Joke thread
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Jester129
Established Member
flying haggis
Established Member
Doug B
Shy Tot
Scene: a courtroom in a country market town in 1890's England. Old Will, a poacher, stands in the dock. A pompous magistrate presides.
Magistrate: I have no doubt that you, Will, are a fecund liar. However, on this occasion I will have to let you go for lack of evidence.
Will: Arrrrrh. Thank'ee sir, you're a fecund good judge yerself. [ walks free ]
Magistrate: I have no doubt that you, Will, are a fecund liar. However, on this occasion I will have to let you go for lack of evidence.
Will: Arrrrrh. Thank'ee sir, you're a fecund good judge yerself. [ walks free ]
Oh **** i thought the Government said social distancing not Sexual Distancing (what too soon )
Doug B
Shy Tot
Blackswanwood
Still Learning
Trainee neophyte
Established Member
Not a joke, but I didn't know where else to post it:
https://babylonbee.com/news/female-...ticle-injury-just-weeks-before-tokyo-olympics
https://babylonbee.com/news/female-...ticle-injury-just-weeks-before-tokyo-olympics
John Brown
Freeloading Social media influenza
Babylon bee? Described as a satirical evangelical Christian source.
You were wrong. It is a joke.
Robbo3
Established Member
An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick’s Catholic Church ..
‘Father’, he confessed, ‘ it been one month now since my last confession…
I was intimate with Fanny Green twice last month ..’
The priest told the sinner, ‘You are forgiven .. Go out and say three Hail Mary’s ..’
Soon thereafter, Another Irish man entered the confessional
‘Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I’ve had *** with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months ..’
This time, the priest questioned, ‘Who IS this Fanny Green .. ?’
‘A new woman in the neighbourhood father, he replied. …
‘Very well’, sighed the priest .. Go and say ten Hail Mary’s’ ..
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous Redheaded woman entered the sanctuary ..
The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest ..
Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching shiny emerald-green shoes ..
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn’t wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the Altar boy and whispered, ‘Is That Fanny Green …?’
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn’t believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,‘No Father, I think it’s just a Reflection from her shoes’ …!!’
‘Father’, he confessed, ‘ it been one month now since my last confession…
I was intimate with Fanny Green twice last month ..’
The priest told the sinner, ‘You are forgiven .. Go out and say three Hail Mary’s ..’
Soon thereafter, Another Irish man entered the confessional
‘Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I’ve had *** with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months ..’
This time, the priest questioned, ‘Who IS this Fanny Green .. ?’
‘A new woman in the neighbourhood father, he replied. …
‘Very well’, sighed the priest .. Go and say ten Hail Mary’s’ ..
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous Redheaded woman entered the sanctuary ..
The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest ..
Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching shiny emerald-green shoes ..
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn’t wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the Altar boy and whispered, ‘Is That Fanny Green …?’
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn’t believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,‘No Father, I think it’s just a Reflection from her shoes’ …!!’
stuart little
Established Member
I wanted some eucalyptus wood, so thought about looking on ebay, but a mate said to try Gumtree! 
Robbo3
Established Member
An Irish man in Italy
He offered her a drink and over the course of the night, he charmed her with funny Irish stories and songs.
She’d never had a night like it before and decided to invite him back to her room.
They had a passionate affair all that summer. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he gave her a large sum of money and told her to go back to Italy to secretly have the child.
He said that if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write ‘Spaghetti’ on the back.
He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
‘Honey!,’ she said, ‘you received a very strange post card today.’
‘Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it later,’ he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
One with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.
He offered her a drink and over the course of the night, he charmed her with funny Irish stories and songs.
She’d never had a night like it before and decided to invite him back to her room.
They had a passionate affair all that summer. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he gave her a large sum of money and told her to go back to Italy to secretly have the child.
He said that if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write ‘Spaghetti’ on the back.
He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
‘Honey!,’ she said, ‘you received a very strange post card today.’
‘Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it later,’ he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
One with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.
Doug B
Shy Tot
niemeyjt
Established Member
Doug B
Shy Tot
Robbo3
Established Member
Not wishing to pour cold water on someone elses post but there are a lot of these wrong origins going around.
Rule of Thumb - Rule of thumb - Wikipedia
Golf - Golf: Gentlemen Only, Ladies Forbidden? | Snopes.com
Four Kings - Four Kings in Deck of Cards | Snopes.com
Sleep Tight - 'Sleep tight' - the meaning and origin of this phrase
Honeymoon - Honeymoon - Wikipedia
Robbo3
Established Member
Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says,
“As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there’s a wee place. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he’ll buy the fifth drink.”
“Well,” said the Englishman, “At my local in London, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.”
“Ahhh, dat’s nothin’,” said the Irishman, “back home in my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually.
Then, when you’ve had enough drinks, they’ll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!”
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
The Irishman swore every word was true.
Then the Englishman asked, “Did this actually happen to you?” “Not to me, personally, no,” admitted the Irishman, “but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.”
“As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there’s a wee place. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he’ll buy the fifth drink.”
“Well,” said the Englishman, “At my local in London, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.”
“Ahhh, dat’s nothin’,” said the Irishman, “back home in my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually.
Then, when you’ve had enough drinks, they’ll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!”
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
The Irishman swore every word was true.
Then the Englishman asked, “Did this actually happen to you?” “Not to me, personally, no,” admitted the Irishman, “but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.”
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