Joke Thread 5

[Sgian Dubh]

I went to a cafe the other day, ordered my food and sat at a table already occupied by another guy. We got chatting and I discovered he was called Gary Kasparov. My food arrived and I asked Gary to pass me the salt and pepper. I still can't quite understand why it took him nearly twenty two minutes to be able to do that.

 

[Jaco]

A husband walks into 'Victoria's Secret' to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price… the more sheer, the higher the price.

Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.

 

[Jaco]

A young Blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher at a junior high school.
She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking the ball.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
"You okay?"
"Yes" he's says.
"You can go and play with the other kids you know" she says.
" It's best I stay here" he says.
" Why's that Sweetie?" says the Blonde.
The boy looks at her, incredulously and says.........



"Because I am the Goalie"

 

[Doug B]

 

[kinverkid]

 

[Jaco]

A bloke is stretchered into casualty covered in bruises and with a nine iron wrapped around his neck. After the doctor has removed the club and dressed his wounds, he asks the bloke what had happened.

"I don't rightly know, Doc, " says the bloke. "The last thing I remember was playing golf with the lady wife. She teed off and sliced the ball straight into a neighbouring field of cows. I teed up and did exactly the same. So there we were, hacking around in this cow paddock looking for our balls when one of the cows flicked its tail and I caught a flash of white. I thought, 'It can't be' but went over and lifted the cow's tail and sure enough there was a ball lodged just beneath its tail. I remember holding the tail up and calling to the wife, 'Hey! This one looks like yours' and after that everything just went blank..."

 

[Daibach]