Joke Thread 4 (closed).

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Keep Taking the Medicine
Patient: It's been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable.

Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?

Patient: I sure did - the bottle
said 'keep tightly closed.'

Quick Diagnosis
Nurse: 'Doctor, Doctor the man you've just treated collapsed on the front step.
What should I do?'

Doctor: 'Turn him around so it looks like he was just arriving!'

Eating Disorder
A mother complained to her
consultant about her daughter's strange eating habits. 'All day long she lies in bed
and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?'

'Eventually,' said the
consultant, 'she will rise and shine




Doctor Makes a Pig's Ear of Operation​

Earlier this year Winston lost his ear. Luck would have it that it was replaced, with a pigs ear, by
doctors. They cut it to size and made it look more human before sewing it, invisibly, in place.

Several weeks passed before Winston felt it necessary to return to his surgeons.

When he did, Winston complained bitterly, 'Doctor, I keep hearing this noise and its doing my head in. 'The
doctor, totally unconcerned answered, 'Don't worry, its just a bit of crackling.'


Doctors and Quacks
In Britain today, there are about 50,000 practitioners of alternative
medicine, but only about 30,000 qualified doctors.



Who Pays the Medical Bill?
Hospital Medical Bill Joke

Dan arrives at the private hospital in Mérida, Yucatán, Mexico and is rushed
in quickly for surgery after his appalling car crash.

The operation goes well and, as Dan regains consciousness, he is reassured by
a nun, Sister Mary, who is waiting by his bed.

Now, Dan, you're going to be just fine,' says the nun, gently patting his
hand. 'We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here.
Are you covered by insurance?'

'No, I'm not,' Dan whispers hoarsely.

...(vidFL2)
'Then are you able to pay in cash?' persists Sister Mary.
'I'm afraid I cannot, Sister,' say Dan regretfully.

'Well now, do you have any close relatives?' Sister Mary questions sternly

'Only my sister in Puerto Vallarta,' Dan volunteers, 'But she's a humble
spinster nun, like your good self.'

'Oh, I must correct you, Dan. Nuns are not spinsters: we are married to God.'

'Wonderful,' explodes Dan happily, 'In that case, please send the bill to my
brother-in-law.'
 
  • Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.
  • I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
  • I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
  • Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.
  • Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
  • A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age.' The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well.'
  • A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
    The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.
  • A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'.
    The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'.
  • I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
  • Slept like a log last night ........ woke up in the fireplace.
  • Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.
  • Two blondes walked into a building. You'd have thought one would have seen it.
  • I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?'
    So he gave me a kite.
  • I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.
    Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
  • I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu.
    So I went, and I got it.'
HO!HO!HO!
 
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