Another Joke

[Robbo3]

Travel

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.
Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

 

[flying haggis]

 

[flying haggis]

 

[Robbo3]

A conversation in heaven

SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.

WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

SYLVIA: I froze to death.

WANDA: How horrible!

SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

SYLVIA: So, what happened?

WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

 

[Just4Fun]

What a wonderful thing google translate is!!

hmmm ... maybe not so wonderful.

I have started to get spam emails in Russian. Either a weird coincidence or this was somehow triggered by me using Google translate to create my half-Russian joke. It would be interesting to know if anyone who used Google translate to understand the joke experience the same thing.

 

[Boringgeoff]

I used Google translate for your joke, but no interference from the Russians yet.

 

[flying haggis]

When Gene Pitney died it took 3 days to make an oak coffin.















it would have been only 24 hours from balsa.

 

[flying haggis]

There was an explosion at the pie factory.



The blast could be heard 3.142 miles away.

 

[Terry - Somerset]

I like this thread much more than the social distancing one!

 

[Droogs]

We need a groan emoji

 

[Robbo3]

A philosopher, a mathematician and an silly person were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven where St Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to ****."

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snap of his finger a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to ****!" With another snap of his finger the philsopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to ****!" With another snap of his finger the mathematician disappeared, too.

The silly person then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The silly person then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"

The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."

"Wrong," said the silly person, "it's from my *******." And the silly person went to Heaven.

 

[Steliz]

 

[Cordy]

BREAKING NEWS:
Seven dinghies packed with refugees arrived on a beach at Weston-Super-Mare this morning.

Government sources said they are being returned to Wales immediately.

 

[Benchwayze]

A rabbi a priest and a vicar walked into a pub. 'What's this', said the licensee, 'Some kind of joke?'

John

 

[Bm101]

A rabbit, a priest and a vicar walked into a pub. 'What's this', said the licensee, 'Some kind of typo?'

 

[Benchwayze]

No. Some kind of rubbish dictation app. I give up using this phone for posting.

 

[Bm101]

Read my one again BW.

 

[Benchwayze]

Uhhmmmm! Oh dear! See what you mean !

 

[Benchwayze]

As far as I can see Rabbi can be written with one 'b' or two. Another Anglo-American/ism. This pesky app keeps auto correcting words it doesn't know.

John

 

[Phil Pascoe]

A comment after an article on sex toys in the Times -
My wife tried to buy a large tartan design vibrator from a sex shop but the manager said "I'm sorry that's my thermos flask".