Joke Thread II

[Cozzer]

Lived out in the US for a while, and started dating a would-be astronaut.
Meeting up now and then was tricky because of all her training, but although I was very keen, we finally decided to break up because she wanted her own space....

 

[Cozzer]

Being an enthusiastic member of our local cricket team, I attend their practice sessions a couple of nights a week, and usually get picked for the Saturday and Sunday matches. Nothing grand, just one village/town outfit versus another, and then off for a couple of pints.
My better half threw a bit of a wobbler about all the time I spend at the game, and started slinging my cricket bag around in her rage.
My pads were slung at my general direction - which I managed to duck - but the she found the box of spare balls, and her aim was likely a bit more accurate!
I managed to dodge the first five, before I shouted
"Another one, and it's over!"

 

[Yorkieguy]

Nothing changes!

 

[Cozzer]

My late father always used to say, "Leave em' wanting more!"
Great for his hobby in amateur dramatics.
Not great for his proper job and probably the reason he got the sack as an anaesthetist.*




* After I typed this, the auto-correct thing on this forum tried to tell me that it was the wrong spelling!
The cheek!!

 

[Cozzer]

Chatting to a pal of mine, he moaned about the "snowflakes" amongst us who were already panicking about the winter fuel bills and not being to heat and eat.
I argued that there was reason to be fearful, what with the threat of a million people striking, and what did he think folk should do if it turns really icy cold.
He said they should simply grit their teeth....

 

[Cozzer]

My GP just told me I was suffering from paranoia.
He didn't actually say that, but I could tell it was what he was thinking.

 

[Daniel2]

Chatting to a pal of mine, he moaned about the "snowflakes" amongst us who were already panicking about the winter fuel bills and not being to heat and eat.
I argued that there was reason to be fearful, what with the threat of a million people striking, and what did he think folk should do if it turns really icy cold.
He said they should simply grit their teeth....

 

[Cozzer]

I'll get Stuart to explain it to you, Daniel2....

 

[Cozzer]

My new neighbour's a right show-off and braggart.
He claims he can lift 4 full trash bins with one hand!
I think that's a load of rubbish....

 

[Blackswanwood]

 

[Cozzer]

"Ahoy, m'hearty!" cried my mate, Pirate Pete. "I'm not as cheery as normal, me old..."
I asked him what the problem was.
"Well, when I worr sailin' around the Main all those years ago, I met Billy Boy, a beauty of a parrot. Never saw a more pretty bird. 'E worr clever,an' all! 'E became moi favourite companion,'e did. Told 'im where my treasure was buried an' everythin', and taught 'im all the swear words that us pirate boys use. Aye, 'e worr my bestest pal, 'e worr... I miss 'im, t'owd lad...."
"Miss him?" I asked.
"Aye, miss 'im. Spoiled 'im rotten, I did. Fed 'im way too much though, accordin' to the ship's doc. He worr really overweight, and it became dangerous for 'im....so I 'ad to 'ave 'im put dahn, I did....."
I saw the old pirate's eyes glisten as he recounted his tale.
"Sorry to hear that", I said in a sympathetic tone.
"Aye, lad. It worr sad. Mind you, it's a weight off me shoulders..."

 

[user 38384]

 

[TRITON]

During my apprenticeship one of the other apprentices stepped out of a welding booth with his goggles on and his crotch on fire. He had no idea why the rest of use were laughing our heads off.

Make a change from 'Anyone seen my boots ?' only to find them welded to the table by their steel toecaps

 

[dzj]

 

[Doug B]

 

[stuart little]

On the recommendation of Cozzer:- When it's icy we get our roads gritted - if we're lucky, that is.

 

[stuart little]

I'll get Stuart to explain it to you, Daniel2....

Done that!

 

[Cozzer]

Cucumbers are great for the Memory!..................................................................................Once it's been stuck up your Bum you never forget it!

Reminds me of that "One Foot In The Grave" episode when Angus Deayton gets a champagne cork wedged, when he minces and winces up the road carrying a pastel-coloured umbrella. Can't remember the plot exactly, but it convinces Victor that it's Deayton's gay twin brother....

 

[Cozzer]

Done that!

Thank you, Stuart!

 

[Doug B]