Joke Thread II

[IZZY]

A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LX460
when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7M, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running.”

When I worked as a service engineer for a Japanese car manufacturer we had a cardiologist with a minor complaint with his car giving us a really hard time . Could not be satisfied and wanted all the compensation possible . The engineer dealing with him finally lost his rag and said . " you surgeons are lucky ,when you loose a case the patient cannot complain". phone went dead and 2 minutes later the M.D. secretary rang to as the engineer to go to M.D. office.

 

[NormanB]

When I worked as a service engineer for a Japanese car manufacturer we had a cardiologist with a minor complaint with his car giving us a really hard time . Could not be satisfied and wanted all the compensation possible . The engineer dealing with him finally lost his rag and said . " you surgeons are lucky ,when you loose a case the patient cannot complain". phone went dead and 2 minutes later the M.D. secretary rang to as the engineer to go to M.D. office.

 

[MorrisWoodman12]

When I worked as a service engineer for a Jap car manufacturer we had a cardiologist with a minor complaint with his car giving us a really hard time . Could not be satisfied and wanted all the compensation possible . The engineer dealing with him finally lost his rag and said . " you surgeons are lucky ,when you loose a case the patient cannot complain". phone went dead and 2 minutes later the M.D. secretary rang to as the engineer to go to M.D. office.

And! And?????????????

 

[Cozzer]

Whilst we puzzle out our own ending to Izzy's joke*, here's a little filler for you....

A bloke's walking home from work late one evening. He's had a tiring, frustrating day and for the moment he just wants to get home, have a scotch and a cuddle with his wife.....but then he spots a female in the shadow of a streetlight.
"Well", he thought to himself**, "What the ****! The Scotch can wait! I'm going to have some excitement for a change!"
He's never been with a lady of the night before, so he approaches her, puts on a false voice and asks the going rate.
She flashes both hands up, twice.
"£20. What the ****! Let's go for it"
They get down to the nitty-gritty, but all of a sudden they are picked out in a fierce torch beam.
It's the cops!
"And what's going on here?!" bellowed the cop.
"Do you mind?!" the bloke says, "I'm making love to my wife!"
"Oh....my apologies" replied the cop. "I didn't know...."
"Well", said the bloke, "To tell the truth, neither did I until you flashed that light on her face...."


* Got to be something about keeping the engine v. the heart running?

** What a stupid expression that is....

 

[Stan]

Following on from cozzer.....

A bloke goes to the red light district and approaches a lady of the night.

"How about it handsome?", she leers.

"Sure, but I've only got a tenner", he lies.

"Huh", she snorts with amusement. "You won't get much for a tenner round here" and she struts off.

The bloke decides to drown his sorrows and enters the nearby corner pub, where he gets a pint at the bar. About ten minutes later he's joined by his wife, so he buys her a drink also.

A short while later the "lady" comes in. She notices the bloke at the bar and looks his wife up and down.

"Hah", she exclaims. "Told you you wouldn't get much for a tenner round here".

 

[Sandyn]

I've had a lifelong ambition to play a Cyclops in a horror movie. It's a pretty rare role to find, but I'm keeping an eye out for it.

 

[dzj]

 

[Rob_Mc]

Issued by Ukraine a couple of days ago before the sinking of the Moskva (the ship in the stamp)

 

[artie]

,

 

[Rob_Mc]

Issued by Ukraine a couple of days ago before the sinking of the Moskva (the ship in the stamp)

View attachment 133698

I originally posted this in the off topic section under the title 'World's Best Postage Stamp' Not sure why it has now been merged into a joke thread ... it is a real stamp recently issued by the Ukranian government.

 

[Doug B]

A dwarf was drinking in a bar, when a sexy blonde walked up to him and said “I’ve always wanted to have sex with a little person.”

The dwarf replied “I’m sorry, but I’ve had women say that before, then I go home with them and the husband or boyfriend finds out and I get beaten up.”

“It’s ok,”said the woman, “my husband is working away until next week.“

So, against his better judgment he goes back with the woman.

They start having amazing sex, when suddenly the front door opens.

“dam, it’s my husband!“ she said.”Quick, hang out of the bedroom window and when he goes for a shower, you can climb in and get away!”

So the dwarf climbs out of the window and hangs on the ledge by his fingertips.

The husband comes in the bedroom, says “It’s cold in here!” slams the window shut and the dwarf plummets to the ground.

The woman is distraught and calls an ambulance. A couple of days later she goes to visit the dwarf in hospital.

“How are you?” she asked.

“Well, my fingers are broken, I’ve got two broken ankles, a dislocated hip and severe concussion,”he said.

“Oh dear!” she said. “Still, it could have been much worse.“

“Much worse?!” said the dwarf. “How do you figure that out?”

“Well,” she said, “you’re lucky that I live in a bungalow!”

 

[user 38384]

 

[SamG340]

 

[kinverkid]

 

[Robbo3]

 

[dzj]

 

[Doug B]

A husband walks into Fredrick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500in price, the sheerer, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself."

So she appears on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot.
Funeral services are pending

 

[Stan]

The scene - a bar in a singles club for over 30's. A thirty-something lonely lady meets a charming gent and they share a few drinks. He invites her home for dinner which he promises to cook himself.

After a splendid meal and some choice wine they retire to the bedroom. As she enters she notices three long shelves on a wall one above the other. The bottom shelf is filled with a variety of teddies and other soft animals all about 6" tall. The middle shelf is the same but the toys are larger. The top shelf is the same but the toys are huge. She is impressed. Not only is he charming and a wonderful cook, but he is in touch with his inner self. Could he be the one?

Things progress and well, you know.... time passes.....waves crashing on the shore etc etc.

Afterwards she asks "how was it for you, darling?"

"Not bad", he replies. "Take any toy you like from the middle shelf".

 

[Robbo3]

↓
↓
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So did you notice anything wrong?
1. Extra finger
2. One ear
3. Extra arm

 

[dzj]