Joke Thread 5

[RobinBHM]

Big Balkan wedding dance

 

[RobinBHM]

So, gender neutral toilets, what do people think?






…….yeah, their not for everyone

 

[Doug B]

 

[Vulcan]

 

[ColinDeVelen]

Some thoughts from OZ

If you had bought $1000 worth of Qantas shares one year ago.
You would have made $49.00 today.
If you had bought $1000 worth of AIG shares one year ago.
You would have made $33.00 today.
If you had bought $1000 worth of Lehman Brothers Shares one year ago.
You would have made $0.00 today.


BUT .... If you purchaseD $1000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer then returned the cans for recycling.
You would have made $214.00 today.
So based on above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily and recycle !!


AND DID YOU KNOW......
A recent study found that the average Australian walks 900 miles a year.
Another study found the average Australian consumes 22 gallons of alcohol a year.


That means on average AUSSIES get 41 miles to the gallon.

Here in Cz, and also across the border in Germany, there's a deposit on beer bottles. Until the shops got wise to it, you used to be able to buy your beer in one country, drink it, return the bottles to the other and make a small profit. You can also return a full crate (which also has a deposit) of bottles to redeem the deposit for both the crate and the empties. However, some shops used to have the automatic return machine inside the store. That meant that some enterprising elements of society would walk in to the shop, pick up two or three crates of beer, put them in to the return machine, collect the returned deposit and use it to buy **** or similar.

 

[Jaco]

Declining motor bike sales

Some of the reasons for the slump in sales at Harley Davidson are as follows -

Apparently the Baby-Boomers all have motorcycles. Generation X is only buying a few, and the next generation isn't buying any at all.
A recent study was done to find out why Millennials don't ride motorcycles.


Pants won't pull up far enough for them to straddle the seat.
Can't get their phone to their ear with a helmet on.
Can't use two hands to eat while driving.
They don't get a trophy and a recognition plaque just for buying one.
Don't have enough muscle to hold the bike up when stopped.
Might have a bug hit them in the face and then they would need emergency care.
Motorcycles don't have air conditioning.
They can't afford one because they spent 12 years in college trying to get a degree in Humanities, Social Studies or Gender Studies for which no jobs are available.
They are allergic to fresh air.
Their pyjamas get caught on the exhaust pipes.
They might get their hands dirty checking the oil.
The handle bars have buttons and levers and cannot be controlled by touch-screen.
You have to shift manually and use something called a clutch.
It's too hard to take selfies while riding.
They don't come with training wheels like their bicycles did.
Motorcycles don't have power steering or power brakes.
Their nose ring interferes with the face shield.
They would have to use leg muscle to back up.
When they stop, a light breeze might blow exhaust in their face.
It could rain on them and expose them to non-soft water.
It might scare their therapy dog, and then the dog would need therapy.
Can't get the motorcycle down the basement stairs of their parent's home.

 

[stuart little]

A new sign has been displayed at Dover:-

WELCOME TO EUROPE'S BIGGEST ASYLUM
RUN BY THE LUNATICS.
ALL THOSE THAT ENTER, PREPARE TO LOSE THY WEALTH.
R.I.P. GB

A few centuries ago, all would have been charged with treason, then sent to the Tower. (IMHO)

 

[stuart little]

Declining motor bike sales

Some of the reasons for the slump in sales at Harley Davidson are as follows -

Apparently the Baby-Boomers all have motorcycles. Generation X is only buying a few, and the next generation isn't buying any at all.
A recent study was done to find out why Millennials don't ride motorcycles.


Pants won't pull up far enough for them to straddle the seat.
Can't get their phone to their ear with a helmet on.
Can't use two hands to eat while driving.
They don't get a trophy and a recognition plaque just for buying one.
Don't have enough muscle to hold the bike up when stopped.
Might have a bug hit them in the face and then they would need emergency care.
Motorcycles don't have air conditioning.
They can't afford one because they spent 12 years in college trying to get a degree in Humanities, Social Studies or Gender Studies for which no jobs are available.
They are allergic to fresh air.
Their pyjamas get caught on the exhaust pipes.
They might get their hands dirty checking the oil.
The handle bars have buttons and levers and cannot be controlled by touch-screen.
You have to shift manually and use something called a clutch.
It's too hard to take selfies while riding.
They don't come with training wheels like their bicycles did.
Motorcycles don't have power steering or power brakes.
Their nose ring interferes with the face shield.
They would have to use leg muscle to back up.
When they stop, a light breeze might blow exhaust in their face.
It could rain on them and expose them to non-soft water.
It might scare their therapy dog, and then the dog would need therapy.
Can't get the motorcycle down the basement stairs of their parent's home.

I thought rainwater is soft water. Me pedantic being.

 

[dzj]

A bit of dark humour, Czech style.
Thonet - chairs that will outlive you.

 

[stuart little]

Here in Cz, and also across the border in Germany, there's a deposit on beer bottles. Until the shops got wise to it, you used to be able to buy your beer in one country, drink it, return the bottles to the other and make a small profit. You can also return a full crate (which also has a deposit) of bottles to redeem the deposit for both the crate and the empties. However, some shops used to have the automatic return machine inside the store. That meant that some enterprising elements of society would walk in to the shop, pick up two or three crates of beer, put them in to the return machine, collect the returned deposit and use it to buy **** or similar.

During my time of touring Europe by motorhome, I would bring a couple or so crates of German beer home, then return the empties the following year. Someone said;"But that takes up space, doesn't it?". "Yes, It reserves the space for more full ones!"

 

[Tris]

Reminds me of my stepfather, who had been known to fill the fresh water tanks with red wine on the way back from France. Bit hairy when you forget and go to brush your teeth in the morning

If he ever had blood taken it was a race to the lab before it evaporated

 

[Jaco]

I thought rainwater is soft water. Me pedantic being.

It is supposed to be a JOKE!
Not analysis-paralysis

 

[MikeJhn]

What every husband needs:

 

[Tris]

What every husband needs:

View attachment 197995

Later that same day "I told you he was too young for piercings, and why the h*** do 5 in one ear?"

 

[Jaco]

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.
One said to the other, 'What do you think about all this Satan stuff?'
The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad..'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?''
The mother replied, 'Because white is the colour of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.'
The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.'
The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers.
In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~
A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?'
He answered, 'Call for backup.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.
A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a babysitter.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'Honour thy father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.
Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?'
Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'

 

[Amateur]

 

[Jaco]

Yesterday morning I bought two six packs of beer on sale at the liquor store.

I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.

I stopped at the service station where a drop-dead gorgeous, almost blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.

It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts and a light top which was wide open.

She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window.

With her braless breasts almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fellow. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"

I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer you got?"

THE ARROGANCE OF OLD AGE

 

[Jaco]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do....Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you’d like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"

"Nothing...........................but you left your ***** runnin!"

 

[Jaco]

A painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.

Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming
to the town of Miltown Malbay, in County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.

One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he
would paint her in the nude. This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a
bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, and she
was willing to pay up to £10,000.

Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer
with Mary, his wife. They talked much about the rightness and wrongness of it. It was hard to make the decision but finally his wife agreed, on one condition.

After a few minutes he returned.

"T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said "The wife says it's okay.

"I'll paint you in the nude all right; but I have to at least leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes."

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An Irishman is down on his luck, no home, no job, nothing to his name. He's knocking on houses in the hope of getting some odd job work to buy some food.
He knocks on a door and explains to the homeowner his position, anyway the homeowner says "I'll give you $50 to paint the porch out the front."
He comes back about 2 hours later and says he's finished, the owner gives him his money, and as the Irishman is walking away, says, "By the way it's not a Porch but a Mercedes!!"

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People are often shocked when they find out how bad an electrician I am!