Joke

[Max Power]

They must all be like that Jaco, mine's got built in radar :lol:

 

[toysandboats]

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" the biker asks, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," he says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I reply. " I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. Then I left my wallet in the cab I took home, where I found that my wife had run off with the gardener and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all . . . I buy a drink . . . I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! "


But enough about me . . . How are you feeling?

David

 

[big soft moose]

True story this one , but still funny

My mate Dan is in the army and a couple of months back he deployed to afganistan - we met for a drink before he left and he told me this :

Pete, If anything happens to me out there I want you to tell my bother in law that Ive buried £5000 in a biscuit tin under his back lawn

Me : you what, you buried £5k under your brother in laws lawn !! are you serious ???

Him : of course not, but hes a prick , and it will serve him right :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[skeetoids]

Hear about the Scottish guy who swallowed a condom?
He shat a haggis!

 

[Max Power]

Urgh that is gross :shock:

 

[Pvt_Ryan]

The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat..

There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog.

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong ***** out the window!

---------------------------------------------------------------
Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community.

After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during *** and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.

So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having difficulty breeding. This would cool her down and make her relax.

So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having ***. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.

So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.

After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have *** with her while Paddy waved the big towel.

They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.

When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said: 'And that, me son, is how ya waves a ******' towel!'

 

[Max Power]

Kenny the Rooster



Well, Kenny the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny. The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk. I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.


Kenny seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the Hen house and Kenny took off like a shot. WHAM!-Kenny nails every hen in the hen house- three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Kenny on his back, stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says,

"Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer".

 

[Max Power]

X Factor joke



Cheryl Cole, louis Walsh & Simon Cowell are walking along the street when Cheryl trips, falls forward and jams her head in some railings. Simon, quick as a flash pulls her knickers down, and bangs her senseless from behind. Slapping her tight little bum he turns to Louis and says "Your turn" Louis starts crying. "What...s wrong ?" says Simon. Louis sobs "My head wont fit in the railings !"

 

[Max Power]

On a hot summer day, a country bumpkin came into town with his dog. He tied the dog under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a cold beer.

About 20 minutes later a policeman came into the bar and asked who owned the dog tied under the tree. The bumpkin said that it was his. The policeman said, "Your dog seems to be in heat."

The bumpkin replies, "No way dawg's in heat...she's cool kawse I got 'er tied unner the shade tree."

The policeman says, 'No! You don't understand your dog needs to be bred.'

"No way,' the bumpkin says, 'dawg don't need bread, she ain't hongry, kawse I fed 'ER beef jerky this mornin'."

Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; 'NO! You don't seem to understand, your dog wants to have ***!'

The redneck looks at him with a long pause and says,

"Go 'head. I always wanted me a police dawg."

 

[adidat]

Big fat lass sitting on her own in the night club. Bloke goes over to her and asks if she's got a pen. Thinking her luck is in she smiles and reaches into her handbag saying yes.

He says, Well you'd best get back to it cos the farmer will be wondering where you've gone

 

[xy mosian]

Old Bert goes to the Doctor's . "I going deaf i' one ear" he says.
"Which ear?" Asks the Doctor.
Bert thinks and eventually says... "One nearest t' wife"

 

[Dodge]

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.



2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.



3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.



4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.



5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES, THEN YOU'LL BE TOO AFRAID TO COUGH.



6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.



7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.



DAILY THOUGHT:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS .
_________________

 

[Jaco]

A woodworker is applying for a job and must answer three questions!
Here's your first question," the foreman said.
"Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The woodworker says. "Dat is easy," and proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the foreman asks.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the woodworker.
"Fair enough," says the foreman. "Here is your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The woodworker stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "'Ere you go."
The foreman scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?
" Each of da trees is dirty now ! So it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The foreman is getting worried he's going to have to hire this fellow, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.
" The woodworker stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, Ere you go. One hundred."
The foreman looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!
" The woodworker leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree, and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which make one hundred... So when I start?"

 

[Steve Maskery]

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.

'I vish to buy *** viz you.'

'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge £20 an hour.'

'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'

'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your Hans und knees.'

The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.

'Now you vill get on your Hans und knees.'

She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.

'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'

She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.)
She finds the *** is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.
The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,

'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position?'



`



`



`



`

'Ah,' says the German . . 'zat is ze.... Four-sprung Duck technique'

 

[studders]

And how is Noah these days? He finished that Boat yet?

 

[big soft moose]

theres a much ruder version with the punchline "four sprung pork technique", but i dont think we'll go there

 

[Pvt_Ryan]

theres a much ruder version with the punchline "four sprung pork technique", but i dont think we'll go there

Was that not in "The deer hunter"?

 

[Jaco]

SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors.
The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a unfriendly woman
who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
He gave her his name.


In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT
A *** CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

The room erupted in applause!


DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS.

 

[Jaco]

CHECK FOR ALZHEIMER'S - PRETTY AMAZING

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of
Psychiatry at Harvard University.
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.

The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5.. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.

 

[toysandboats]

George, an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "OK."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Georges residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

I LOVE IT! Don't mess with old people

David Ward