Need to escape/reset

[Jameshow]

Hi Neil, they have accepted my refusal to enter so that's not an issue, I learnt a very long time ago, the hard way, to converse via email at work so I can protect myself if need be, I also have a folder with all of my emails regarding the building printed off along with the electrical and structural reports all ready in case I need them. Unfortunately my title of Site Manager is a bit of a joke, legal responsibility for H&S lies with the headteacher, he is the responsible person, I am the appointed person so whilst it's my job to carry out the inspections and organise remedial works it is his legal responsibility to make sure its all done.

That would be amazing I will definitely bear that in mind when I get to planning the trip.


To everyone, I can't respond individually, it would take all day but be assured I have read every word of every reply, I'm blown away by your kind words and advice, plenty to think about before anything we need to sit down so i can try to make her understand how I feel and that I'm struggling to cope with what feels like being attacked at home and at work, I don't expect it to be done over night or even in weeks, just one or two boxes at a time to show that she is willing move forward instead of ignoring it and wasting whole weekends watching carp on telly.

Just a thought if you put the hoarding into her court rather than dealing with it together I feel you'll be less effective than being united in tackling it together. By saying it's her problem, she's become alienated and belittled.

Likewise saying she's wasting weekends on crap TV isn't going to help her self esteem and motivation to get on with life.

I know I've been there and one day the thread snaps and your not together any more.

 

[Spectric]

During the pandemic I developed anxiety

I think the pandemic will be a defining moment in our history where society has changed forever, we will have BP and AP at some point.

With any problem it can only be resolved if all the info is on the table and no one is holding anything back so to start the process you will have to talk to the other half even if it might be stressful or traumatic but once the ice is broken then you may both feel better and be able to solve your problems together.

 

[Stanleymonkey]

So many amazing replies.

Keep up the paperwork records - academies are awful and will lie about anything unless you have a ton of evidence. You can't rely on other staff speaking up for you I'm afraid. My wife was unlawfully kicked out of her academy job and the staff were threatened about getting involved with the case that followed. (Sorry to be so negative)

Are you in a union? Please join one - they can't help you with things that happen before you join.

Hear me out on this one. Most primaries have a main and assistant caretaker these days. Talk to HR, can you take one morning off each week to pay back the owed time? I know that sounds stressful but there are always solutions a TA could do extra hours and unlock and check the buildings. Maybe someone's 18 year old son could work that morning and set out the lunch tables, clean the hall etc. You could break the week up a little and create some time for yourself.
Imagine getting to Tuesday evening and knowing that you have the morning off?

Look after yourself

 

[Derek Cohen (Perth Oz)]

Anyone else ever feel the need to pack a bag and run?
I've not been happy at work or at home for a while now and the more scenic reels I see on Insta the more I want to just pack a bag go. Problem is that I might not come back.
I live with a hoarder that refuses to throw stuff out because of trauma in her teens, we have 3 bedrooms and they're all full to overflowing, the hallway is stacked so I have to walk sideways to get to the toilet, I sleep on the sofa because the living room, although also full of carp, is the clearest room we have. The kitchen is a constant game of tetris having to move stuff to get to the cooker, then again to get to the sink the fridge or the washing machine. The garage is so full I barely fit my workshop and motorcycle in there.
For those that don't know, I live on site at a primary school, which is part of a 10 school academy, where I work as Site Manager, we had a new CEO start in September and whilst we haven't had any interactions his behaviour towards H&S and putting people at risk completely disgusts me, we have a small office building on site that is falling apart, last april we had rainfall coming through the light fittings, I had a structural engineer and an electrician recomend we dont use the building and knock it down, the CEO at the time and the new CEO both continued using it, even holding interviews and meetings in there and not telling people how bad the building is. Living on site means I can never really shut off from work, the house is right at the front of school, everyone passes my door to get into school which means i often get deliveries for school knocking on my front door upsetting the dogs. Recently the academy have started trying to make changes to the way I work that I don't like but can't fight as my job description is very open and as a result I've felt like leaving but financially we can't afford to, I would only have a month to find a job a home and move out. Then to top it off I find the mold in the garage/workshop that not only made me sick as a dog for 2+ weeks, could wipe out 90% of my wood stock and all of the stock I've made for Easter sales at the shop.
That's all the immediate stuff, there's so much more that makes me want to be escape, generally I hate what the world/society has become, I dream of being able to live alone, miles from civilisation where I answer to and for nobody but myself, that's not likely to happen, closest I'll get to that would be a job as an island custodian and they're few and far between.
As I sit a type all of this I wonder if my problems are real or just me getting inside my own head and making it worse myself, am I just overreacting? Do I just need a break from everything? That would be nice but taking time off work means twice as much work when I get back so how do I switch off when I know that will be waiting for me, that's why I never take time off, something HR and I constantly battle over, last year I only took 2 of my 30 days holiday, this year I've used 1 day so have 29 plus 5 carried over from last year still to use before September, maybe I'm burnt out but I don't feel how I imagine that would feel, I just feel sad/miserable/angry with a longing to be out in nature/forests/mountains on my own completely off-grid and maybe that's what I need, pack a few clothes, get on my bike and head off into the great outdoors, let the soldier I used to be take over and reset my mindset, I've got plenty of places in Wales pinned to my must see list, I could probably get round quite a few of them in a week. Just need a few £K to put it back on the road and replace the mouse bitten clothing and helmet.
It's nice to dream but then how would swmbo cope on her own? She would constantly worry and panic the whole time. Someone would have to help with the dogs when she's at work? how would I fund this escape? Putting the bike back on the road and the clothing will be around £3000 Fuel would cost a fortune, then the cost of fuelling myself, somewhere to sleep won't be cheap either unless I were to rough it with a tarp and sleeping bag, wouldn't be the first time I've done that so it's not a problem, especially if I do let the soldier out, but then he's been locked away for 20 years and for good reason.

If you've got this far I'm sorry guys, I'm ranting, I don't have friends to meet up with and talk to, which I'm fine with so no need to pity me for it, I just don't have a personality that allows for long term friendships, especially if I don't have regular contact in person, unfortunately I get bored quickly and stop making the effort to contact, especially if I start thinking that effort isn't reciprocated.
Thanks for getting this far, I'm still clueless but it always helps to share, also, I don't expect replies to this so don't feel you have to, just wondered if anyone else ever feels the same.

Stig, I have just seen your post, and wanted to help. Well, I am not really in a position to know your local supports as I am on the other side of the world, but I am in a position to offer some professional observations (I am a shrink). It also needs to be said that the guys here have been amazingly supportive.

Tom Hanks, in the movie Philadelphia, spoke about his Aids and wanting to "slip the skin"- meaning that he sought escape from his body and desperately felt such a loss of control in regard to his health. I understand why it would be so inviting to run away and leave all this terrible stress and mess (literally!) behind, and that you feel so impotent to make any inroads to change.

First of all, please realise that your girlfriend's hoarding is a serious psychiatric symptom. Generally, people do not seek treatment for hoarding disorder, but rather for other issues, such as depression, anxiety or relationship problems. Her hoarding disorder needs a formal diagnosis. The clutter will not go away because you ask her to tidy up - she has a serious obsessive and compulsive disorder! Please get in touch with your GP, a hospital, a community clinic, social services - someone who will assist in diagnosing and treating the condition. You cannot do it yourself. And she is oblivious to the chaos around her.

The main treatment for hoarding disorder is cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), a skills-based approach to therapy. You will need to start by having the clutter in your home removed by a professional organiser as part of a professional health team.

The stress of not having control over your own life adds to the mental load of dealing with visitors and work. Everything starts with the hoarding, and only when this is dealt with can you have your life back.

Regards from Perth

Derek

 

[sploo]

YOU have made the hardest first step by "talking" about what's bothering you, albeit through a forum with (probably) strangers.

I'm in no position to be able to give useful advice, but I wanted to highlight Plwm's point above; and acknowledge Stig's decision to talk about things. Not at all easy for us blokes.

 

[pip1954]

Hi stig
I can honestly say I have been where you only difference is my wife does not hoard she has aways had problems she is not as with it as she now has vascular dementia but has aways suffered from a low mental side, a few years back I was in charge of half a wood factory there were two owners how had different attitudes towards work I was responsible for targets that we finally achieved as my side was the output side i.e finishing and despatch, at the timey father was dying of liver cancer and was in a hospice so I spent a lot time being with him, i have a wife and two kids they young at the time ,work was full on I felt like I was sinking and like I was seriously considering doing a bunk I had no one to talk to and nowhere to so carried on until one I just broke I didn't no what was going to happen but just could not care I stayed home from for about 8 weeks I used to shake and used to jump at the least little thing my wife work while I stayed home,as I say after about eight weeks with meds from doctors (I went to my GP and told to give some meds to end it all and I was serious about it) and counseling things slowly improved i contacted the better of my boss who was great about I told I need to work but can no longer be i charge so he let

 

[pip1954]

Sorry my phone is a pain the neck
He let me return to work just as an s worker he thought I would be ok with time but I new I could not do my old job.
Stress is a killer PLEASE get you need a professional who can help reaching out to us was your first please take the next step you deserve it all the best and good luck
Phil

 

[Bingy man]

Hi there @Stigmorgan -ive just caught up with your thread and I’m also amazed at all the good advice given . Many of my colleagues from British Gas keep in touch and every few months we meet up for a few drinks and a bite to eat . It means more than any amount of money could ever do just to get out and feel normal . I hope the reply’s have helped you put some of your issues into perspective and given you the inspiration to take the next step. Only you can know when to take it and which route to take . I think someone suggested going through your h/r dept at work- this is the route I took . Of course they will encourage you to speak to your g p which again is what I did . Just writing this reminds me of the way I was feeling couple of years back but it was a turning point . My manager was very supportive and although getting a g p appointment is not always easy you must persevere. They will ask some difficult questions about your mental health but they will not judge you .as for your missus no matter what you can’t force her to go to her gp you can only advise her . But even if she refuses ( tbh she probably will ) then you still to get your head straight. It might be a cliche but she needs to admit she has a problem before you or anyone else says she needs to get help . So you have taken your 1st step by telling us of your feelings I hope she can do the same and then you can both move forward together. Threats , ultimatums etc will not help either of you . So I wish you well and look forward to the day when you have got this sorted- remember that lots of small steps add up to many miles .

 

[Derek Cohen (Perth Oz)]

but she needs to admit she has a problem before you or anyone else says she needs to get help .

I need to step in and emphasise that this is not so. In fact, waiting for an admission is just missing the point - she is likely to have nil insight into her condition, and this is unlikely to change. Contact your GP now!

Regards from Perth

Derek

 

[Bingy man]

but she needs to admit she has a problem before you or anyone else says she needs to get help .

I need to step in and emphasise that this is not so. In fact, waiting for an admission is just missing the point - she is likely to have nil insight into her condition, and this is unlikely to change. Contact your GP now!

Regards from Perth

Derek

My comments here are based on my experience with my partner and my mom ( months of me trying to convince my partner that she had a problem fell on deaf ears . A few hours one evening when I was out she finally cracked and admitted to her sister what was happening ( her total denial that our son 6months old) needed both of us even though I was doing most of fhe work. Her drinking and sudden false happiness when drinking and then the opposite when all the alcohol was finished. I know every case is different and that support and advice from family is important but ultimately it was up to her to contact her gp and request help . At the time I approached my gp which was also my partners gp and I was told in no uncertain terms that as an adult and under the data protection laws it’s not possible for them to intervene unless she herself requested it . They did put a note in her records but that was it . I’ve no idea of Australian law but in the uk you can’t force anyone to get professional help for mental health problems unless they are considered a danger to themselves or others. Obviously in this situation this is not the case . It was exactly the same with my mom ( 77 ) very independent and went out most days. By the time we realised she was hoarding- huge amounts of food it was too late . You can’t make a gp appointment for her unless you have a lpa ( lasting power of attorney) for care . She will have to phone for an appointment we were told . Several months later she had a massive stroke which she managed to survive. I then found out that she has dementia and the hoarding was a sign of this . She is now in a care home which she thinks is the hotel she used to stay at when she had a few days away. So I’m not doubting your professional judgment just that it’s never straightforward like my x and my mom neither of them would openly admit to a problem..

 

[Jameshow]

Hope your feeling better Stig, I know and feel your pain personally,
Acting now and getting help is way more preferable than putting your head in a pile of shavings and thinking it will go away. It won't and it has the potential to come back and bite you and you could end up loosing everything.
So as said above get that help, we are all reticent to make that first step but doing so you will lighten the load immeasurably.

 

[Daniel2]

Hi @Stigmorgan ,
How are things going ?
Any movement ?

Take care

 

[Stigmorgan]

Not spoken with her yet, she has planned 2 days at crufts this weekend with a friend and I don't want to ruin it for her so waiting until after that. Slight improvement at work, we have finally been told who is replacing the headteacher after Easter and I have asked her if she would be like to meet and walk the school to get to know eachothers expectations once she takes over in April, this will help stop my mind catastrophising what hasn't happened yet in that area of work, still arguing their expectations for me to change to a new contract that would have me working more hours all in 1 shift rather than split shift and around all 10 of the academy schools, I don't want that as its not the job I signed up for and I don't want to be full time, the extra money I'd be earning would be spent on having someone come and check on the dogs while I'm at work.

 

[Bingy man]

Not spoken with her yet, she has planned 2 days at crufts this weekend with a friend and I don't want to ruin it for her so waiting until after that. Slight improvement at work, we have finally been told who is replacing the headteacher after Easter and I have asked her if she would be like to meet and walk the school to get to know eachothers expectations once she takes over in April, this will help stop my mind catastrophising what hasn't happened yet in that area of work, still arguing their expectations for me to change to a new contract that would have me working more hours all in 1 shift rather than split shift and around all 10 of the academy schools, I don't want that as its not the job I signed up for and I don't want to be full time, the extra money I'd be earning would be spent on having someone come and check on the dogs while I'm at work.

Good to hear of the slight improvement at work, re : your contract -beware of the fire and re hire tactics used by several companies inc b. Gas . This resulted in hundreds of engineers being dismissed and if you want your job you get taken back on but on the new terms . A truly dirty tactic hence why many left the company. Take care of yourself..

 

[Jameshow]

Good to hear of the slight improvement at work, re : your contract -beware of the fire and re hire tactics used by several companies inc b. Gas . This resulted in hundreds of engineers being dismissed and if you want your job you get taken back on but on the new terms . A truly dirty tactic hence why many left the company. Take care of yourself..

Stena too irrc.....

 

[Jameshow]

Not spoken with her yet, she has planned 2 days at crufts this weekend with a friend and I don't want to ruin it for her so waiting until after that. Slight improvement at work, we have finally been told who is replacing the headteacher after Easter and I have asked her if she would be like to meet and walk the school to get to know eachothers expectations once she takes over in April, this will help stop my mind catastrophising what hasn't happened yet in that area of work, still arguing their expectations for me to change to a new contract that would have me working more hours all in 1 shift rather than split shift and around all 10 of the academy schools, I don't want that as its not the job I signed up for and I don't want to be full time, the extra money I'd be earning would be spent on having someone come and check on the dogs while I'm at work.

Try not to catastrophize, it hardly ever is as bad as it could be.

I'm sure the new head will want to get on with the team and value your input into the school.

 

[Stigmorgan]

Try not to catastrophize, it hardly ever is as bad as it could be.

I'm sure the new head will want to get on with the team and value your input into the school.

I generally try not but my brain doesn't always do as I want it to. Whether I want it or not, scenarios play through my head and usually worst case, I ignore it but it's hard to stop it having some influence. I'm currently occupying myself with the current headteachers leaving gift, I'll post pics in the last you made thread when it's done (if it gets done in time, only 2.5 weeks to go)

@Bingy man I know, they did similar to one of our other caretakers a while ago, he refused to change from his local authority contract to the new academy contract and payscale as he would have lost out on several levels of payrise over the years, after a year they told him that as he had been carrying out the work and duties of the academy contract he had been switched across to it without needing to sign it so I'm well aware they will use dirty tactics to get what they want, mum has her whole upstairs cleared ready just in case

 

[pat from Marck]

Anyone else ever feel the need to pack a bag and run?
I've not been happy at work or at home for a while now and the more scenic reels I see on Insta the more I want to just pack a bag go. Problem is that I might not come back.
I live with a hoarder that refuses to throw stuff out because of trauma in her teens, we have 3 bedrooms and they're all full to overflowing, the hallway is stacked so I have to walk sideways to get to the toilet, I sleep on the sofa because the living room, although also full of carp, is the clearest room we have. The kitchen is a constant game of tetris having to move stuff to get to the cooker, then again to get to the sink the fridge or the washing machine. The garage is so full I barely fit my workshop and motorcycle in there.
For those that don't know, I live on site at a primary school, which is part of a 10 school academy, where I work as Site Manager, we had a new CEO start in September and whilst we haven't had any interactions his behaviour towards H&S and putting people at risk completely disgusts me, we have a small office building on site that is falling apart, last april we had rainfall coming through the light fittings, I had a structural engineer and an electrician recomend we dont use the building and knock it down, the CEO at the time and the new CEO both continued using it, even holding interviews and meetings in there and not telling people how bad the building is. Living on site means I can never really shut off from work, the house is right at the front of school, everyone passes my door to get into school which means i often get deliveries for school knocking on my front door upsetting the dogs. Recently the academy have started trying to make changes to the way I work that I don't like but can't fight as my job description is very open and as a result I've felt like leaving but financially we can't afford to, I would only have a month to find a job a home and move out. Then to top it off I find the mold in the garage/workshop that not only made me sick as a dog for 2+ weeks, could wipe out 90% of my wood stock and all of the stock I've made for Easter sales at the shop.
That's all the immediate stuff, there's so much more that makes me want to be escape, generally I hate what the world/society has become, I dream of being able to live alone, miles from civilisation where I answer to and for nobody but myself, that's not likely to happen, closest I'll get to that would be a job as an island custodian and they're few and far between.
As I sit a type all of this I wonder if my problems are real or just me getting inside my own head and making it worse myself, am I just overreacting? Do I just need a break from everything? That would be nice but taking time off work means twice as much work when I get back so how do I switch off when I know that will be waiting for me, that's why I never take time off, something HR and I constantly battle over, last year I only took 2 of my 30 days holiday, this year I've used 1 day so have 29 plus 5 carried over from last year still to use before September, maybe I'm burnt out but I don't feel how I imagine that would feel, I just feel sad/miserable/angry with a longing to be out in nature/forests/mountains on my own completely off-grid and maybe that's what I need, pack a few clothes, get on my bike and head off into the great outdoors, let the soldier I used to be take over and reset my mindset, I've got plenty of places in Wales pinned to my must see list, I could probably get round quite a few of them in a week. Just need a few £K to put it back on the road and replace the mouse bitten clothing and helmet.
It's nice to dream but then how would swmbo cope on her own? She would constantly worry and panic the whole time. Someone would have to help with the dogs when she's at work? how would I fund this escape? Putting the bike back on the road and the clothing will be around £3000 Fuel would cost a fortune, then the cost of fuelling myself, somewhere to sleep won't be cheap either unless I were to rough it with a tarp and sleeping bag, wouldn't be the first time I've done that so it's not a problem, especially if I do let the soldier out, but then he's been locked away for 20 years and for good reason.

If you've got this far I'm sorry guys, I'm ranting, I don't have friends to meet up with and talk to, which I'm fine with so no need to pity me for it, I just don't have a personality that allows for long term friendships, especially if I don't have regular contact in person, unfortunately I get bored quickly and stop making the effort to contact, especially if I start thinking that effort isn't reciprocated.
Thanks for getting this far, I'm still clueless but it always helps to share, also, I don't expect replies to this so don't feel you have to, just wondered if anyone else ever feels the same.

One step at a time you'll get there in the end

 

[Bingy man]

I generally try not but my brain doesn't always do as I want it to. Whether I want it or not, scenarios play through my head and usually worst case, I ignore it but it's hard to stop it having some influence. I'm currently occupying myself with the current headteachers leaving gift, I'll post pics in the last you made thread when it's done (if it gets done in time, only 2.5 weeks to go)

@Bingy man I know, they did similar to one of our other caretakers a while ago, he refused to change from his local authority contract to the new academy contract and payscale as he would have lost out on several levels of payrise over the years, after a year they told him that as he had been carrying out the work and duties of the academy contract he had been switched across to it without needing to sign it so I'm well aware they will use dirty tactics to get what they want, mum has her whole upstairs cleared ready just in case

Yes unfortunately the contract of employment is not worth the paper it’s written . I’ve not heard of a new contract that doesn’t need to be signed or agreed but I’m in no way surprised. As for you well - a distraction to keep your mind from wandering down the” what if path “is good for you and will help you to keep things in perspective. If what you’re making still gives you that proud feeling and pleasure of “I’ve crafted this with my own hands “ with the tools you have then that will help you . Take care and keep posting..

 

[paulrbarnard]

No idea why I haven’t seen this thread before today. I certainly can’t offer any specific advice beyond wishing you well. One observation based on my life experience is don’t be afraid of change. It’s easy to let fear of change stop you moving forwards.