Doug B
Shy Tot
Pirate humour
Joke Thread 4 (closed).
- Thread starter Noel
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A local bar was so sure that its barman was the strongest man in the Village that they offered a standing 1000 Quid bet.
The barman would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out and challenge any man to squeeze out another drop.
Weightlifters, arm wrestlers; they all tried and
lost the bet.
Then one day, a scrawny little man, (if he stood sideways you would not see him) wearing scratched glasses, a ten year old polyester suit, walked in and said
"I'd like to take on the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the barman said, "Okay"; grabbed the lemon and squeezed away.
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the Lemon Rind to the little man.
But the Crowd's laughter turned to total silence....as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon....
six drops fell into the glass.
As the barman paid the 1000 Quid bet, he asked "What do you do for a living?
Are you a lumberjack, a metal worker,
a weight-lifter, or what?"
The little man quietly replied:
I Am a
Tax man
The barman would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out and challenge any man to squeeze out another drop.
Weightlifters, arm wrestlers; they all tried and
lost the bet.
Then one day, a scrawny little man, (if he stood sideways you would not see him) wearing scratched glasses, a ten year old polyester suit, walked in and said
"I'd like to take on the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the barman said, "Okay"; grabbed the lemon and squeezed away.
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the Lemon Rind to the little man.
But the Crowd's laughter turned to total silence....as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon....
six drops fell into the glass.
As the barman paid the 1000 Quid bet, he asked "What do you do for a living?
Are you a lumberjack, a metal worker,
a weight-lifter, or what?"
The little man quietly replied:
I Am a
Tax man
woodhutt
Established Member
A bloke asks to see his doctor about a problem with his 'manhood'. The doctor isn't available so the practice nurse offers to take a look. He's reluctant and tells her he's afraid she might laugh but she assures him she's been a nurse for 15 years and there's not much she hasn't already seen.
He drops his pants to reveal something the size of a AA battery and the nurse lets out a bark of surprised laughter. She pulls herself together and apologises for the outburst and asks him what's wrong with it.
'Wrong!!' shouts the bloke. 'Call yourself a medical professional!! Can't you see how swollen it is!?'
He drops his pants to reveal something the size of a AA battery and the nurse lets out a bark of surprised laughter. She pulls herself together and apologises for the outburst and asks him what's wrong with it.
'Wrong!!' shouts the bloke. 'Call yourself a medical professional!! Can't you see how swollen it is!?'
woodhutt
Established Member
I took the wife dancing the other night. There was a bloke on the dance floor moon walking, gyrating, break dancing, the whole works.
'See that guy?' says the wife. 'Twenty five years ago he asked me to marry him and I turned him down.'
I said 'Really? Looks like he's still celebrating.'
'See that guy?' says the wife. 'Twenty five years ago he asked me to marry him and I turned him down.'
I said 'Really? Looks like he's still celebrating.'
Robbo3
Established Member
Don't ask, I don't know either.
A man walked into a pub. He went up to the bar where a big fellow was supping a beer.
"Excuse me, are you the owner of that Great Dane tied up outside?"
"Yes, why?"
"Well, I'm very sorry but my Chihuahua has just killed it", said the man.
The big fellow laughed.
"Really? You're kidding".
"No, sorry. He got stuck in its throat".
"Excuse me, are you the owner of that Great Dane tied up outside?"
"Yes, why?"
"Well, I'm very sorry but my Chihuahua has just killed it", said the man.
The big fellow laughed.
"Really? You're kidding".
"No, sorry. He got stuck in its throat".
A very charming and sensitive lady colleague of mine was quite put out when she congratulated me on a recent birthday. I had thanked her but said that at my age birthdays are just milestones on the road to death!
Doug B
Shy Tot
Alex H
Established Member
Doug B
Shy Tot
Jaco
Established Member
Marriage Jokes
Every wife is a "mistress" for her husband.
"Miss" for one hour and "stress" for the 23 hours!
Husband throwing darts at his wife's photo and not even a single one hitting the target...
From another room wife called the husband: "Honey, what are you doing?"
Husband: "Missing you badly my Love.."
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY...
Women are like phones:
They like to be held, talked to and touched often.
But push the wrong button and you're disconnected...
Difference between 'complete' and 'finish'...
People say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISH. But there is...
When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE.
And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are...COMPLETELY FINISHED!
There are 3 kinds of men in the world:
Some remain single and make wonders happen.
Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen.
The rest get married and wonder what the b***dy Hell happened!
Every wife is a "mistress" for her husband.
"Miss" for one hour and "stress" for the 23 hours!
Husband throwing darts at his wife's photo and not even a single one hitting the target...
From another room wife called the husband: "Honey, what are you doing?"
Husband: "Missing you badly my Love.."
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY...
Women are like phones:
They like to be held, talked to and touched often.
But push the wrong button and you're disconnected...
Difference between 'complete' and 'finish'...
People say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISH. But there is...
When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE.
And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are...COMPLETELY FINISHED!
There are 3 kinds of men in the world:
Some remain single and make wonders happen.
Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen.
The rest get married and wonder what the b***dy Hell happened!
Doug B
Shy Tot
Doug B
Shy Tot
Anthony Lee
New member
- Joined
- 24 Jun 2023
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- 8
A man walked into a bar and spotted a grorgeous woman. He walked up to her and said " I think we should get married."
The woman replied "But we don't know anything about each other."
The man said "It will be fun. We can learn about each other as we go along."
So they got married and went on honeymoon.
They were lying on sunbeds by the pool one day when the man got up, climbed to the highest diving board, and dived off. He did a double forward somersault followed by a triple twist and entered the water with hardly a splash.
He climbed back up to the top and did another four complicated dives. When he got back to his sunbed his wife said "That was incredible. Where did you learn to do that?"
He replied "I used to be an Olympic diver".
A few minuted later the woman got up off her sunbed, dived into the pool and swum seventy five lengths. She returned to her sunbed hardly out of breath
Her husband said "Don"t tell me you were an Olympic swimmer."
"No" she said "I was a prostitute in Liverpool. I worked both sides of the Mersey."
The woman replied "But we don't know anything about each other."
The man said "It will be fun. We can learn about each other as we go along."
So they got married and went on honeymoon.
They were lying on sunbeds by the pool one day when the man got up, climbed to the highest diving board, and dived off. He did a double forward somersault followed by a triple twist and entered the water with hardly a splash.
He climbed back up to the top and did another four complicated dives. When he got back to his sunbed his wife said "That was incredible. Where did you learn to do that?"
He replied "I used to be an Olympic diver".
A few minuted later the woman got up off her sunbed, dived into the pool and swum seventy five lengths. She returned to her sunbed hardly out of breath
Her husband said "Don"t tell me you were an Olympic swimmer."
"No" she said "I was a prostitute in Liverpool. I worked both sides of the Mersey."
Blackswanwood
Still Learning
Doug B
Shy Tot
Alex H
Established Member
- Status
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