This was a National Trust 2016 April Fool...
See Moving the Avebury stones for British Summer Time
I used to work for them making furniture. Happy days.
Joke thread
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See Moving the Avebury stones for British Summer Time
I used to work for them making furniture. Happy days.
My wife just said that if I don't get off Facebook on my computer and do some of the little jobs that need doing around the house she'll slam my head on the keyboard, but I think she's full of shifjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn
cisamcgu
Established Member
Robbo3
Established Member
A lady is at the hairdressers, the stylist is one of those people who always likes to put people and the things they do down, but it was the only appointment available. The following conversation ensues.
Stylist: So are you having your hair done for a special occasion.
Customer: Yes we're off on holiday on Friday, we're going to Rome for our Anniversary.
S: Oh you don't want to go there, we went 2 years ago, it's an awful smelly, dirty city, full of uncouth locals. Who are you flying with?
C: We're flying with BA.
S: You'll regret it, we flew with them last year, seats were too close together, cabin staff were rude, food was awful and I would never fly with them again. Where are you staying?
C: The Hotel Bella Vista.
S: OMG that's where we stayed, the room was tiny, the bed was uncomfortable and the food was terrible, you'll regret staying there. What are your plans there?
C: Well one of the things we are most looking forward to is going to Vatican City to see the Pope addressing the people in St. Peters' Square.
S: You'll be wasting your time, we went, it was absolutely packed you'll get nowhere near him, hardly hear a word he says and be pressed against people on all sides, then struggle to get out through the crowds afterwards.
The customer is now totally peed off so doesn't engage in further conversation pays and leaves.
A month or so after her holiday she makes another appointment and books with the same stylist, just as she has finished the stylist remembers her from before.
S: Oh you were going to Rome weren't you, I told you how bad it was, I bet you regret it now.
C: On the contrary we had a wonderful time.
S: Humph, well I bet the flight was appalling!
C: No it was fantastic, the check in staff member was lovely, she asked if we were going for a special occasion and had we had been to Rome before, we said it was for our anniversary and when we said we hadn't been before she recommended some places to visit and some good restaurants. Then asked us to wait a minute and went and spoke to her manager. When she came back she upgraded us to first class. Lots of legroom, really wide comfortable seats, great food on proper china, free champagne, it was superb and was a great start to our holiday.
S: Well, what about that terrible Hotel?
C: It was absolutely great, the BA check in lady had asked where we were staying, we didn't think anything of it. But when we arrived she had called the Hotel and told them it was our anniversary. They upgraded our double room to a Penthouse suite with a roof terrace looking across Rome. Breakfast was served every day on the terrace, the staff couldn't do more for us and the food in the restaurant was sublime. And before you ask we didn't find Rome dirty and smelly at all, it was a lovely City with some of the friendliest people I've met .
S: I know you must have had a terrible time in Vatican City trying to see the Pope!
C: Not at all, we made sure we weren't too late getting there so we weren't too far back, everyone was quiet and respectful and were there to listen to The Pope like us.
S: You may have heard him but you still couldn't have really seen him up there on his balcony.
C: Actually as the sermon ended a gentleman in a suit with an earpiece in his ear approached us and said that after every sermon The Pope likes to meet a small number of people who have come to hear him and he was one of the staff sent to select those people, would we like a private audience with The Pope? Of course we said yes and went with him.
S: What? You didn't
C: Yes we did, we along with just 4 other couples were taken into The Vatican and seated in a large room then after a few minutes The Pope came in blessed us and spoke to us each in turn.
S: That's amazing what did he say?
C: Well he looked at me and said "who the heck did your hair?
With that she got up and left.
Stylist: So are you having your hair done for a special occasion.
Customer: Yes we're off on holiday on Friday, we're going to Rome for our Anniversary.
S: Oh you don't want to go there, we went 2 years ago, it's an awful smelly, dirty city, full of uncouth locals. Who are you flying with?
C: We're flying with BA.
S: You'll regret it, we flew with them last year, seats were too close together, cabin staff were rude, food was awful and I would never fly with them again. Where are you staying?
C: The Hotel Bella Vista.
S: OMG that's where we stayed, the room was tiny, the bed was uncomfortable and the food was terrible, you'll regret staying there. What are your plans there?
C: Well one of the things we are most looking forward to is going to Vatican City to see the Pope addressing the people in St. Peters' Square.
S: You'll be wasting your time, we went, it was absolutely packed you'll get nowhere near him, hardly hear a word he says and be pressed against people on all sides, then struggle to get out through the crowds afterwards.
The customer is now totally peed off so doesn't engage in further conversation pays and leaves.
A month or so after her holiday she makes another appointment and books with the same stylist, just as she has finished the stylist remembers her from before.
S: Oh you were going to Rome weren't you, I told you how bad it was, I bet you regret it now.
C: On the contrary we had a wonderful time.
S: Humph, well I bet the flight was appalling!
C: No it was fantastic, the check in staff member was lovely, she asked if we were going for a special occasion and had we had been to Rome before, we said it was for our anniversary and when we said we hadn't been before she recommended some places to visit and some good restaurants. Then asked us to wait a minute and went and spoke to her manager. When she came back she upgraded us to first class. Lots of legroom, really wide comfortable seats, great food on proper china, free champagne, it was superb and was a great start to our holiday.
S: Well, what about that terrible Hotel?
C: It was absolutely great, the BA check in lady had asked where we were staying, we didn't think anything of it. But when we arrived she had called the Hotel and told them it was our anniversary. They upgraded our double room to a Penthouse suite with a roof terrace looking across Rome. Breakfast was served every day on the terrace, the staff couldn't do more for us and the food in the restaurant was sublime. And before you ask we didn't find Rome dirty and smelly at all, it was a lovely City with some of the friendliest people I've met .
S: I know you must have had a terrible time in Vatican City trying to see the Pope!
C: Not at all, we made sure we weren't too late getting there so we weren't too far back, everyone was quiet and respectful and were there to listen to The Pope like us.
S: You may have heard him but you still couldn't have really seen him up there on his balcony.
C: Actually as the sermon ended a gentleman in a suit with an earpiece in his ear approached us and said that after every sermon The Pope likes to meet a small number of people who have come to hear him and he was one of the staff sent to select those people, would we like a private audience with The Pope? Of course we said yes and went with him.
S: What? You didn't
C: Yes we did, we along with just 4 other couples were taken into The Vatican and seated in a large room then after a few minutes The Pope came in blessed us and spoke to us each in turn.
S: That's amazing what did he say?
C: Well he looked at me and said "who the heck did your hair?
With that she got up and left.
Phil Pascoe
Established Member
The old ones are the best. 
niemeyjt
Established Member
Mick Jagger's chat-up line.The old ones are the best.
SamG340
Established Member
Why have you copied and pasted my joke from page 48 word for word?
Doug B
Shy Tot
Sam its not worth it talk to the Samaritans , Get this death wish out of your system lol
Sam its not worth it speak to the Samaritans , Get this death wish out of your head . lol
HUH?
SamG340
Established Member
SamG340
Established Member
It was funnier when he said it
AES
Established Member
Which of course reminds me of that really hoary old one about a bloke "reading out" jokes by their number (like a Chinese Restaurant menu) and no one laughs. "Funnier when HE said it", etc, etc,
It's word for word the same?
SamG340
Established Member
And yet somehow funnier ? It's a mystery...
SamG340
Established Member
maybe he didn't read through 100 pages of jokes before posting
But, when I posted it it was one I remembered from some years ago so I rewrote it to post, it is my words copied and posted.
I understand that lots of people know the same joke and wouldn't necessarily read the whole thread to see if it's been posted before, but then it would not be my exact words, just seems odd, I posted it here and on another totally unrelated forum and it HAS been copied and posted.
Lard
Established Member
AWKWARD BRITISH PROBLEMS:
Staring at your phone in silent horror until the unknown number stops ringing
Hearing a recording of your own voice and deciding it’s perhaps best never to speak again
The relief when someone doesn’t answer their phone within three rings and you can hang up
Filming an entire fireworks display on your phone, knowing full well you’ll never, ever watch it again
Mishearing somebody’s name on the second time of asking, meaning you must now avoid them forever
Leaving it too late to correct someone, meaning you must live with your new name forever
Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed ‘cheers’, ‘ta’ and ‘nice one’
Changing from ‘kind regards’ to just ‘regards’, to indicate that you’re rapidly reaching the end of your tether
Realising you’ve got about fifty grand’s worth of plastic bags under your kitchen sink
"You’ll have to excuse the mess” – Translation: I’ve spent seven hours tidying in preparation for your visit
Indicating that you want the last roast potato by trying to force everyone else to take it
"I’m off to bed” – Translation: “I’m off to stare at my phone in another part of the house”
The overwhelming sorrow of finding a cup of tea you forgot about
Turning down a cup of tea for no reason and instantly knowing you’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake
Suddenly remembering your tea and necking it like a massive, lukewarm shot
Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change
Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again
Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a different haircut to the one you requested
Being unable to pay for something with the exact change without saying “I think that’s right”
Overtaking someone on foot and having to keep up the uncomfortably fast pace until safely over the horizon
Being unable to turn and walk in the opposite direction without first taking out your phone and frowning at it
Deeming it necessary to do a little jog over zebra crossings, while throwing in an apologetic mini wave
Punishing people who don’t say thank you by saying “you’re welcome” as quietly as possible
Loudly tapping your fingers at the cashpoint, to assure the queue that you’ve asked for money and the wait is out of your hands
Looking away so violently as someone nearby enters their PIN that you accidentally dislocate your neck
Being sure to start touching your bag 15 minutes before your station, so the person in the aisle seat is fully prepared for your exit
Repeatedly pressing the door button on the train before it’s illuminated, to assure your fellow commuters you have the situation in hand
Having someone sit next to you on the train, meaning you’ll have to eat your crisps at home
The huge sense of relief after your perfectly valid train ticket is accepted by the inspector
The horror of someone you only half know saying: “Oh I’m getting that train too”
“Sorry, is anyone sitting here?” – Translation: Unless this is a person who looks remarkably like a bag, I suggest you move it
Worrying you’ve accidentally packed 3 kilos of cocaine and a dead goat as you stroll through “Nothing to declare”
Being unable to stand and leave without first saying “right”
Not hearing someone for the third time, so just laughing and hoping for the best
Saying “anywhere here’s fine” when the taxi’s directly outside your front door.
Staring at your phone in silent horror until the unknown number stops ringingHearing a recording of your own voice and deciding it’s perhaps best never to speak againThe relief when someone doesn’t answer their phone within three rings and you can hang upFilming an entire fireworks display on your phone, knowing full well you’ll never, ever watch it again Mishearing somebody’s name on the second time of asking, meaning you must now avoid them forever Leaving it too late to correct someone, meaning you must live with your new name forever Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed ‘cheers’, ‘ta’ and ‘nice one’ Changing from ‘kind regards’ to just ‘regards’, to indicate that you’re rapidly reaching the end of your tether Realising you’ve got about fifty grand’s worth of plastic bags under your kitchen sink"You’ll have to excuse the mess” – Translation: I’ve spent seven hours tidying in preparation for your visit Indicating that you want the last roast potato by trying to force everyone else to take it "I’m off to bed” – Translation: “I’m off to stare at my phone in another part of the house” The overwhelming sorrow of finding a cup of tea you forgot about Turning down a cup of tea for no reason and instantly knowing you’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake Suddenly remembering your tea and necking it like a massive, lukewarm shot Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a different haircut to the one you requested Being unable to pay for something with the exact change without saying “I think that’s right” Overtaking someone on foot and having to keep up the uncomfortably fast pace until safely over the horizon Being unable to turn and walk in the opposite direction without first taking out your phone and frowning at it Deeming it necessary to do a little jog over zebra crossings, while throwing in an apologetic mini wave Punishing people who don’t say thank you by saying “you’re welcome” as quietly as possible Loudly tapping your fingers at the cashpoint, to assure the queue that you’ve asked for money and the wait is out of your hands Looking away so violently as someone nearby enters their PIN that you accidentally dislocate your neck Being sure to start touching your bag 15 minutes before your station, so the person in the aisle seat is fully prepared for your exit Repeatedly pressing the door button on the train before it’s illuminated, to assure your fellow commuters you have the situation in hand Having someone sit next to you on the train, meaning you’ll have to eat your crisps at home The huge sense of relief after your perfectly valid train ticket is accepted by the inspector The horror of someone you only half know saying: “Oh I’m getting that train too” “Sorry, is anyone sitting here?” – Translation: Unless this is a person who looks remarkably like a bag, I suggest you move it Worrying you’ve accidentally packed 3 kilos of cocaine and a dead goat as you stroll through “Nothing to declare” Being unable to stand and leave without first saying “right” Not hearing someone for the third time, so just laughing and hoping for the best Saying “anywhere here’s fine” when the taxi’s directly outside your front door.- Status
