Joke Thread 5

[Jaco]

How old am I?

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000
and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a
newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind
me asking, but how old do you think I am?
About 35, was the reply.
Actually 47, the man says, feeling really happy.
After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the
same question.
The reply is, Oh, you look about 29.
I am actually 47."
Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same
question.
She replies, I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when
I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age.
If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes,
I will be able to tell you your exact age.
As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets
her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later, the old lady says, Okay, it's done. You are 47.
Stunned, the man says, That was brilliant. How did you do that?
The old lady replies, I was behind you at McDonalds.

 

[kinverkid]

 

[artie]

 

[ey_tony]

Hamas has named 4 hostages to be released tomorrow in the ceasefire deal but there's no mention of when the sausages will be freed!

 

[SammyQ]

View attachment 196548

And I admired Sam Elliot as an actor...

 

[SeeO2]

And I admired Sam Elliot as an actor...

I’m sure he’ll be gutted.

 

[cisamcgu]

I admired Sam Elliot as an actor...

You realise that it is fake, he is a well known Democrat supporter and endorsed Kamala Harris ?

 

[Puggers]

 

[Puggers]

 

[Fergie 307]

You realise that it is fake, he is a well known Democrat supporter and endorsed Kamala Harris ?

"Time to be a man and vote for a woman".

 

[artie]

You realise that it is fake,

In the words of the late James Gregory. "It's a joke, it's a joke, it's a daaam joke.

 

[Jaco]

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom.


The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.


The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old ugly woman, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the woman was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the old woman. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old ugly woman wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, and barracked form Collingwood etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the woman answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the woman had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the ugly woman had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The young beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared ugly, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day -- or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old ugly woman? Or, would he prefer having a hideous woman during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below.






OK?




Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?

The moral is --


If you don't let a woman have her own way...
Things are going to get ugly..

 

[RobinBHM]

A Northener has been accused of terrorising London by……

 

[Jaco]

US Department of the Navy is now assigning females to quarters in a separate private "OFF LIMITS" area on all aircraft carriers.

While addressing all personnel at Pearl Harbor, CINCPAC advised,
"Female sleeping quarters will be "out-of-bounds" for all males.


Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first time." and the Admiral continued, "Anyone caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $150. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $500.


Are there any questions?"


At this point, a US Marine from the security detail assigned to a ship stood up in the crowd and inquired: "How much for a season pass?"