO start in September and whilst we haven't had any interactions his behaviour towards H&S and putting people at risk completely disgusts me, we have a small office building on site that is falling apart, last april we had rainfall coming through the light fittings, I had a structural engineer and an electrician recomend we dont use the building and knock it down, the CEO at the time and the new CEO both continued using it, even holding interviews and meetings in there and not telling people how bad the building is. Living on site means I can never really shut off from work, the house is right at the front of school, everyone passes my door to get into school which means i often get deliveries for school knocking on my front door upsetting the dogs. Recently the academy have started trying to make changes to the way I work that I don't like but can't fight as my job description is very open and as a result I've felt like leaving but financially we can't afford to, I would only have a month to find a job a home and move out. Then to top it off I find the mold in the garage/workshop that not only made me sick as a dog for 2+ weeks, could wipe out 90% of my wood stock and all of the stock I've made for Easter sales at the shop.
That's all the immediate stuff, there's so much more that makes me want to be escape, generally I hate what the world/society has become, I dream of being able to live alone, miles from civilisation where I answer to and for nobody but myself, that's not likely to happen, closest I'll get to that would be a job as an island custodian and they're few and far between.
As I sit a type all of this I wonder if my problems are real or just me getting inside my own head and making it worse myself, am I just overreacting? Do I just need a break from everything? That would be nice but taking time off work means twice as much work when I get back so how do I switch off when I know that will be waiting for me, that's why I never take time off, something HR and I constantly battle over, last year I only took 2 of my 30 days holiday, this year I've used 1 day so have 29 plus 5 carried over from last year still to use before September, maybe I'm burnt out but I don't feel how I imagine that would feel, I just feel sad/miserable/angry with a longing to be out in nature/forests/mountains on my own completely off-grid and maybe that's what I need, pack a few clothes, get on my bike and head off into the great outdoors, let the soldier I used to be take over and reset my mindset, I've got plenty of places in Wales pinned to my must see list, I could probably get round quite a few of them in a week. Just need a few £K to put it back on the road and replace the mouse bitten clothing and helmet.
It's nice to dream but then how would swmbo cope on her own? She would constantly worry and panic the whole time. Someone would have to help with the dogs when she's at work? how would I fund this escape? Putting the bike back on the road and the clothing will be around £3000 Fuel would cost a fortune, then the cost of fuelling myself, somewhere to sleep won't be cheap either unless I were to rough it with a tarp and sleeping bag, wouldn't be the first time I've done that so it's not a problem, especially if I do let the soldier out, but then he's been locked away for 20 years and for good reason.

If you've got this far I'm sorry guys, I'm ranting, I don't have friends to meet up with and talk to, which I'm fine with so no need to pity me for it, I just don't have a personality that allows for long term friendships, especially if I don't have regular contact in person, unfortunately I get bored quickly and stop making the effort to contact, especially if I start thinking that effort isn't reciprocated.
Thanks for getting this far, I'm still clueless but it always helps to share, also, I don't expect replies to this so don't feel you have to, just wondered if anyone else ever feels the same.

Poor thing! First thing is talk talk talk sounds easy enough but you’d be surprised how many people just soldier on until they crack you made a start by opening up on the forum get to the doctors and try and make an appointment to discuss this with the right services and you can get the best help
Good luck

 

[Jameshow]

Poor thing! First thing is talk talk talk sounds easy enough but you’d be surprised how many people just soldier on until they crack you made a start by opening up on the forum get to the doctors and try and make an appointment to discuss this with the right services and you can get the best help
Good luck

That was me Bob, supporting over with thier problems without dealing with my own until crack and it's all gone....

So get help Stig....

 

[PDW125]

@Stigmorgan not much more I can add other than you’re not alone … reach out to those organisations people have mentioned and get talking.

Just on holidays, your Employer has a legal requirement to allow you to take 15 days exc bank holidays as a statutory minimum so they cannot decline any holiday request. Just taking a week off work can be cathartic - you’ll probably see things in a new light and get some head space.

 

[Keith Cocker]

I left school age 15 in 1954 with no qualifications, and became an apprentice with national company. In the late 1960s, then in my 20s, I was promoted from the shop floor into junior management and sent on a management course. On that course, 'transactional analysis' - how humans inter-relate with each other - was explained. That coincided with the publication of two books on the topic - 'I'm OK - You're OK', and 'The Games People Play'.

Those two books are a relevant today as the day they were when they were written.

I don't want them sound like 'snake oil for the mind' - just that they've helped me a lot in my life and might help others.

I'd always got along with people since childhood and It would be facile for me to claim that all of my good fortune in life has been down to just reading two books and taking note of the contents. But that said, it's no exaggeration to say that I owe much of my successful career and happy married life, from what I learned from those books. There are lot of things in life over which we have little or no control, but we do have lots of influence over how we react, so as to achieve the best possible outcome, rather than making a bad situation worse.

I met my wife in 1960 when we were aged 20. Married in 1962, we were parents at 24 & 28. I spent my 40-year career with the same company, retiring in 1994 aged 55, to do other things with my life. Last weekend, my wife and I celebrated our 62nd wedding anniversary. We've rubbed along nicely all our married life and were able to bring up two sons to be respectful, without ever having to raise a hand to them, or to rarely raise our voices. Our sons are now aged 60 & 56, have successful careers and happy and stable marriages. We have three charming granddaughters, and we all get along just fine.

In my career, my social life and family life, what I learnt from those books helped me to get along with my peers and people at all levels, often in adversarial situations and negotiations, finding ways to disagree with others without being disagreeable. At an early stage I came to realise that you get the best out of people by supporting them - not trying to control them. No-one likes a bully and if you see you role as bossing people around, the higher up the ranks you go, the more tiers of people there are below you on whom you depend. They will make it their business to confound your efforts and will make your life a misery.

That's more than enough about me and my life - this thread is about Stig and others in his life.

For what it's worth, here are links which outline the books 'I'm OK - You're OK' and 'Games People Play':

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I'm_OK_–_You're_OK

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Games_People_Play_(book)

Here are some video reviews:

https://www.google.com/search?q=Im+...ate=ive&vld=cid:611b2d90,vid:ChUrt9uQDgk,st:0

https://www.google.com/search?q=gam...ate=ive&vld=cid:f13827ee,vid:fmt5GLh5iJQ,st:0

Worth noting at 6.08mins ‘Spouses often play games with each other’.

Hope these reflections might be of interest.

I would strongly recommend the two books Yorkieguy mentions. They are an interesting and ,actually, enjoyable read with a lot of good stuff to think about and try out.

 

[Richard_C]

Just on holidays, your Employer has a legal requirement to allow you to take 15 days exc bank holidays as a statutory minimum s

It's based on 20+ statutory for full time workers in the UK so now it's expressed as 28 all in because so many work the statutory hols and so many employers bent the rules. ACAS website for details.

If you read back, Stig knows he has the entitlement - in his case 30 days because his contract exceeds statutory; its just that he hasn't taken any.

As lots have said go take some time away - if money is tight and you can't stay away then plan a few consecutive days of being 'out' 8 til 8 - local visits with a flask and a picnic Walks, museums, galleries, the stuff you might do on a week away. Just try to get proper time off site and away from work contact.

 

[Adam W.]

I can imagine that it's very difficult to break away from work when you live on site.

 

[Trextr7monkey]

Hi I can’t add much to what’s up above but tiny steps forward always seems to break big problems down.
Re the work situation are there people in eg the DT dept who you get on with and can talk fairly frankly with who can then raise issues from their own angle?
I ran workshops in a school and regularly worked late on personal projects as well as sorting work issues, over the years all of the care takers would drop in and vent some of their issues knowing that our conversations were just between us but on occasions they were worried about something which I could mention at H &S meetings
Also agree that long days out with the dogs and wife might be more readily achievable than the motorbike through the valleys dream
Atb
Mike

 

[gmgmgm]

Richard_C's post is good.

From my pov, I think a real "next step" is to sort out taking some holiday. Not taking any holiday isn't good for you. Nor is it good for your school, it will be something your HR/manager are worrying about. Or should be. Don't worry FOR them, it's their job to worry about it.

One solution I've seen in the past is to agree to take off every Friday regularly until you're down to a "normal" number of outstanding holiday days. 26 days would last you 6 months. Suddenly your ratio of work:fun days goes from 5:2 to 4:3, I think you will feel a lot better and have time to think/act.

Again, it's your manager's job to worry about this, don't feel guilty taking the holiday you are owed. If they say it causes a problem, that's a staffing issue which they are responsive for sorting out. Taking off every Friday is an easy way out of this HR problem they have.

PS. A school will have a "mental health concerns" process. Have a look at what it is, see what support can be offered. Don't let this "PS" distract you from taking healthy holiday (above).

 

[MF1000]

I to live with hoarder …again driven by childhood issues. Not to the extent you have Stig as the lounge etc does get cleared periodically….but we have two double garages …and my woodwork kit etc is crammed into 2/3 of one side of one of the. I hint at needing space but it’s a very painful process….i love her to bits but it can be so frustrating

 

[Stigmorgan]

Hi I can’t add much to what’s up above but tiny steps forward always seems to break big problems down.
Re the work situation are there people in eg the DT dept who you get on with and can talk fairly frankly with who can then raise issues from their own angle?
I ran workshops in a school and regularly worked late on personal projects as well as sorting work issues, over the years all of the care takers would drop in and vent some of their issues knowing that our conversations were just between us but on occasions they were worried about something which I could mention at H &S meetings
Also agree that long days out with the dogs and wife might be more readily achievable than the motorbike through the valleys dream
Atb
Mike

Unfortunately as we are a primary school there is no workshop space in school, that's more secondary school benefits but I don't deal with gobby teens, infants are much more fun.

 

[Lons]

I don't deal with gobby teens, infants are much more fun.

They're getting gobby earlier as well says the grandfathwr of a girl just turned 11 but going on 31. She is a joy though as long as we can give her back.
I don't believe there's such a thing as a little girls, they're little women from the day they're born.

 

[Plwm]

Jeeze Stig, oh dear, a bit of a mess. There has been some very good advice on previous posts so I'll try and not go over old ground.

YOU have made the hardest first step by "talking" about what's bothering you, albeit through a forum with (probably) strangers.
I empathise with you.

During the pandemic I developed anxiety - my wife was/is on the shielding list and I work in a smallish building where we have approx 200 people from all over the country on a regular rotation that I was in close proximity to. After struggling for several months with only getting 3-4 hrs sleep a night I finally went to see a GP - He diagnosed anxiety, have been on medication since which helps me sleep through the night (mostly). My ability to deal with stress nowadays has been severly diminished.
During this time my employer was trying to push me to do a job I wasn't employed to do; it caused me so much stress I ended up in tears at work, sobbing like a child. To this day I still feel a mix of shame and embarrassment that a 50 something bloke acted like this, but I also know that it wasn't "me" and that my mental state was out of my control. I didn't go to see a GP, we're men after all. With hindsight I now know I'd had a nervous breakdown and wish I sought help then.

A couple of months ago I had my second work related nervous breakdown in 2 years - again related to proposed changes at work. With hindsight I should have realised I needed help before it happened - for maybe 6 months prior to this my colleagues saw happy smiley Neil at work but inside I felt sick, "lost" and that I could burst into tears at any moment. One day, nothing in particular happened but I couldn't stop the "emotions" welling up and just walked out. Came back an hour later and had to explain, choking back tears, what was up. My supervisor was sympathetic and told me I had to go to the doctors there and then, If I didn't they would take me. I'm glad I did. My medication was increased and I feel more settled in myself, today I had my first meeting with a therapist from the Charity MIND. Another session next week - will it help? Who knows, but it's not going to make things worse anyway!

What has all that got to do with your situation? Maybe buggerall but please, please go and chat to your GP. Don't let yourself get to breaking point. It's harder to bounce back. Mental health doesn't have the same stigma it once did and I feel no shame/embarrassment telling people I have mental health issues. Heck, I've just bared my soul to you lot!

I think someone else said similar but don't get friends involved, get professional help. It's usually easier talking to a stranger than someone you know anyway and they'll be objective.

You and your partner are a team. As someone else said "we need to get help for the hoarding to help our relationship" is supportive rather than "you need to get help...."

You mention your ex-services - my manager informed me that there is a Civil Service mental health charity that has a helpline open 24/7 365 days a year. I don't know if its available to ex-services but if you are interested drop me a PM and I'll get the phone number for you.

Aside from my problems(!) here's a few thoughts for work...
I've had a number of occasions over the years where I've had to be stubborn/ dig my heals in/ be awkward to my employer ....
In a previous role I had to inspect the forklifts at the start of each day. I like to do my job properly and often had to take the keys away as, for example, the amber beacon or horn wasn't working. They didn't like it - "how are we going to get pallets of of the warehouse? Work will stop!" "Not my problem" was the reply. Within days an engineer would be on site repairing it.
More recently my work supplied safety boots were falling apart but HQ were dragging their heels over replacing them. After 3 months of waiting I sent an email notifying them that I was no longer prepared to wear them and that should I suffer a foot injury they would be liable for any compensation, this email is a record that I have notified you. Within 2 weeks I had a new pair of boots.

What I'm trying to get at is put it in writing in an email your health and safety concerns, you then have a record.
If your the site manager and I presume have some sort of health and safety duties, tell then they have XX days to rectify the faults with the building or you will board up the door for everyone's safety. If it's raining and water comes through the electrics refuse to enter the building... Sometimes one has to let a process fail before anyone will do anything about it.
Make sure you have a record... if they sacked you you'd have evidence for a tribunal....

On a happier side note if you needed a cheap weekend away in Wales drop me a PM, we have a small wood/ Ash plantation you could put a small tent/ hammock up in (or dig a harbour, lol), campfire, picnic by the stream... Pen y Fan 10 mins away... Reminisce the glory days on SENTA...! I'd have to run it past the wife but she's not SWMBO, we're equal! Might even let you take a log or two away for turning!

You've taken the hardest step in opening up, the second and third get a little bit easier...

All the best
Neil

 

[Stigmorgan]

What I'm trying to get at is put it in writing in an email your health and safety concerns, you then have a record.
If your the site manager and I presume have some sort of health and safety duties, tell then they have XX days to rectify the faults with the building or you will board up the door for everyone's safety. If it's raining and water comes through the electrics refuse to enter the building... Sometimes one has to let a process fail before anyone will do anything about it.
Make sure you have a record... if they sacked you you'd have evidence for a tribunal....

On a happier side note if you needed a cheap weekend away in Wales drop me a PM, we have a small wood/ Ash plantation you could put a small tent/ hammock up in (or dig a harbour, lol), campfire, picnic by the stream... Pen y Fan 10 mins away... Reminisce the glory days on SENTA...! I'd have to run it past the wife but she's not SWMBO, we're equal! Might even let you take a log or two away for turning!

You've taken the hardest step in opening up, the second and third get a little bit easier...

All the best
Neil

Hi Neil, they have accepted my refusal to enter so that's not an issue, I learnt a very long time ago, the hard way, to converse via email at work so I can protect myself if need be, I also have a folder with all of my emails regarding the building printed off along with the electrical and structural reports all ready in case I need them. Unfortunately my title of Site Manager is a bit of a joke, legal responsibility for H&S lies with the headteacher, he is the responsible person, I am the appointed person so whilst it's my job to carry out the inspections and organise remedial works it is his legal responsibility to make sure its all done.

That would be amazing I will definitely bear that in mind when I get to planning the trip.


To everyone, I can't respond individually, it would take all day but be assured I have read every word of every reply, I'm blown away by your kind words and advice, plenty to think about before anything we need to sit down so i can try to make her understand how I feel and that I'm struggling to cope with what feels like being attacked at home and at work, I don't expect it to be done over night or even in weeks, just one or two boxes at a time to show that she is willing move forward instead of ignoring it and wasting whole weekends watching carp on telly.

 

[akirk]

One question for you to perhaps discuss with your wife - is it possible that she is depressed? It might be a reason for not having the mental resources to deal with clutter? Perhaps a GP trip is worthwhile?

 

[MichaelChou]

Sorry to read this stig, the local authority do have a duty to assess, hoarding is classed as a disability, one route might be to suggest to her that the academy trust have requested that on the grounds of health and safety on school property. It takes the onus off you, your local council will have a customer services number and speaking to them would get you in the right direction. Good luck.

 

[Stigmorgan]

She has battled with depression for longer than I've known her, it's one reason I've never lost my temper with her over the house even though I've come close a few times. Her depression got worse a couple years ago when we lost our Springer Spaniel, we had her from 8 weeks old and she was 15 when she passed, she was her world, our other 2 furbabies help but it's not the same.
The academy haven't done landlord inspections since the year we moved in but have been making noises about starting them again, it doesn't make a difference, I just get told that they can't dictate how we live despite the need to have electrical surveys done that require an engineer to check every plug socket.