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flying haggis
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Cabinetman
Established Member
flying haggis
Established Member
La-burn-ham
stuart little
Established Member
Vincent van Gogh was asked by a pal if he'd like a drink. "No thanks, I got one 'ere" said Vincent!
oohh
Doug B
Shy Tot
Jameshow
Established Member
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-somerset-58602051
Cannot possibly be true as my MIL is in Yorkshire!
Cannot possibly be true as my MIL is in Yorkshire!
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bushwhaker
Established Member
When I was young I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School.
One of the questions asked was to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when it is erect.
Those who answered SPINE are doctors today.
One of the questions asked was to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when it is erect.
Those who answered SPINE are doctors today.
John Brown
Freeloading Social media influenza
Those who immediately saw snipe, pines or peins are reading woodworking forums today.
bushwhaker
Established Member
Тouchér!
Robbo3
Established Member
Golf Course Membership
A Scottish Jew decided to retire and take up golf, so he applied for membership at a local golf club.
About a week later he received a letter that his application has been rejected. He went to the club to inquire as to why.
Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?
Scottish Jew: Aye, but I'm as Scottish as you are, ma'am, my name is MacTavishstien.
Secretary: Do you know that on formal occasions we wear a kilt?
Scottish Jew: Aye, I do know, and I wear a kilt too.
Secretary: You are also aware, that we wear nothing under the kilt?
Scottish Jew: Aye, and neither do I.
Secretary: Are you also aware, that the members sit naked in the steam room?
Scottish Jew: Aye, I also do the same.
Secretary: But you are a Jew?
Scottish Jew: Aye, I be that.
Secretary: So, being Jewish, you are circumcised, is that correct?
Scottish Jew: Aye, I be that, too.
Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable sitting in the steam room with you, since your privates are different from theirs.
Scottish Jew: Ach, I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen. And I know that you have to be a Catholic to join the Knights of Columbus. But this is the first time I've heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club!
A Scottish Jew decided to retire and take up golf, so he applied for membership at a local golf club.
About a week later he received a letter that his application has been rejected. He went to the club to inquire as to why.
Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?
Scottish Jew: Aye, but I'm as Scottish as you are, ma'am, my name is MacTavishstien.
Secretary: Do you know that on formal occasions we wear a kilt?
Scottish Jew: Aye, I do know, and I wear a kilt too.
Secretary: You are also aware, that we wear nothing under the kilt?
Scottish Jew: Aye, and neither do I.
Secretary: Are you also aware, that the members sit naked in the steam room?
Scottish Jew: Aye, I also do the same.
Secretary: But you are a Jew?
Scottish Jew: Aye, I be that.
Secretary: So, being Jewish, you are circumcised, is that correct?
Scottish Jew: Aye, I be that, too.
Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable sitting in the steam room with you, since your privates are different from theirs.
Scottish Jew: Ach, I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen. And I know that you have to be a Catholic to join the Knights of Columbus. But this is the first time I've heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club!
Doug B
Shy Tot
Robbo3
Established Member
Jewish Samurai
There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief.
A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.
The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half.
The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a
matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces.
The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"
Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.
The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?"
The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill."
There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief.
A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.
The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half.
The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a
matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces.
The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"
Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.
The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?"
The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill."
Cozzer
Established Member
S'funny, the things that inspire songwriters to put pen to paper.
For example, it was when Khrushchev's two lads bought a pair of rather swish yachts that led to the classic "Red sons in the sail set" to be written...
For example, it was when Khrushchev's two lads bought a pair of rather swish yachts that led to the classic "Red sons in the sail set" to be written...
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