Joke Thread 4 (closed).

[Doug B]

 

[Matress]

A Scotsman, Welsh man and an Irish man go into a pub. There's normally an English man but he was at the World Cup.

 

[stuart little]

A Scotsman, Welsh man and an Irish man go into a pub. There's normally an English man but he was at the World Cup.

What World Cup? There must be many.

 

[Phil Pascoe]

Only one of any importance. And it's not football, either.

 

[Jaco]

Celibacy Can Be A Choice​

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by certain of
life's encounters.

While attending a marriage encounter weekend, Walter and his wife Ann listened to the facilitator declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

Then, addressing the men, he asked, "Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?

Walter leaned over, touched his wife Ann's arm gently and
whispered, "White Wings, self-rising, isn't it?"

And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.

 

[Jaco]

Chalres and Camilla again....​

Subject: Charles & Camilla's Wedding Night.

>> It is reported that on their wedding night the
>>following took place: As Camilla was making last-minute
>>preparations to walk down the aisle, she found that her shoes were
>>missing. She was forced to borrow her sister's,
>> which were a bit on the small side.

>> When the day's festivities were finally over, Charles
>>and Camilla retired to their room, right next door to the Queen's
>>and Prince Philip's. As soon as Charles and Camilla were inside
>>their room, Camilla flopped on the bed
>> and said "Darling, for God's sake get these shoes off.
>>My feet are killing me."


>> The ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked the right
>>shoe with vigor, but it was stuck. "Harder!" Camilla yelled.
>>"Harder!" "I'm trying, darling!" The Prince yelled back. "It's just
>>so bloody tight!" "Come on! Give it all you've got!"

>> There was a big groan from the Prince, and then
>>Camilla
>> exclaimed, "There! That's it! Oh that feels good!, Oh
>>that feels SOoo good!"

>> In the bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince
>>Philip and said, "See? I told you, with a face like that she had to
>>still be a virgin."

>> Back in the bridal suite, Charles was trying to pry
>>off the left shoe. "Oh, my God, darling! This one's even tighter!"
>>exclaimed the heir to the throne. At which Prince Philip turned to
>>the Queen and said, "That's my boy - Once a Navy man, always a Navy
>>man!"

 

[Jaco]

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems...."Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot"."Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here." Tentatively he eases the twenty out, and then a £10 pound note appears"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?"
"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc....
Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batt er. Just out of interest, How moch was in dare den?"
The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1,990 exactly
"Ah, dat'd be roit,''says the Irishman “I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.

 

[Jaco]

An Accident Report

I am writing in response to your request for “additional information.” In block number 30 of the accident report form, I put “poor planning” as the cause for my accident. You said in your last letter that I should explain more fully. I trust that the following detail will be sufficient.

I am an amateur radio operator. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80-foot antenna tower. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought about 300 lbs. of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and materials down by hand, I decided to lower the items in a small barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the pole at the tip of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and materials into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 300 lbs. of tools.

You will note in block number 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 155 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken clavicle.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly on the rope in spite of the pain. At about the same time however, the barrel hit the ground. The bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed 20 pounds.

I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might guess, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations or my legs and lower body.

The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of tools, and fortunately only three vertebras were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind.

 

[Yojevol]

The original
It's the way you say it

 

[AES]

Thanks. "I KNEW that I knew his name" when I first read the above. But I couldn't get beyond Gerad (and thought it was probably Gerald). (I believe is was a speech he made at either Oxford or Cambridge University). I have a recording of that somewhere (on an open reel tape - !!! - but have nothing to play it on these days).

And I see from the comments attached to the YouTube clip you posted Yojevol, that "it was already 30 years old when Hoffnung stole it". (Don't know how true that is).

Thanks a great reminder of my yoff (which was already tickled by Jaco's post).

 

[niemeyjt]

sorry - just seen yojevol's link to same

 

[Doug B]

 

[kinverkid]

 

[stuart little]

The original
It's the way you say it

Andthe best!

 

[stuart little]

Thanks. "I KNEW that I knew his name" when I first read the above. But I couldn't get beyond Gerad (and thought it was probably Gerald). (I believe is was a speech he made at either Oxford or Cambridge University). I have a recording of that somewhere (on an open reel tape - !!! - but have nothing to play it on these days).

And I see from the comments attached to the YouTube clip you posted Yojevol, that "it was already 30 years old when Hoffnung stole it". (Don't know how true that is).

Thanks a great reminder of my yoff (which was already tickled by Jaco's post).

I have it on a CD + other Hoffnung 'stories'.

 

[AES]

Thanks Stuart, I must look for that CD.

 

[Doug B]

 

[Fergie 307]

The original
It's the way you say it

The bricklayers tale was my immediate thought too. Very funny.

 

[loftyhermes]

Or there's the song.

 

[stuart little]

View attachment 168232

I have one like that!