artie
Sawdust manufacturer.
I keep them along with the old TV remotes that don't work.Don't see any old batteries, best you do it again
Joke Thread 4 (closed).
- Thread starter Noel
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Phil Pascoe
Established Member
flying haggis
Established Member
niemeyjt
Established Member
She's not an Algerian boxer, is she?
The_Yellow_Ardvark
Established Member
The_Yellow_Ardvark
Established Member
"Try not to get an erection Michael"
"My name's Ewan"
"I was talking to myself"
Doug B
Shy Tot
Jaco
Established Member
Man to boy leading a bull up a country lane:
"Where you going with that bull, sonny?"
Boy: "To service farmer Smiths cow!"
Man: "Can't your dad do that?"
Boy: "No, it has to be a bull."
-----------------------------------------------------
Food for thought:
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2 A day without sunshine is like, night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
9. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
10. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
13. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
14. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
17. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
18. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
20. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
21. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
22. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
23. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
24. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
25. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
26. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
27. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
28. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
29. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
30. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
31. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
32. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
33. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
34. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
35. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
36. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering ‘what happened?
37. Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
38. Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What retired people do
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their
days interesting.
Well for example, the other day I went into town and went to a shop in High
street.
I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a cop
writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on mate, how about giving a senior citizen
a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi
*******.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So I called him a piece of stinking dog ****.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't give a ****. I came into town by bus.
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at
my age.
…………………………………………………………………………………….
An old guy goes to see his doctor.
He says, "doctor, there's something seriously wrong with me and it's worrying me sick, can you help me."
The doctor asks him to explain the problem.
The old guy says. "Well it's like this, I'm married to a 28 year old nymphomaniac, when we wake up in the morning she wants to make love, when I come home for lunch, we make love before and after and then at night we have to make love three times before we go to sleep."
The doctor is speechless, he looks at the old guy and says, you seem to have the perfect life, every man's dreams, what can possibly be wrong with you?"
The old guy looks worriedly at the doctor and says "The thing is doctor, every time I have a w*nk, I blackout”.
………………………………………………………………………………..
"Where you going with that bull, sonny?"
Boy: "To service farmer Smiths cow!"
Man: "Can't your dad do that?"
Boy: "No, it has to be a bull."
-----------------------------------------------------
Food for thought:
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2 A day without sunshine is like, night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
9. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
10. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
13. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
14. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
17. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
18. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
20. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
21. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
22. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
23. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
24. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
25. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
26. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
27. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
28. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
29. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
30. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
31. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
32. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
33. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
34. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
35. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
36. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering ‘what happened?
37. Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
38. Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What retired people do
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their
days interesting.
Well for example, the other day I went into town and went to a shop in High
street.
I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a cop
writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on mate, how about giving a senior citizen
a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi
*******.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So I called him a piece of stinking dog ****.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't give a ****. I came into town by bus.
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at
my age.
…………………………………………………………………………………….
An old guy goes to see his doctor.
He says, "doctor, there's something seriously wrong with me and it's worrying me sick, can you help me."
The doctor asks him to explain the problem.
The old guy says. "Well it's like this, I'm married to a 28 year old nymphomaniac, when we wake up in the morning she wants to make love, when I come home for lunch, we make love before and after and then at night we have to make love three times before we go to sleep."
The doctor is speechless, he looks at the old guy and says, you seem to have the perfect life, every man's dreams, what can possibly be wrong with you?"
The old guy looks worriedly at the doctor and says "The thing is doctor, every time I have a w*nk, I blackout”.
………………………………………………………………………………..
You're of a certain age and demographic if you enjoy this one.....
Doctor, Doctor, I think I have Hermes!!
You mean Herpes...
No, no, Doctor.....I think (gulp) I 'm a .....
Carrier.
Doctor, Doctor, I think I have Hermes!!
You mean Herpes...
No, no, Doctor.....I think (gulp) I 'm a .....
Carrier.
Sounds a bit fishy to me!Go girls - love it. Hope I'll look that cool when the time comes. And that the wine will be provided, or given in exchange for the carp in my workshop
Eh?
Doug B
Shy Tot
Can't see my (Vauxhall) Nova.
stuart little
Established Member
NNAH! The Herefordshire / Welsh one. Too many chicken farms too near to it, polluting the water with 'shicken chit run-off.
stuart little
Established Member
Did you find the cat?
artie
Sawdust manufacturer.
It's probably still in mother in law's coffin.
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