Joke Thread 5

[Jaco]

Random Facts

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.

 

[Ozi]

Number One Idiot
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control centre.
Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants.
I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.
She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.


Number Two Idiot
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s.
They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home.
Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Westpac Rescue Helicopter coming towards them.
It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.
They are no longer employed at Boeing.


Number Three Idiot
A man, wanting to rob a Bank of Queensland, walked into the Branch and wrote 'Put all your muny in this bag.'
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window.
So he left the Bank and crossed the street to the NAB Bank.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the teller.
She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbour,
told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of Queensland deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a NAB deposit slip or go back to Bank of Queensland.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at the Bank of Queensland. Happened in Noosa!


Number Four Idiot
A guy walked into a small corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer.
After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.
He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, 'Because I don't believe you are over 21.'
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him.
At this point, the robber took his driver's licence out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag.
The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that she got off the licence.
They arrested the robber two hours later.


Number Five Idiot
A pair of robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!'
When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.


Number Six Idiot
Seems this bloke wanted some beer pretty badly..
He decided that he'd just throw a brick through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.
So he lifted the brick and heaved it over his head at the window.
The brick bounced back knocking him unconscious.
It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglass...
The whole event was caught on videotape.. Perth WA ...


IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local McDonalds and ordered a burger.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg..
Happened in Surfers Paradise !!!


IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
''Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened in Melbourne ...


JUST AN IDIOT:
When my husband and I arrived at a car dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know - I already done that side.'

I read this in a New Zealand news paper years ago.

A drunk man tried to rob a local off license, it's in a small remote place where he was well known.

Walks in with a gun demanding booze, the owner knowing him well and knowing the police are hours away said something like help yourself and walked out shutting the till as he went.

Our hero has a few drinks then thinking he would also like some cash tried to open the till, finding it locked tried to shoot said lock to open the draw, bullet ricocheted and took off his big toe.

Few more drinks presumably to kill the pain, thinks I'm not being beaten by that till and the second ricochet hits his other foot.

Arrested some time later hobbling down the road.

 

[Thingybob]

Must of been a detour they have all turned back on to this road today

 

[Cordy]

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady. 'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly. 'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?' 'Ninety-eight.' she replied.

'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: 'I've outlived the b*tches.'

 

[Doug B]

 

[Vulcan]

Keep safe out there people.

 

[Vulcan]

 

[Vulcan]

Henry the VIII?

 

[Jaco]

An assortment of facts that will only take you five minutes to read. In this week's edition, it's "Words we learned in 2024" (brought to you by dictionary.com)

Bed rotting noun. The practice of spending many hours in bed during the day, often with snacks or an electronic device, as a voluntary retreat from activity or stress. The ick noun. A sudden feeling of disgust or dislike, often in response to the actions of another person. Barbiecore noun. An aesthetic or style featuring playful pink outfits, accessories, decor, etc., celebrating and modeled on the wardrobe of the Barbie doll. Greedflation noun. a rise in prices, rents, or the like, that is not due to market pressure or any other factor organic to the economy, but is caused by corporate executives or boards of directors, property owners, etc., solely to increase profits that are already healthy or excessive. Enshittification noun. The gradual degradation of an online platform or service’s functionality, as part of a cycle in which the platform or service first offers benefits to users to attract them, then pursues more and more profits at the expense of users. Brainrot noun/verb. A slang term used to describe the effects of being “perpetually online” and consuming large amounts of low-value internet content. The term, which can be used as both a noun and verb, is also used to describe an intense and often obsessive preoccupation with a particular topic, such as a TV show, movie, fandom, or idea. Nepo baby noun. A notable or powerful person, such as a celebrity or politician, with a parent who is also notable or powerful, especially one whose industry connections are perceived as essential to their success.

 

[Jaco]

 

[Stan]

The engineering graduate asks:
"How can we build this?"

The physics graduate asks:
"How does it work?"

The economics graduate asks:
"What are the socioeconomic implications?"

The arts graduate asks:
"Would you like fries with that?"

 

[Cozzer]

Some interesting exchanges at Anfield this afternoon....

As the fans were queuing to get in the ground, a Man U supporter coughed up some phlegm and violently sneezed straight afterwards.
A nearby Scouser said "Not bad mate, how are you?"

 

[Sachakins]

The engineering graduate asks:
"How can we build this?"

The physics graduate asks:
"How does it work?"

The economics graduate asks:
"What are the socioeconomic implications?"

The arts graduate asks:
"Would you like fries with that?"

And the apprentice asks
WTF are the graduates doing here......

 

[Jaco]

Zen teachings

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just p*ss off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you pass wind.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14.. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse - then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

 

[Doug B]