Joke Thread 4 (closed).
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Jaco
Established Member
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light,and next to him is Johnnie on his shiny new bike.
The cop says to Johnnie,"Nice bike you got there.Did Santa bring that to you?"
Johnnie says ,"yeah."
The cop says,"Well,next year tell Santa to put a tail light on that bike."
The cop then proceeds to issue Johnnie with a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
Johnnie takes the ticket but before he rides off says,"By the way thats a nice horse you got there .Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humouring Johnnie,the cop says, "Yeah,he sure did."
Johnnie says ,"Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
.......................................................................................................................................................................................................
NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
>
>
> To the citizens of the United States of America,
> In the light of your failure to elect a President of the
> USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give
> notice of the revocation of your independence,
> effective today.
>
>
>
> Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume
> monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and
> other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
> Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP
> for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware
> that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a
> minister for America without the need for further elections.
> Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
> questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine
> whether any of you noticed.
>
>
> To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency,
> the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
> 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
> Dictionary.
> Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide.
> You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been
> pronouncing it.
> Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable
> levels. Look up "vocabulary".
> Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler
> noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable
> and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".
>
>
> 2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let
> Microsoft know on your behalf.
>
>
> 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and
> Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.
>
>
> 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English
> actors as the good guys.
>
>
> 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God
> Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1.
> We would not want you to get confused and give up half
> way through.
>
>
> 6. You should stop playing American "football". There is
> only one kind of football. What you refer to as American
> "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who
> are aware that there is a world outside your borders may
> have noticed that no one else plays "American" football.
> You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead
> play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played
> with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave
> enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is
> similar to American "football", >but does not involve
> stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
> wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are
> hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side
> by 2005.
>
>
> 7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using
> nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85%
> of you who were not aware that there is a world outside
> your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians
> have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for
> "sh*t".
>
>
> 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th
> will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be
> called "Indecisive Day".
>
>
> 9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and
> it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you
> will understand what we mean.
>
>
> 10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
>
>
> Thank you for your cooperation.
..............................................................................................................................................................................
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court. But the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into the world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children. The judge asked for his side of the story too.
After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied, "Judge, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"
...............................................................................................................................................................
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced
ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please
be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've
been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a Sales Representative
* he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services
* he was never really sure how it was supposed to
function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services
* he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just
couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing
* even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know
when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer
* he understood the basic process but wanted three years
to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art
system.
Husband #6 was from Management
* he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it
was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing
* although he had a nice product, he was never sure how
to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist
* all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist
* all he ever did was look at it.
Husband#10 was a stamp collector
* all he ever did was... God! I MISS HIM!!!!
But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the lawyer, "but, why?"
"Duh! You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get
screwed!"
The cop says to Johnnie,"Nice bike you got there.Did Santa bring that to you?"
Johnnie says ,"yeah."
The cop says,"Well,next year tell Santa to put a tail light on that bike."
The cop then proceeds to issue Johnnie with a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
Johnnie takes the ticket but before he rides off says,"By the way thats a nice horse you got there .Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humouring Johnnie,the cop says, "Yeah,he sure did."
Johnnie says ,"Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
.......................................................................................................................................................................................................
NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
>
>
> To the citizens of the United States of America,
> In the light of your failure to elect a President of the
> USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give
> notice of the revocation of your independence,
> effective today.
>
>
>
> Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume
> monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and
> other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
> Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP
> for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware
> that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a
> minister for America without the need for further elections.
> Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
> questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine
> whether any of you noticed.
>
>
> To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency,
> the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
> 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
> Dictionary.
> Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide.
> You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been
> pronouncing it.
> Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable
> levels. Look up "vocabulary".
> Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler
> noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable
> and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".
>
>
> 2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let
> Microsoft know on your behalf.
>
>
> 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and
> Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.
>
>
> 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English
> actors as the good guys.
>
>
> 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God
> Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1.
> We would not want you to get confused and give up half
> way through.
>
>
> 6. You should stop playing American "football". There is
> only one kind of football. What you refer to as American
> "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who
> are aware that there is a world outside your borders may
> have noticed that no one else plays "American" football.
> You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead
> play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played
> with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave
> enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is
> similar to American "football", >but does not involve
> stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
> wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are
> hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side
> by 2005.
>
>
> 7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using
> nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85%
> of you who were not aware that there is a world outside
> your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians
> have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for
> "sh*t".
>
>
> 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th
> will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be
> called "Indecisive Day".
>
>
> 9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and
> it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you
> will understand what we mean.
>
>
> 10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
>
>
> Thank you for your cooperation.
..............................................................................................................................................................................
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court. But the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into the world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children. The judge asked for his side of the story too.
After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied, "Judge, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"
...............................................................................................................................................................
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced
ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please
be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've
been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a Sales Representative
* he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services
* he was never really sure how it was supposed to
function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services
* he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just
couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing
* even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know
when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer
* he understood the basic process but wanted three years
to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art
system.
Husband #6 was from Management
* he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it
was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing
* although he had a nice product, he was never sure how
to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist
* all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist
* all he ever did was look at it.
Husband#10 was a stamp collector
* all he ever did was... God! I MISS HIM!!!!
But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the lawyer, "but, why?"
"Duh! You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get
screwed!"
stuart little
Established Member
TOO!
Surely you mean the "Royal we"I don't get that one.
Me and Stuart (Stuart and I) should form a club
Phil Pascoe
Established Member
Maybe there should have been an ellipsis after to?
Just applied this gender neutral app on my phone and half the UK workshop joke threads disappeared 
Please explain ??????????
Cozzer
Established Member
Afforded myself a smile at #1657..... here's my pair of ruffians, taken some years ago. Both long gone now, bless 'em. Not once did the Springer complain about his ever-heavier pal treating him as a pillow....
Doug B
Shy Tot
stuart little
Established Member
A man had lost an arm in an accident. He became very depressed at this because he loved to play golf.
One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.
As he stood on the ledge looking down, he saw a man skipping along the sidewalk, whooping and kicking up his heels. Taking another look, he also noticed that the man below had no arms at all.
While still on the ledge, he started thinking, 'What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk, so happy, and going on with his life.'
Giving up the thought of suicide, he hurried down to the sidewalk. And when he caught up with the man with no arms, he thanked him for saving his life. Because he lost one of his arms, he felt useless and was going to kill himself. He now knew he could make it with one arm if someone could go on with no arms, and be happy too.
At this, the man with no arms began dancing, whooping, and kicking up his heels again.
Curious, the man with one arm asked, "So, tell me, why are you so happy anyway?"
He said, "I'm NOT happy --- My balls itch!"
One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.
As he stood on the ledge looking down, he saw a man skipping along the sidewalk, whooping and kicking up his heels. Taking another look, he also noticed that the man below had no arms at all.
While still on the ledge, he started thinking, 'What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk, so happy, and going on with his life.'
Giving up the thought of suicide, he hurried down to the sidewalk. And when he caught up with the man with no arms, he thanked him for saving his life. Because he lost one of his arms, he felt useless and was going to kill himself. He now knew he could make it with one arm if someone could go on with no arms, and be happy too.
At this, the man with no arms began dancing, whooping, and kicking up his heels again.
Curious, the man with one arm asked, "So, tell me, why are you so happy anyway?"
He said, "I'm NOT happy --- My balls itch!"
Yorkieguy
Established Member
Here you go then.
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