Jokes

[Jaco]

On a tour of South Africa, the Pope took a couple of days off his
> > itinerary
> > to visit the coast near Durban on an impromptu sightseeing
> > trip.
> > His 4x4 Popemobile was driving along the golden sands when
> > there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland.
> > They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene
> > the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing an
> > Australian Rugby jersey, struggling frantically to free
> > himself from the jaws of a twenty-foot shark.
> > At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing
> > Springbok rugby tops roared into view from around the point.
> > Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon
> > into the shark's ribs, immobilizing it instantly.
> > The other two reached out and pulled the Australian from the
> > water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.
> > They bundled the bleeding, semi conscious man into the speed
> > boat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty
retreat,
when
> >
> > they heard frantic shouting from the shore.
> > It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to the beach.
> > Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about
> > the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions.
> > I had heard that there were some racist xenophobic people
> > trying to divide South Africans and Australians, but, now I have
seen
with
> >
> > my own eyes this is not true.
> > I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of
> > racial harmony and could serve as a model on which other nations
could
> > follow."
> > He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.
> > As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others,"Who was
> > that???! "That,"one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in
direct
> > contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."
> > "Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows f--- all about shark
> > hunting. How's that bait holding up or do we need to get another
one?"

 

[Jaco]

Coach Rudolph Staeuli had put together the perfect Springbok team. The
only
thing he was missing was a good tackler. He had scouted all the
varsities,
and even the high schools, but he couldn't find a decent defender who
could
ensure a Tri-Nations win. Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a
war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he
spotted
a young Afghan soldier with a truly incredible feature. He was in
hand-to-hand combat with an entire company of enemy soldiers. They all
tried
to break through his impenetrable defence to get to the ammunition he
was
guarding, but one by one they were knocked back by his superior
strength.
When a guy twice his size stormed up and was promptly hammered back 10
feet,
coach Straeuli thought, "I've got to get this guy! He has the perfect
tackle!"

So, he brings him to South Africa and teaches him the great game of
rugby,
and the Bokke go on to win the Tri-Nations as well as the 2003 World Cup
!!

The young Afghan is proclaimed as the Great Hero of Rugby, and when
Straeuli
asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his
mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the World Cup for my team".

"I don't want to talk to you", the old woman says. "You deserted us.
You
are not my son."

"I don't think you understand, Mother!" the young man pleads. "I just
won
the greatest rugby sporting event in the world. I'm here among
thousands of
my adoring fans".

"No, let me tell you," the mother retorts, "At this very moment, there
are
gunshots all around us. The neighbourhood is a pile of rubble. Your two
brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this
week
your sister was raped in broad daylight."

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says: ".........I'll never
forgive
you for making us move to Johannesburg."

 

[Jaco]

Minister of Public Works Stella Sigcau wanted to remodel her office, so
she invited different contractors for tenders. One was from
Johannesburg, one from Durban and the last one from Soweto.

"OK gentlemen, nice job I want," She said, "Let's hear from Jhb?"

The guy took out his ultrasonic measuring device and tablet computer
and began measuring, scrawling on the computer, calculating.
Eventually:
"R90,000, Madam Minister," he said.
"That seems like quite a lot of money! Why R90,000?"
"You see," he replied, "that's R40,000 for material, R40,000 for my
guys and R10,000 for my profit".

Stella seemed OK with that and turned to the Durban contractor. "So
how
much do want to do the job?" she asked.

The Durban fella took out a rusted tape measure, broken clipboard and
a
blunt pencil. He took some measurements, scratched some calculations
on
the back of his Rothmans 30s box and came up with a figure of R70,000.
"That's interesting!" Said Stella. "Explain the R70,000?"
"Simple, Madam Minister, I got a brother-in-law in the hardware trade,
so that's R30,000 for materials, R30,000 for me, and R10,000 for my
profit and all."

Stella was amused but happy to accept the explanation. Then she asked
the Soweto contractor for his quotation. He just smiled, looked the
minister in the eyes and said, "R270,000!"
"Yoh Yoh Yoh!... How did you come to that amount without even taking
your measurements? What is that amount for?"
"That's R100,000 for me & R100,000 for you!"

"So what about the remaining R70,000?"

"We hire that guy from Durban to do the job!!!".

 

[Jaco]

Latest from the ministry of Transport:
In the name of political correctness the name "Taxi" will be changed
to "Computer".
Why you may ask?

a) It has windows
b) It is driven by a floppy
c) Very likely to catch a virus
d) Can crash at any time
e) Is always running out of space
f) Has a knack of irritating you
g) Even with all the bells and whistles it's still no better than
without them
h) If it does not work then you have NT (no transport)

THE ADVANTAGES OF BEING SOUTH AFRICAN
1. No need trying to keep up with the Joneses - they emigrated last
week.
2. You can eat worms and half dried meat and not be considered
disgusting.
3. Nothing is your fault, you can blame it all on apartheid.
4. Unrivalled job prospects for those unburdened with training, skills
or experience.
5. You get to buy a new car every three months and the insurance
company even pays for it.
6. You can experience bad service in eleven official languages.
7. Where else can you get oranges with 45% alcohol content at rugby
matches?
8. It's the only country in the world where striking workers show
how angry they are by dancing.
9. You're considered clumsy if you cannot use a cell phone (without
car kit), change CDs, drink a beer and smoke, all at the same time
while driving a car at 160 kph on the highway.
10. Great Eccent.
11. People mistake you for being Australian.
12. Americans will never consider dropping a nuclear bomb on you
because they don't know that you exist.
13. If you live in Johannesburg, you get to brag about living in the
most dangerous city in the world.
14. You get to carry a gun.
15. Burglar bars become a feature, and a great selling point for
your house.
16. You can decorate your garden walls with barbed wire.
17. The police are the first on the scene for most major crimes,
without being called.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN SOUTH AFRICA WHEN:
a) Votes have to be recounted until the right party wins.
b) When illegal immigrants leave the country because the crime rate is
too high.
c) The police ask you if they must follow up on the burglary you've
just reported because no one is murdered.
d) A murderer gets a two year sentence and a pirate TV viewer six
months.
e) The prisoners strike!
f) You can't make a phone call because the copper cables have been
stolen.
g) The police stations have panic buttons to call armed response
when they are burgled.

 

[Adam]

Removed - see post below

Adam

 

[Gill]

A blonde woman is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said. “Did you follow my instructions?”

The blonde nodded. “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”

“From hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.

“No, from skipping.”

 

[Travis Byrne]

Hello MODERATOR Adam
I suggest that if you don't Like the way Mr. Bush runs things in the US, then vote him out of office. Whats that------You's not elgible to vote on US politics? Then, I suggest that you let us US folks decide. :wink:
Travis

 

[Jorden]

Do we have to put up with politics here in the joke section too - shame on you!

D.

 

[Gill]

I was also disappointed to see such a blatantly political joke but I didn't like to comment publicly because Adam's a moderator and sets the standard to which we all aspire :twisted:

. Anyway, here's another political joke, but this one tests the boundaries of good taste in another way :



Tony Blair started jogging near his home in Chequers.

Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

"Fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb.

"No! Five pounds!" Tony would fire back.

This ritual between Tony and the hooker became a daily occurrence.

He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty pounds!" He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Cherie decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog.

As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Tony realized she'd bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.

He figured he'd better have a very good explanation for the 'Boss'.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Tony became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough, there was the prostitute, and Tony tried to avoid her eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from the corner, she yelled,



"See what you get for five quid!"

 

[Adam]

Hello MODERATOR[/size] Adam
I suggest that if you don't Like the way Mr. Bush runs things in the US, then vote him out of office. Whats that------You's not elgible to vote on US politics? Then, I suggest that you let us US folks decide. :wink:
Travis

was also disappointed to see such a blatantly political joke but I didn't like to comment publicly because Adam's a moderator and sets the standard to which we all aspire . Anyway, here's another political joke, but this one tests the boundaries of good taste in another way :

Sorry folks, it was only supposed to be the bottom half of that joke that I pasted in - it came like that - a single posting, and I meant to cut and paste the lower half only - and I thought the bottom half (about changing light bulbs was just about OK ) , the top half was not really a joke. Anyway, I removed both.

Sorry,

Adam...doing some self moderating today.... :?

 

[Jaco]

There is absolutely NOTHING WRONG with political jokes, irrespective of which country they are about.
Obviously some people do not have a sense of humour.

You should try come living in some 5th world banana republic!

 

[Anonymous]

And if you don't believe Jaco you should try living in Johannesburg too! (I did for almost a year in 97/98 - it was 'fun').

Personally I love political jokes and if you can't take people poking fun at your leaders then you have no SOH. If your leaders can't handle a bit of simple digging, then they have a real problem, too. Long live Rory Bremner, John Bird and John Fortune!



I didn't actually see the bushbaby jokes before Adam deleted the post, but from what was written I think I saw them in another forum.

Check this out...

http://www.zug.com/pranks/senator/

 

[Jaco]

Good link!!!!!!!

OUR esteemed president wants to loan the next door chap, Bob, who would even put Hitler & Mussolini to shame a couple of million $ to pay his debt.

No doubt this will end up in his Swiss bank account.

I dont see BushBaby attacking this person (and his country) for his blatant disregard for human rights and running his country into the ground. MAYBE, its because he does not have any OIL!!!!!

 

[Alf]

Chaps,

It has nothing to do with political jokes, and everything to do with the moderating stance of not discussing politics on this forum. Essentially we look like total plonkers if one of the moderators posts a political post of any sort when we're busy telling you folks not to do it. #-o And why do we ask you folks not to do it? Simply because one political comment can escalate all too quickly into an argument, which in turn can all too easily spill over onto the rest of the board, leading to bad feeling, unhappiness and a general buggering up of the good vibe we've all worked hard to achieve here. Personally I take the view you can type any kind of drivel you like in this thread - very little of which I find amusing - but as soon as a "joke" starts getting "discussed" you can assume moderating action is on the cards. We don't want to know your political opinions, we don't care if you're left, right or centre. I personally do not want to think "why should I give woodworking advice to that right-wing/liberal/left-wing toss-pot", so I don't want to know. Go and find a political forum; there are plenty available. Now stop mucking up yet another of my Sunday afternoons by making me explain this AGAIN. :roll:

Cheers, Alf
Moderator

P.S. No hard feelings, I hope. :wink:

 

[Anonymous]

I concur Alf - this isn't a forum for political discussion, and if the original posting (which I didn't see) led to that then it was right to be deleted. I still think there are some excellent political jokes around though - we have several of them living in central London :wink:

 

[Adam]

The post was two parts, a political moan, and a political joke. I meant to post in the political joke - not the other bit. Had it been only the joke (which was about Presidents and changing light bulbs) it would have been fine. As it was, the political moan wasn't a joke. (well, in fact it sort of was, as it came through on my weekly jokes - but I could see how you could interpret it the other way).

So.. stop worrying everyone. Its deleted!

Adam

 

[Jaco]

Aw, come on Adam, re-post that last bit!

At this rate we will have the blondes sending us to hell, as well as the Ossies and a whole lot of other nationalities.
(Lets not forget the Irish.)

Cheers

 

[Travis Byrne]

Ten years on a deserted island
A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!", he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"

And the man replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

Travis

 

[Adam]

Excerpts from the Edinburgh Fringe 2005

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

- Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.

- Jimmy Carr

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm
bears.

- Chris Addison at the Pleasance

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

- Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be
sh*tting herself.

- Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I
was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me
to sleep at night.

- Susan Murray at the Underbelly

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?

- Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.

- Susan Murray at the Underbelly

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you,
because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite
flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening..
Self-raising?"

- Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and
punched someone in the face.

- Jeremy Limb, at the Trap

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought
the obvious one was "Shout For Help".

- Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the
Girl out of Cork...

- Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned
out it was a bloody hoax.

- Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

- Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The
hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join
the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a
plumber".

- Steven Alan Green at C34

Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.

- Brendon Burns at the Pleasance

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already
got one!"

- Norman Lovett at The Stand

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.

- Chris Addison at the Pleasance

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation
- but I'm not very good at it.

- Arnold Brown at The Stand

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel,
then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're
trained for that.

 

[Adam]

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite
tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another
song you like and hum that instead.

CINEMA goers: Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by
having a p*ss before the film starts.

RAPPERS: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by
actually speaking clearly in the first place.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your
identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with
your old bank statements.

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking
red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to
remove the stains.

SOLDIERS: Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial
tomfoolery after a trip to Truprint.

MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it
to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

BURGLARS: When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm
sticking out at 90?, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their
dogs on you.

EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the
CVs into the bin.

MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to
the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save
your wife from having to do it.

GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself
by Royal Mail.

BANGING: two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a
very small horse is approaching.

BLIND PEOPLE: Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by
not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

ALCOHOL: makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn
and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send
them on their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving
everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the
morning, simply move it all back again.

CAR thieves: Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the
valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

DEPRESSED people: Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for
help',simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst
driving.
Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think
you are listening to the sea.

JEREMY Beadle: When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in
your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser
disks.

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

SINGLE men: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing
outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and
occasionally glancing inside.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg
into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph.
After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

ALCOHOLICS: don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the
pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend
in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

And the absolute belter for last

WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking 0rgasms. Most men couldn't give a s**t
anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after
wards