Need to escape/reset
- Thread starter Stigmorgan
- Start date
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This is so true and cause for many a family fall out .I’m being told they want to spend as little as possible but want the most expensive materials. Sounds like they want to keep most of the inheritance for themselves. Not wishing to hi jack this thread I may start another in this subject as always interesting to hear other peoples opinions..
Adam W.
A Major Clanger
Yes, another thread would be most interesting, as I have a story to tell.
RobinBHM
Established Member
Gosh you’ve been through the wars. We all think everybody else is doing just fine, but the reality is, most of go through proper hard times mentally. I hope things are looking up a bit now.Jeeze Stig, oh dear, a bit of a mess. There has been some very good advice on previous posts so I'll try and not go over old ground.
YOU have made the hardest first step by "talking" about what's bothering you, albeit through a forum with (probably) strangers.
I empathise with you.
During the pandemic I developed anxiety - my wife was/is on the shielding list and I work in a smallish building where we have approx 200 people from all over the country on a regular rotation that I was in close proximity to. After struggling for several months with only getting 3-4 hrs sleep a night I finally went to see a GP - He diagnosed anxiety, have been on medication since which helps me sleep through the night (mostly). My ability to deal with stress nowadays has been severly diminished.
During this time my employer was trying to push me to do a job I wasn't employed to do; it caused me so much stress I ended up in tears at work, sobbing like a child. To this day I still feel a mix of shame and embarrassment that a 50 something bloke acted like this, but I also know that it wasn't "me" and that my mental state was out of my control. I didn't go to see a GP, we're men after all. With hindsight I now know I'd had a nervous breakdown and wish I sought help then.
A couple of months ago I had my second work related nervous breakdown in 2 years - again related to proposed changes at work. With hindsight I should have realised I needed help before it happened - for maybe 6 months prior to this my colleagues saw happy smiley Neil at work but inside I felt sick, "lost" and that I could burst into tears at any moment. One day, nothing in particular happened but I couldn't stop the "emotions" welling up and just walked out. Came back an hour later and had to explain, choking back tears, what was up. My supervisor was sympathetic and told me I had to go to the doctors there and then, If I didn't they would take me. I'm glad I did. My medication was increased and I feel more settled in myself, today I had my first meeting with a therapist from the Charity MIND. Another session next week - will it help? Who knows, but it's not going to make things worse anyway!
What has all that got to do with your situation? Maybe buggerall but please, please go and chat to your GP. Don't let yourself get to breaking point. It's harder to bounce back. Mental health doesn't have the same stigma it once did and I feel no shame/embarrassment telling people I have mental health issues. Heck, I've just bared my soul to you lot!
I think someone else said similar but don't get friends involved, get professional help. It's usually easier talking to a stranger than someone you know anyway and they'll be objective.
You and your partner are a team. As someone else said "we need to get help for the hoarding to help our relationship" is supportive rather than "you need to get help...."
You mention your ex-services - my manager informed me that there is a Civil Service mental health charity that has a helpline open 24/7 365 days a year. I don't know if its available to ex-services but if you are interested drop me a PM and I'll get the phone number for you.
Aside from my problems(!) here's a few thoughts for work...
I've had a number of occasions over the years where I've had to be stubborn/ dig my heals in/ be awkward to my employer ....
In a previous role I had to inspect the forklifts at the start of each day. I like to do my job properly and often had to take the keys away as, for example, the amber beacon or horn wasn't working. They didn't like it - "how are we going to get pallets of of the warehouse? Work will stop!" "Not my problem" was the reply. Within days an engineer would be on site repairing it.
More recently my work supplied safety boots were falling apart but HQ were dragging their heels over replacing them. After 3 months of waiting I sent an email notifying them that I was no longer prepared to wear them and that should I suffer a foot injury they would be liable for any compensation, this email is a record that I have notified you. Within 2 weeks I had a new pair of boots.
What I'm trying to get at is put it in writing in an email your health and safety concerns, you then have a record.
If your the site manager and I presume have some sort of health and safety duties, tell then they have XX days to rectify the faults with the building or you will board up the door for everyone's safety. If it's raining and water comes through the electrics refuse to enter the building... Sometimes one has to let a process fail before anyone will do anything about it.
Make sure you have a record... if they sacked you you'd have evidence for a tribunal....
On a happier side note if you needed a cheap weekend away in Wales drop me a PM, we have a small wood/ Ash plantation you could put a small tent/ hammock up in (or dig a harbour, lol), campfire, picnic by the stream... Pen y Fan 10 mins away... Reminisce the glory days on SENTA...! I'd have to run it past the wife but she's not SWMBO, we're equal! Might even let you take a log or two away for turning!
You've taken the hardest step in opening up, the second and third get a little bit easier...
All the best
Neil
Stigmorgan
Established Member
I'm getting there, the dryer warmer weather is definitely helping by allowing me to get outside and work on my areas of the grounds, 5 years ago I started planting trees up one side and across the back of the school field to create our own mini woodland that I have called Woodland Walk as well as a few planted to create hedging in other parts of the school, planted around 350-400 trees in total over the last 4 years, I have local tree surgeons that call me when they need to tip woodchip so I currently have around 5 or 6 loads to spread out among the trees to suppress the grass, it keeps me occupied and tires me out
RobinBHM
Established Member
That’s a great project to do, 400 trees, that really is a woodland.I'm getting there, the dryer warmer weather is definitely helping by allowing me to get outside and work on my areas of the grounds, 5 years ago I started planting trees up one side and across the back of the school field to create our own mini woodland that I have called Woodland Walk as well as a few planted to create hedging in other parts of the school, planted around 350-400 trees in total over the last 4 years, I have local tree surgeons that call me when they need to tip woodchip so I currently have around 5 or 6 loads to spread out among the trees to suppress the grass, it keeps me occupied and tires me out
I hope you keep photographs, it would be fantastic to have a series of images over a few years.
Sometimes we get so bogged down in our daily troubles, we can’t even think clearly to do anything about it.
My advice would be for you and your girlfriend to go out for the day, I always think you can’t beat the seaside, walking along the promenade seeing the beach and the sea, fish n chips.
Sunshine + fresh air + scenery + food. Great for the soul
Yes it’s escapism, but it sometimes it can be enough of a lift to allow the brain to make positive decisions.
RobinBHM
Established Member
I just wanted to say, it never fails to amaze me how woodworking attracts such a vast range of people, from all walks of life, from all types and levels of professions.
Until a serious, non woodworking part of our lives gets brought up in a thread, we don’t know what lies behind our shared interest of chopping up wood. I don’t spend much time here as I don’t do much woodwork these days, but I will try to be more of a regular.
The responses to Stigmorgan show what a great community this is…I’ve not come across it elsewhere.
Until a serious, non woodworking part of our lives gets brought up in a thread, we don’t know what lies behind our shared interest of chopping up wood. I don’t spend much time here as I don’t do much woodwork these days, but I will try to be more of a regular.
The responses to Stigmorgan show what a great community this is…I’ve not come across it elsewhere.
Stigmorgan
Established Member
I have photos from the day of planting (the children have all helped plant them) right up to now some trees have gone from the 12inch whips that were delivered to towering 12 to 14foot monsters in just 4 years.
Jameshow
Established Member
Yeap struggling big time.
Follow separation in mid November, had to leave the house due to allegations she's made, since things have gone from bad to worse.
She has lodged allegations of child neglect whilst at my family over Christmas, and stuff since, so going to court over that, simply to gain custody and a bigger share of financials which will likely go that way too.
Jobs on the line due to NHS cuts...
So all in all not great - chin up chaps!!
Sad to hear this , my split with my x was fairly amicable but she will often start a row for no apparent reason and when I defend myself and she knows I’m right she then says she doesn’t want to talk about it and storms off . I send her a text explaining she is in the wrong to find she’s blocked my calls . Hate when women alienate the man from the family especially when there are kids involved. My dad left when I was 3 years old and I never saw him until I was 10 yrs old. My mom never had a good word to say about him . When I described the person who called I was shocked to hear it was my dad . A month later we moved to another area and it was 5 or 6 years later that I saw him again . But as he passed away a few years back and my mom in a care home with dementia I will never know what went wrong..
Stigmorgan
Established Member
Was out all day on Saturday at the national outdoor expo at the NEC with a friend, got home to find SWMBO buried halfway into one of the spare bedrooms, she had sorted through several boxes of old paperwork and dug out binbags full of toddler/baby toys that we had from when our many nieces/nephews and godchildren were young, the toys have been given to a neigh our who hosts refugee women and children who have nothing, Sunday we got up and went through more paperwork. It's only a small dent in the smallest room but I feel great that she is taking action after I told her I'm struggling to cope with home and work, I suspect the letter from the academy about the landlord inspection has also spurred her on but that doesn't matter, it's been a long long time since I felt attracted to her like I did over the weekend, hopefully we can keep momentum and actually get the whole house to a usable state and start trying to fix our relationship 
Phil Pascoe
Established Member
I hope all goes well for you.
SammyQ
Established Member
Absolutely. I hope this is the first step of many.I hope all goes well for you.
Jameshow
Established Member
Having met you both in person, that's the best new I've heard for a long time!Was out all day on Saturday at the national outdoor expo at the NEC with a friend, got home to find SWMBO buried halfway into one of the spare bedrooms, she had sorted through several boxes of old paperwork and dug out binbags full of toddler/baby toys that we had from when our many nieces/nephews and godchildren were young, the toys have been given to a neigh our who hosts refugee women and children who have nothing, Sunday we got up and went through more paperwork. It's only a small dent in the smallest room but I feel great that she is taking action after I told her I'm struggling to cope with home and work, I suspect the letter from the academy about the landlord inspection has also spurred her on but that doesn't matter, it's been a long long time since I felt attracted to her like I did over the weekend, hopefully we can keep momentum and actually get the whole house to a usable state and start trying to fix our relationship
This is the beginning of better things to come , it’s really good news as it shows she is no longer in denial. It’s small steps from here but no pressure.This is so good to hear and however you have got to this point keep it up . The programs I’ve seen on hoarding usually split everything into donate to charity, throw away, keep , and recycle. Great news but small steps and lots of honest communication 
Stigmorgan
Established Member
I think the biggest thing is that she has accepted that trying to sell stuff on the likes of gumtree and vinted take time and have many time wasters making it not worth the effort, now she is being a bit more realistic (to my thinking) and is more willing to give stuff away unless it's brand new still in the wrapper.This is the beginning of better things to come , it’s really good news as it shows she is no longer in denial. It’s small steps from here but no pressure.This is so good to hear and however you have got to this point keep it up . The programs I’ve seen on hoarding usually split everything into donate to charity, throw away, keep , and recycle. Great news but small steps and lots of honest communication
@Jameshow thanks James
It can be worth enquiring at your local charity shops w what items they need . Some will actually collect it as long as it’s clean and bagged up . Did this with most of my moms clothes . Not sure about your area but by me there are cash for clothes charity’s that will pay a few quid for unwanted clothes ( per kilo I think) but seriously good to hear and I wish you both well ..I think the biggest thing is that she has accepted that trying to sell stuff on the likes of gumtree and vinted take time and have many time wasters making it not worth the effort, now she is being a bit more realistic (to my thinking) and is more willing to give stuff away unless it's brand new still in the wrapper.
@Jameshow thanks James
Jacob
What goes around comes around.
We gave lots of stuff away during our recent move. It's quite satisfying, especially if people really want or need the stuff. Given up trying to sell things on line - not worth the bother unless it's worth more than say £50, but your own yard sale is easy to set up and can be quite sociable.I think the biggest thing is that she has accepted that trying to sell stuff on the likes of gumtree and vinted take time and have many time wasters making it not worth the effort, now she is being a bit more realistic (to my thinking) and is more willing to give stuff away unless it's brand new still in the wrapper.
@Jameshow thanks James
As for getting out of a muddle - aiming at one thing at a time seems to work e.g. clear one room at a time - not be distracted into other little tasks and going round in circles. Bin there dunnit!
Best of luck!
Stigmorgan
Established Member
Unfortunately living on site in a school a yard sale isn't something the academy would allow but 100% agree with you on one thing at a time, the room she started on is the smallest but it's also the room with all the wardrobes and most of my clothes so getting it sorted with make a huge difference.
