AES
Established Member
OK Droogs. I guess "something's better than nothing", but smell's an important one too). Will that improve as time goes by?
Another Joke
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Droogs
Not the Sharpest Moderator in the box
AES that last comment was an attempted witty call back to previous post.
All the way through treatment the funny thing was I could smell things just not really taste them unless they were sweet or highly spiced, then they tasted like an ashtray otherwise everything tasted meh
All the way through treatment the funny thing was I could smell things just not really taste them unless they were sweet or highly spiced, then they tasted like an ashtray otherwise everything tasted meh
AES
Established Member
Ok mate, sorry, I didn't get it. "GuteBesserung" all the same.
AES
Established Member
OK, here goes, an E-mail my wife just got from a German girlfriend (translated by me), and PLEASE NOTE, NIL OFFENCE INTENDED TO ANYONE:
"Due to the sensitive nature of current the ethnic origins and skin-colour debate, the Government has decided that the Black Forest will, on all official publications, henceforth be referred as "The Forest of the most Extensive Form of Skin Pigmentation".
Well I thought it was quite amusing anyway.
"Due to the sensitive nature of current the ethnic origins and skin-colour debate, the Government has decided that the Black Forest will, on all official publications, henceforth be referred as "The Forest of the most Extensive Form of Skin Pigmentation".
Well I thought it was quite amusing anyway.
gregmcateer
Established Member
As you were good- spirited with my childish joke earlier, I'll let you have that one. (Heads up, though - offence isn't meant or given, it's either taken or perceived. If we tell a joke from a position of privilege with no offence intended, it can still give offence - here endeth the lesson)
AES
Established Member
Grammatical correction accepted Gregmcateer.
guineafowl21
Established Member
I love these ones.
Magnetic inspection torch: For testing pupil reactions and visual memory by briefly illuminating work area, then dropping down so as to shine directly into your eyes.
Coping saw: Shows the user the deterministic nature of life by creeping inexorably towards and past the marked line, regardless of how you try to prevent it.
Cheap thicknesser: Adds a decorative dip to each side of the only piece of wood you have for the job. When used in combination with...
...Dust extractor: creates a wall of noise that makes people wait outside the workshop, who would otherwise come straight in and bother you.
Dovetail saw: For elaborately creating kindling by sawing down the good side of the marked line.
guineafowl21
Established Member
Glue rag: For the removal of excess glue from joints, and subsequent transfer to hands, jumper, trouser leg, tool handles, and the back end of the dog which sits on it.
guineafowl21
Established Member
Air chisel: For ensuring the total buggeration of bolt heads that were previously only partially buggered.
flying haggis
Established Member
Pour a measure of whisky, gin or rum into a glass.
Then see if you can smell it.
If you can smell it,
and if you can taste it it's reasonable to assume,
You are currently free of the virus?
I tested myself nine times last night and was covid free each time,
thank goodness
I will test myself today because I have now developed a headache.
Which can also be a symptom.
I have to say I came across this cure quite by chance, and it actually works.
Then see if you can smell it.
If you can smell it,
and if you can taste it it's reasonable to assume,
You are currently free of the virus?
I tested myself nine times last night and was covid free each time,
thank goodness
I will test myself today because I have now developed a headache.
Which can also be a symptom.
I have to say I came across this cure quite by chance, and it actually works.
Robbo3
Established Member
Her Diary :
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.
We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, "Nothing". I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you too."
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with the silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later he came to bed but I felt that he was still distracted and his thoughts were somwhere else.
He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
His Diary :
Motorcycle won't start .... can't figure out why.
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.
We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, "Nothing". I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you too."
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with the silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later he came to bed but I felt that he was still distracted and his thoughts were somwhere else.
He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
His Diary :
Motorcycle won't start .... can't figure out why.
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education than any Jock cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!! Glasgow cop says, “Licence and registration, please.” London Lawyer says, “What for?”
Glasgow cop says, “Ye dinnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.” London Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”
Glasgow cop says, “Ye still dinnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please”
London Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”
Glasgow cop says, “The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that’s the law, Licence and registration, please!” London Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.” Glasgow cop says, “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.”
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living sh*t out of the lawyer and says, “Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?”
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!! Glasgow cop says, “Licence and registration, please.” London Lawyer says, “What for?”
Glasgow cop says, “Ye dinnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.” London Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”
Glasgow cop says, “Ye still dinnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please”
London Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”
Glasgow cop says, “The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that’s the law, Licence and registration, please!” London Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.” Glasgow cop says, “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.”
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living sh*t out of the lawyer and says, “Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?”
Robbo3
Established Member
Dating in the 60's
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960, and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.
'Have a seat in the living room.. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? tea?'
'Tea, please,' Fred said. Mum brought the tea.
'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked.
'Oh, probably watch a film, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the milk bar, maybe take a walk on the beach.'
'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mum informed him.
'Really?' Fred replied; eyebrows raised.
'Oh yes,' mother continued, 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!'
'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous.
'Yes,' said the mother.
'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'
'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.
A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail.
She greeted Fred.
'Have fun, kids!' mother said as they left.
Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.
'The Twist, Mum!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. 'The bloody dance is called the Twist!'
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960, and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.
'Have a seat in the living room.. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? tea?'
'Tea, please,' Fred said. Mum brought the tea.
'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked.
'Oh, probably watch a film, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the milk bar, maybe take a walk on the beach.'
'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mum informed him.
'Really?' Fred replied; eyebrows raised.
'Oh yes,' mother continued, 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!'
'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous.
'Yes,' said the mother.
'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'
'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.
A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail.
She greeted Fred.
'Have fun, kids!' mother said as they left.
Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.
'The Twist, Mum!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. 'The bloody dance is called the Twist!'
Englishman, Irish man and Scotsman in a psychology lesson.
Teacher asks Englishman what's opposite of joy? He says sorrow.
He asks Scotsman what's opposite of depression? He says happiness.
He asks Paddy what's the opposite of woe?
He says giddy up.
Teacher asks Englishman what's opposite of joy? He says sorrow.
He asks Scotsman what's opposite of depression? He says happiness.
He asks Paddy what's the opposite of woe?
He says giddy up.
Robbo3
Established Member
Jewish Samurai
There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief.
A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.
The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half.
The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a
matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces.
The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"
Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.
The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?"
The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill."
There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief.
A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.
The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half.
The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a
matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces.
The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"
Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.
The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?"
The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill."
I volounteered to take part in the testing for the Russian coronavirus vaccine. I got my first shot today. So far I have никаких странных реакций или симптомов, кроме небольшого дефекта речи и тяги к водке!
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