Joke Thread 5

[Ozi]

The American President is visiting a Glasgow hospital.

He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness,

He greets one.

The patient replies:

Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm.

The President is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.

The next patient responds:

Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit.

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the President moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle

Now seriously troubled, the President turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, 'Is this a psychiatric ward?'


'No,' replies the doctor, 'this is the serious Burns unit.'

"Great chieftain o the puddin race" With apologies to all Scott's I cannot stop thinking this is how Donald Trump should now be known.

Hat Coat

 

[Jaco]

• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

• A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

• Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

• I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

• When chemists die, they barium.

• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

• Broken pencils are pointless.

• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

• All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

• Velcro - what a rip off!

• Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last.

 

[Phill05]

"Great chieftain o the puddin race" With apologies to all Scott's I cannot stop thinking this is how Donald Trump should now be known.

Hat Coat

Should that be Face not race.

 

[Yorkieguy]

Is this a threat to posters on this thread just thinking out loud

It seems to be working for me, so far!

I steer clear of the 'off-topic' forum these days.

I consider it to be a 'Care In the Community' project to corral sundry disempowered consenting sociopaths, keyboard warriors, roost rulers, and 'tall poppies' who seem to have had their sense of humour surgically removed. A day on there for them is a day's respite for others. All that happens in this thread is that if anyone posts anything the least bit serious is that a cuckoo pops out of the clock and tweets the only tweet in its repertoire: 'I thought this was supposed to be a joke thread, a joke thread', a ......

Ho hum...

Cue the cuckoo!

 

[Yorkieguy]

 

[Yorkieguy]

 

[Yorkieguy]

 

[Yorkieguy]

 

[Yorkieguy]

 

[Yorkieguy]

 

[Yorkieguy]

 

[treeturner123]

View attachment 195770

In the old days, you could buy Pig's Trotters at 3d each.

That's 9d a yard!!


Phil

 

[Doug B]

 

[Sachakins]

View attachment 195807

He's welcome to take Scotland too...

 

[Amateur]

 

[Amateur]

This political toss keeps ruining the joke thread. Take it to the politics forum.

But its a political joke.
Like the hundreds of Trump jokes Australia selling new Zealand.
But you didnt complain about that.?

Normally Id agree with you.
But its funny and not over political.

 

[Stan]

A general decided to visit a field hospital during a difficult campaign, to help boost morale. With his entourage in tow he went up to the soldier lying in the first bed. He hoped for a good photo shoot of himself showing compassion for a wounded warrior swathed in heroic bloody bandages, but the soldier appeared unharmed.

General: what's wrong with you soldier?
Soldier: VD sir.
G: Oh. Er, what's the treatment for that?
S: Take the pills and scrub the affected area twice a day sir.
G: And what's your ambition son?
S: To fight for King and country sir.
G: Top Man! Carry on.

The general moved on to the soldier in the next bed, feeling slightly bemused. This soldier also looked unwounded.

G: What's wrong with you soldier?
S: VD sir.
G: [ thinks: what? again? ]. And what's the treatment for that?
S: Take the pills and scrub the affected area twice a day sir.
G: And what is your ambition?
S: to fight bravely for my sovereign sir.
G: Splendid fellow.

He then moved on to the third soldier, who yet again looked unwounded.

G: [ now slightly worried ] and what's wrong with you soldier?
S: sore gums sir.
G: [ relieved ] And what is the treatment for that?
S: take the pills and scrub the affected area twice a day sir.
G: And what is your ambition?
S: to get the scrubbing brush before the other two do sir.

 

[Majimoto]

View attachment 195698

Very appropriate!

 

[SammyQ]

A general decided to visit a field hospital during a difficult campaign, to help boost morale. With his entourage in tow he went up to the soldier lying in the first bed. He hoped for a good photo shoot of himself showing compassion for a wounded warrior swathed in heroic bloody bandages, but the soldier appeared unharmed.

General: what's wrong with you soldier?
Soldier: VD sir.
G: Oh. Er, what's the treatment for that?
S: Take the pills and scrub the affected area twice a day sir.
G: And what's your ambition son?
S: To fight for King and country sir.
G: Top Man! Carry on.

The general moved on to the soldier in the next bed, feeling slightly bemused. This soldier also looked unwounded.

G: What's wrong with you soldier?
S: VD sir.
G: [ thinks: what? again? ]. And what's the treatment for that?
S: Take the pills and scrub the affected area twice a day sir.
G: And what is your ambition?
S: to fight bravely for my sovereign sir.
G: Splendid fellow.

He then moved on to the third soldier, who yet again looked unwounded.

G: [ now slightly worried ] and what's wrong with you soldier?
S: sore gums sir.
G: [ relieved ] And what is the treatment for that?
S: take the pills and scrub the affected area twice a day sir.
G: And what is your ambition?
S: to get the scrubbing brush before the other two do sir.

Very much in the Spike Mulligan style. Read "Adolf Hitler - sympathise his downfall" for more, e.g..the circumcision story...

 

[Tris]

Very much in the Spike Mulligan style. Read "Adolf Hitler - sympathise his downfall" for more, e.g..the circumcision story...

That's the oddest autocorrect for a while