Joke Thread II

[niemeyjt]

I had a shock on my walk today.

I was walking past the station and a lady shouted at me "before", "up", "against", "outside", "towards", "beyond".

I think I was being prepositioned.

 

[Jameshow]

So why would you want to change the name of food to office equipment if you arnt taxed on expences

Just so you can order fast food without embarrassment!
It's a joke!!!!

 

[Thingybob]

Just so you can order fast food without embarrassment!
It's a joke!!!!

Ok back of the class (still dont get it )

 

[AES]

Just so you can order fast food without embarrassment!
It's a joke!!!!

Are you quite sure that's a JOKE James? Clear it is (to me anyway) by IMO anyway, by no stretch of the imagination can that be called "funny" (unless you mean "funny peculiar" I s'pose).

 

[Jameshow]

Jokes are very much in the eye of the teller, not everybody sees the same things as funny!!

 

[Doug B]

 

[Doug B]

Sorry I have to call it out even though im guilty of the exact same thing.

Too many of these jokes are 2nd hand straight of the ARRSE website.
At least scroll back a few pages.

Well I’ve never heard of the ARRSE website so I’ve no idea what you are on about as for the joke I don’t remember seeing it in the last few pages

 

[selectortone]

 

[Doug B]

 

[Doug B]

 

[TRITON]

Well I’ve never heard of the ARRSE website

It's the Army Rumour Service.
https://www.arrse.co.uk/community/forums/
Quite interesting, but best you're not of a nervous disposition or easily offended.

 

[user 38384]

 

[Jester129]

 

[Amateur]

I tried reviving our relationship by buying a waterbed...........
but we just drifted apart.

 

[Morag Jones]

 

[Alex H]

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told her, "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year", said the shrink. Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"Eighty pounds per visit", replied the doctor.
"I'll sleep on it", I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" she asked.
"Well, eighty quid a visit, three times a week for a year, is £12,480. A barmaid cured me for £10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought myself a new Ducati."
"Is that so? " she said with a bit of an attitude, "And how, may I ask, did a barmaid cure you?"
"She told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't anyone under there now."

 

[stuart little]

Just so you can order fast food without embarrassment!
It's a joke!!!!

Still gets one of these; make that;

 

[stuart little]

Jokes are very much in the eye of the teller, not everybody sees the same things as funny!!

Sounds like my 'jokes'

 

[Yorkieguy]

The joke only works (as a joke) if you've worked in an office environment in which you can claim expenses for small items bought in connection with your job, such as those names of items used for burgers. It's said that 'there's no such thing as a free lunch', but there is if you can buy a burger and call it a 'mini whiteboard' and put an expense claim in for it. In some outfits, such stunts are fairly widespread and considered fair game. Some would say that it's 'biting the hand that feeds you'. (It's not something I'd countenance of engage in. It might sound haughty, but the price of my hour is rather higher than the price of a burger).

I spent my career in what is now a privatised industry, hidebound with red tape. As a middle manager back in the 70s when calculators had been quite expensive, they were treated as 'capital' not 'revenue', so a 'Capital Expenditure' business case had to be submitted and would have been declined. That remained the case when prices of calculators plummeted. If I needed to buy ten calculators for office personnel, I'd get a receipt for a ton of sand (a revenue item) and submit that instead of the receipt for the calculators, which would have bounced. It kept everyone happy.

Not dishonest - just 'creative accounting' to keep the wheels of industry turning.

I can see why the 'joke' is unfunny to anyone who hasn't worked in that sort of environment.

Not everything is funny to everyone. Thousands think that Michael Mcintyre is hilarious - I think he's a self-obsessed, strutting, preening peacock, so I don't watch him.

 

[Jameshow]

What's you view of John bishop?!