Joke Thread II

[Old Chippy]

I was cutting wood yesterday that health warnings say the dust from it is extremely poisonous. If you should get the dust in an open wound, wash it out immediately and seek medical advice. I rang the NHS for advice. They told me to go straight away to my doctor for treatment. I told them I couldn't do that as I was still trying to find my finger in the bandsaw shavings bag

 

[quintain]

Got up today after a good night's sleep and said to my wife I feel like a new man . What a coincidence she said So do I.

but where can I get one at this time of day ??

 

[Old Chippy]

I know you've all heard it now but I liked it when two guys were talking about a new lathe one of them had just bought. He said it was made in China and the other one said. "Bat flu is the only thing to come out of China that's lasted longer than a week

 

[Old Chippy]

I know we are not allowed to make jokes about people from another country But a man from a country near mainland UK was teaching his dog to wee in the gutter. To cut a long story short he fell off the roof and broke his neck

 

[Junah]

A couple of years ago before the current situation in Ukraine, I was asked by our new starter at work how we had got on at the previous nights pub quiz, she said "Ask me one of the questions"
Me "What is the capital of Ukraine"
She "Too difficult, give me a clue"
Me " Begins with a K"
She "Still too difficult, give me another clue"
Me "Think of chicken"
She "Is it Kentucky?"
You couldn't make it up, She came with 12 GCSE's and 4 A levels. Taught to pass exams but no knowledge.

 

[Phil Pascoe]

One earlier on didn't know when asked the name of the deity that is the first word of the national anthem.

 

[Jameshow]

Cannibalism.....

 

[gwaithcoed]

but where can I get one at this time of day ??

I gave her a couple of phone numbers to try but she's had no takers yet

 

[againstthegrain]

Q: Why is there music coming from the laser printer?
A: That'll be the paper jamming.

 

[againstthegrain]

Q: So did you propose to her as soon as she got out of jail?
A: No I had to wait a year or two - you can't end a sentence with a proposition...

 

[flying haggis]

 

[SamG340]

 

[SamG340]

 

[SamG340]

 

[Tris]

That's very similar to my excuse: I love my 6 pack so much I protect it with a layer of fat

 

[againstthegrain]

 

[Cozzer]

"Bloody ****! Quarter to four in the morning, and somebody's knocking on our door!", moaned the bloke to his wife.
"Probably been to the pub for a lockdown....lucky him....remember those days, dear? When we had a life..." he droned on.....
Another few knocks followed.
"God almighty! Are we ever going to get any sleep?!"
He turned over, pulling the duvet over his head.
Louder, most determined knocking.....
Laddo cursed, leapt out of bed, threw on his dressing gown and opened the bedroom window.
"For Christ's sake!", he bellowed,"What do you want?!"
A plaintive little voice answered.
"Sorry to wake you. Can you give me a push please?"
"Pineapple* off!", shouted the bloke.
"What's going on?" asked his wife as the bloke climbed back into bed.
"Some cretin's stuck, and wants a push.....I told him to forget it"
His wife thought for a moment, before reminding him of a similar event that had happened to them a few years before.
"Remember? We'd broken down in the middle of nowhere, we'd the three kids in the back and it was tippling down with rain? And those two blokes appeared out of the gloom and got us going again? Remember?"
"Yes, yes, OK, OK, I'll go down....."
The bloke threw some clothes on, went downstairs and opened his door.
"Are you still there?"
"Yes" came the reply, from around the corner.
"Are you still wanting a push?"
"Yes, please...."
"Where are you? I can't see you....." said the bloke, peering into the darkness....
"Over here", came the voice, "On the swings....."


* Thought I'd censor it myself to save the mod some time!

 

[SamG340]

 

[user 38384]

 

[Jester129]

A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LX460
when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7M, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running.”