user 38384
Established Member
- Joined
- 6 Dec 2021
- Messages
- 159
- Reaction score
- 977
Joke Thread II
- Thread starter JBaz
- Start date
Help Support UKworkshop.co.uk:
- Status
How did you know?!!
flying haggis
Established Member
Sorry, not getting it
user 38384
Established Member
- Joined
- 6 Dec 2021
- Messages
- 159
- Reaction score
- 977
Me neither.
flying haggis
Established Member
instead of winning money, you win fuel....................................
Ahh
A bit cryptic though, I thought it was a question about fuel.
But I see it now.
someone breakout the straight jackets.
A bit cryptic though, I thought it was a question about fuel.
But I see it now.
someone breakout the straight jackets.
flying haggis
Established Member
flying haggis
Established Member
AES
Established Member
I thought it about time I posted on this "new" Jokes thread.
Here's a few for those "of a certain age". A couple of real old hoary ones, sorry, but there's a couple that are new to me anyway. And this first one could be SWMBO and myself (although we're neither of us in our nineties - not quite yet anyway):
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
During a check-up the doctor tells them that they're physically okay but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure.' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He answers 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so write it down please.' says she.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles off into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment, then asks,
'Where's my toast?'
-----------------------------------------------------
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gents were talking and one said, 'Last week we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other asked 'What's the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns?'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man.
Then he turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last week?'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. While working as a student nurse. I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet. He insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
---------------------------------------------------------
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?' 'Yep!'
'Do I know her?' 'Nope!'
'Oh. This woman, is she good looking?' 'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook then?' 'Naw, she doesn't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?' 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse!'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 'I dunno.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man was telling his neighbour 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc. Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur, be careful.'
Last one:
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
Here's a few for those "of a certain age". A couple of real old hoary ones, sorry, but there's a couple that are new to me anyway. And this first one could be SWMBO and myself (although we're neither of us in our nineties - not quite yet anyway):
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
During a check-up the doctor tells them that they're physically okay but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure.' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He answers 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so write it down please.' says she.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles off into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment, then asks,
'Where's my toast?'
-----------------------------------------------------
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gents were talking and one said, 'Last week we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other asked 'What's the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns?'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man.
Then he turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last week?'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. While working as a student nurse. I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet. He insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
---------------------------------------------------------
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?' 'Yep!'
'Do I know her?' 'Nope!'
'Oh. This woman, is she good looking?' 'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook then?' 'Naw, she doesn't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?' 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse!'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 'I dunno.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man was telling his neighbour 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc. Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur, be careful.'
Last one:
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
Last edited:
Robert and Carol were having dinner at their favourite London restaurant. While waiting for the main course, a gorgeous blonde walked up to Robert and kissed him on the cheek before walking out of the restaurant. Carol was surprised and asked Robert who she was. Robert replied "She's my mistress." Carol was furious, threw her napkin on the table and said "You *****! I'll divorce you!"
Robert slowly folded his napkin and said "No you won't. I'll cancel your membership at the clubs and spas, you will never set foot in the villas in Spain and France, and you will never see the Bentley again. I can afford the best attorney to ensure the prenupital agreement you signed will be enforced."
While Carol was thinking about this, she noticed their neighbor, Karl, sitting at a table on the other side of the room with a cute redhead who was young enough to be his daughter. Carol asked Robert who Karl was sitting with, and Robert replied "Oh, that's his mistress."
Carol said "Hmm...ours is cuter."
Robert slowly folded his napkin and said "No you won't. I'll cancel your membership at the clubs and spas, you will never set foot in the villas in Spain and France, and you will never see the Bentley again. I can afford the best attorney to ensure the prenupital agreement you signed will be enforced."
While Carol was thinking about this, she noticed their neighbor, Karl, sitting at a table on the other side of the room with a cute redhead who was young enough to be his daughter. Carol asked Robert who Karl was sitting with, and Robert replied "Oh, that's his mistress."
Carol said "Hmm...ours is cuter."
another old one.
Man walks into the doctors. There's a frog growing out of the top of his head. The doctor says "Oh!! That looks terrible". The frog says " I know, it just started as a boil on my bum this morning"
Man walks into the doctors. There's a frog growing out of the top of his head. The doctor says "Oh!! That looks terrible". The frog says " I know, it just started as a boil on my bum this morning"
Doug B
Shy Tot
user 38384
Established Member
- Joined
- 6 Dec 2021
- Messages
- 159
- Reaction score
- 977
- Status
