I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.
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My mother's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
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I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
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When I was born, I was so surprised, I didn't talk for a year and a half.
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My son just threatened never to talk to me again. I'm 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
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There's an app on my phone that makes me look fat. It's called a camera.
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Once you start talking to dogs, it's almost impossible to go back to people.
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Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs? I don't thinks so.... retired mermaids.
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I once took to the stage as Hamlet, which really annoyed the cast of Mamma Mia.
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If I'd known my grandchildren were so much fun, I would have had them first.
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All this talk about age is foolish. Every time I'm one year older, everyone else is too.
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I watched a cricket match for three hours waiting for it to start.
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I've been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn't require my presence.
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I'm leaving my body to science because even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
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Well hello! If I had known you were coming over, I would have left the house.
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My wife accused me of being self-important. I nearly fell off my throne.
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Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
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It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly.
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Today is one of those days where I wish I could restore myself to the factory settings.