Joke Thread 5

[dzj]

 

[Amateur]

Its a poor do when half of Scotland are bewildered at the thought of the Badenoch whiskey distillery being in charge of the Tory party.

 

[Yorkieguy]

 

[Yorkieguy]

 

[Yorkieguy]

 

[Yorkieguy]

 

[Yorkieguy]

 

[Jaco]

An assortment of facts that will take you only a minute to read.

There is no location in Britain that is more than 135 kilometres from the sea. There is a botanical garden in Britain that contains more than 100 species of toxic plants. Between them, Scotland, England, and Wales have over 6,000 islands, 136 of which are inhabited. A Welsh town holds the record for having the longest name in the world: Llanfairpwllgwyngyll-gogerychwyrndrobwlllllandysiliogogogoch. Golf was first invented in Scotland and was said to have been banned in 1457 by James the Second when he blamed it for causing troops to neglect their military training for the sport. Today it is Scotland's national sport. In ancient times, people in Wales played a medieval version of soccer called Cnapan. The game was said to have been messy and brutal and hosted up to 2,000 players at a time. Brits in the UK consume 165 million cups of tea every day. The average British person drinks 884 tea cups annually. British sausages got the name “bangers” because they were filled with water during WW1 amid food shortages. This caused them to explode when the water evaporated while they were being cooked.

 

[Doug B]

 

[Phil Pascoe]

 

[Doug B]

 

[Kittyhawk]

An assortment of facts that will take you only a minute to read.

There is no location in Britain that is more than 135 kilometres from the sea. There is a botanical garden in Britain that contains more than 100 species of toxic plants. Between them, Scotland, England, and Wales have over 6,000 islands, 136 of which are inhabited. A Welsh town holds the record for having the longest name in the world: Llanfairpwllgwyngyll-gogerychwyrndrobwlllllandysiliogogogoch. Golf was first invented in Scotland and was said to have been banned in 1457 by James the Second when he blamed it for causing troops to neglect their military training for the sport. Today it is Scotland's national sport. In ancient times, people in Wales played a medieval version of soccer called Cnapan. The game was said to have been messy and brutal and hosted up to 2,000 players at a time. Brits in the UK consume 165 million cups of tea every day. The average British person drinks 884 tea cups annually. British sausages got the name “bangers” because they were filled with water during WW1 amid food shortages. This caused them to explode when the water evaporated while they were being cooked.

Another interesting fact from an ex seafarer..
Wherever you sail in the world, you are never more than 8 miles from land.
It may be straight down, but it's still only 8 miles.

 

[Ozi]

Its a poor do when half of Scotland are bewildered at the thought of the Badenoch whiskey distillery being in charge of the Tory party.

But a bloody good idea

 

[Jaco]

Duplicate

 

[Jaco]

An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

I didn't think the chiropractor would improve my posture. But I stand corrected

I took my new girlfriend out on our first date to the ice rink, and entry was half price. She called me a cheap skate.

Studies show cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them. It's a case of in one ear and out the udder.

I used to date a girl with one leg who worked at a brewery. She was in charge of the hops.

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. I found out she was seeing someone on the side.

My wife claims I'm the cheapest person she's ever met. I'm not buying it.

A raven has 17 rigid feathers called pinions, while a crow only has 16. The difference between a raven and a crow is just a matter of a pinion.

I told my carpenter I didn't want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair.

What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up his own incision? Suture self.

 

[Jaco]

Once there were three men, Dave, John, and Sam, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died.

As they stood at the gates of heaven St. Peter came up to them and said,
"You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around heaven.

You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly."

St. Peter looked at Dave and said, "You, Dave, were a bad man.
You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat up Dodge."

Next St. Peter looked at John and said, "You, were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times.
For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota station wagon."

St. Peter finally looked at Sam, and said, "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari."

A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam’s Ferrari and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying.

"What’s wrong, Sam?" they asked. "You got the Ferrari! You are set forever!

Why so down?" Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried,

"I just saw my wife go by on a skate board."

 

[Stan]

In the US there are many law enforcement agencies. One year the president decided to have trials to find the best of the best. After some months it came down to a shortlist of three: the CIA, the FBI and the LAPD.

For the final test a rabbit was released into a forest. The mission was to recapture the rabbit. Lots were drawn to see who went first.

The CIA drew the first slot and sent a team of over a hundred agents. They bribed all the owls and placed many of the trees under covert surveillance. After three months and a cost in dollars the size of a phone number, they produced a 200-page report that concluded rabbits didn't exist.

The FBI drew the next slot. They sent a dozen agents armed with flame throwers and machine guns. The forest was razed and anything that moved was hammered with a hail of automatic fire. If there had been a rabbit in there then what the ****! It deserved everything it got.

Finally a squad car containing two officers pulled up. They trekked off into the smoking remnants of the forest and disappeared. An hour later they returned dragging a bear in handcuffs. One of the bear's eyes was swollen shut. Its nose was bleeding and it had a split lip. As it was pushed into the back of the car it was heard to say in a pleading tone: "okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit".

 

[Jaco]

A handsome - and about to become - extremely wealthy young man (when his dowager Duchess granny finally kicks the bucket) was, yet again ushered "into the presence" to be told - not for the first time by any means - that his feckless ways were definitely NOT appreciated:

"I haven't got too long before I shuffle off this mortal coil, and you're my only living relative. You know I've left everything to you in my Will, but I'm thoroughly fed up with your turning up to all my Society balls with a different girl on your arm each time. You're nearly 40 now and if you haven't presented me with at least one grandchild from a legal marital union pretty soon then I'll be forced to disinherit you":

Realising his pleasurable time was now well and truly up, he proceeded to check his little black book to select the 3 most likely candidates for marriage, calling each one to him for a briefing:

"Look darling, grandmama has made it clear that I have to marry and produce an heir pretty soon. I think you may be THE one. So just as a final check on your suitability, here's 5,000 bucks to spend just as you like. Come back and see me when you've spent it all".

Girl No. 1 came back the next day, having had a full massage, a facial, all her nails done, a completely new hairdo, a ravishing newly-released perfume, and a wonderful off the shoulder backless ball gown.

"Look what I've done to myself darling", she said, "Just to show you how much I love you. Choose me please".

Girl No 2 came back after a month, together with a driver and a delivery man. "Look darling", she said, here's a beautiful vintage Rolls-Royce, AND a fantastic new all-singing, all-dancing 3D virtual reality Netflix viewer, and a life-time membership of THE most exclusive country club. All for you, and just to show me how much I love you. Choose me".

Girl No. 3 was silent for nearly 3 months, and our hero had almost given up on her when she re-appeared. "Dearest", she said "I took your money, found the most fabulously clever investment advisor. Following his advice I invested all your money and a month later it had doubled. Further following his advice, I re-invested the new sum and now, only 3 months later, it's worth ten times the original! All to show you how much I love you dearest. Choose me".

So which one did he choose?




The answer is really obvious:








XXX the one with the big 'udders' of course !

 

[Jaco]

 

[Limey Lurker]

There is a woodwork connection...