niall Y
Established Member
The grammar police have prevailed
"Now God is in his heaven and all is right with the world"
Joke Thread 4 (closed).
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"Now God is in his heaven and all is right with the world"
You could of signed it with a yellow pen
Norman Boyes
Member
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- 12 Nov 2023
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Apply that to society and you get a similar result.Just applied this gender neutral app on my phone and half the UK workshop joke threads disappeared
Doug B
Shy Tot
stuart little
Established Member
Thank you Stuart who else would I have expected to answer my question?He's waiting for the balloons to drop out the vending thingy!
See, I got that one!!!
Doug B
Shy Tot
Doug B
Shy Tot
Jaco
Established Member
Declaration of war
One afternoon, Bill Clinton was sitting in his office when his telephone
rang. "Hello Mr. Clinton," a heavily accented voice says". This is Paddy
down in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that I am officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Bill replies, "This indeed is important news! Tell me, how
big is your army?"
"At this moment in time," says Paddy after a moments calculation,
"There is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Gerry and the
entire dominoes team from the pub. That makes 8!"
Bill sighs and says, "I must tell you Paddy that I have 1 million men in my
army waiting to move on my word" "OK," says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day Paddy calls back. "Right Mr. Clinton, the war
is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"
"What equipment would that be, Paddy?" Bill asks.
"Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from
the farm" Once more Bill sighs and says, "I must tell you Paddy that I have 50,000 tanks, 2000 mine layers, 10,000 armoured cars and my army has ncreased to 1 and a half million since we last spoke"
"I'll be dogged!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Right Mr. Clinton, the war is
still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've gotten out old Ted's cropsrayer with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the soccer team has joined us as well!"
Once more Bill sighs and says "I must tell you Paddy that I have 4000 bombers and 8000 high maneuverability attack planes and my military installations are
surrounded by laser guided surface to air missiles and since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million."
"Oh cripes," says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back"
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Right Mr. Clinton, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war"
"I'm very sorry to hear that," says Bill. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," says Paddy, "We've all had a chat and t'be sure, there's no way we
can cope with 2 million prisoners."
................................................................................................................................................................................................
Two dogs were at the vets surgery and struck up a conversation, the first one, a French Poodle, was complaining that it's owners were a pair of dinks and went to work every morning at 7.30 and came home at 8.00. During the day the poodle said it was locked in the bathroom and by the time the owners came home he was really desperate to defecate (thats s..t Neil!) and would rush out when the door was opened. One night the owners came home late and the poodle could not hold back any longer and left his load in the shower bay. The owners came home after a big night out and the male went to have shower, stepped on the rubbish and fell over and went through the shower screen which resulted in a trip to hospital. As a result of this explained the poodle, I am here to be put down.
Thats a bit rough said the other dog, a Bull Mastiff, my owner is a super model and every night she stands in front of a full length mirror and undresses before having a shower. There was this one night when she undressed and in front of me, a virile young male, anyway she bends over after she undressed and it was all too much and I pounced from behind.
And here you are, says the poodle, yes says the mastiff. Are you being put down too?
No says the mastiff, I'm here to have my nails clipped.
...........................................................................................................................................................................................
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reveiwed the recuer's file and called him into his office. "Mr James, your records and your heroic behaviour indicate that you are ready to go home." he said. "I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."
"Oh he didn't kill himself," Mr James replied. "I hung him up to dry."
And...
A barefoot girl bought her baby boy to the doctor and told him. "Doc, my little Paddy just cries and cries all the time. What do you think the problem is?"
Taking the baby from her, the doctor noticed a strong odour, whereupon he looked into Paddy's nappy. "Why, Mary!" he exclaimed.
"The problem is that there is at least 16pounds of yellow s..t in your sons drawers!"
"Naw, that can't be it, "the girl replied. "On the box it said "Good for babies up to 18pounds."So he's got two more to go."
And...
The tradition of putting an Angel on the top of a Christmas tree has an interesting origin, according to researchers.
It seems that Santa Claus had the Flu, his wife hadn't given him any for a week, Donner and Blitzen had an argument and weren't pulling together, and the elves were on strike
and refused to fix a runner on the sleigh.
Then, on top of that, Santa learned that Mrs Claus mother was coming to visit them.
There was a knock on the door. When the old gent opened it he saw a little Angel standing outside. "Hi Santa" piped the visitor cheerfully. I've brought your Christmas tree ,COD.
"Where should I put it?"
One afternoon, Bill Clinton was sitting in his office when his telephone
rang. "Hello Mr. Clinton," a heavily accented voice says". This is Paddy
down in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that I am officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Bill replies, "This indeed is important news! Tell me, how
big is your army?"
"At this moment in time," says Paddy after a moments calculation,
"There is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Gerry and the
entire dominoes team from the pub. That makes 8!"
Bill sighs and says, "I must tell you Paddy that I have 1 million men in my
army waiting to move on my word" "OK," says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day Paddy calls back. "Right Mr. Clinton, the war
is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"
"What equipment would that be, Paddy?" Bill asks.
"Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from
the farm" Once more Bill sighs and says, "I must tell you Paddy that I have 50,000 tanks, 2000 mine layers, 10,000 armoured cars and my army has ncreased to 1 and a half million since we last spoke"
"I'll be dogged!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Right Mr. Clinton, the war is
still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've gotten out old Ted's cropsrayer with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the soccer team has joined us as well!"
Once more Bill sighs and says "I must tell you Paddy that I have 4000 bombers and 8000 high maneuverability attack planes and my military installations are
surrounded by laser guided surface to air missiles and since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million."
"Oh cripes," says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back"
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Right Mr. Clinton, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war"
"I'm very sorry to hear that," says Bill. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," says Paddy, "We've all had a chat and t'be sure, there's no way we
can cope with 2 million prisoners."
................................................................................................................................................................................................
Two dogs were at the vets surgery and struck up a conversation, the first one, a French Poodle, was complaining that it's owners were a pair of dinks and went to work every morning at 7.30 and came home at 8.00. During the day the poodle said it was locked in the bathroom and by the time the owners came home he was really desperate to defecate (thats s..t Neil!) and would rush out when the door was opened. One night the owners came home late and the poodle could not hold back any longer and left his load in the shower bay. The owners came home after a big night out and the male went to have shower, stepped on the rubbish and fell over and went through the shower screen which resulted in a trip to hospital. As a result of this explained the poodle, I am here to be put down.
Thats a bit rough said the other dog, a Bull Mastiff, my owner is a super model and every night she stands in front of a full length mirror and undresses before having a shower. There was this one night when she undressed and in front of me, a virile young male, anyway she bends over after she undressed and it was all too much and I pounced from behind.
And here you are, says the poodle, yes says the mastiff. Are you being put down too?
No says the mastiff, I'm here to have my nails clipped.
...........................................................................................................................................................................................
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reveiwed the recuer's file and called him into his office. "Mr James, your records and your heroic behaviour indicate that you are ready to go home." he said. "I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."
"Oh he didn't kill himself," Mr James replied. "I hung him up to dry."
And...
A barefoot girl bought her baby boy to the doctor and told him. "Doc, my little Paddy just cries and cries all the time. What do you think the problem is?"
Taking the baby from her, the doctor noticed a strong odour, whereupon he looked into Paddy's nappy. "Why, Mary!" he exclaimed.
"The problem is that there is at least 16pounds of yellow s..t in your sons drawers!"
"Naw, that can't be it, "the girl replied. "On the box it said "Good for babies up to 18pounds."So he's got two more to go."
And...
The tradition of putting an Angel on the top of a Christmas tree has an interesting origin, according to researchers.
It seems that Santa Claus had the Flu, his wife hadn't given him any for a week, Donner and Blitzen had an argument and weren't pulling together, and the elves were on strike
and refused to fix a runner on the sleigh.
Then, on top of that, Santa learned that Mrs Claus mother was coming to visit them.
There was a knock on the door. When the old gent opened it he saw a little Angel standing outside. "Hi Santa" piped the visitor cheerfully. I've brought your Christmas tree ,COD.
"Where should I put it?"
stuart little
Established Member
artie
Sawdust manufacturer.
artie
Sawdust manufacturer.
Sterling work.
Good one!
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