Jokes

[Pip]

Paddy: "I've never been lucky in Love, I've been married twice and both of my Wives died !"

Murphy: "What happened ?"

Paddy: "My first wife died from eating poisoned mushrooms"

Murphy: "...that's terrible, and the second ?"

Paddy: "The second died from a fractured Skull"

Murphy: "How did she get that ?"

Paddy: "She wouldn't eat her Mushrooms !"

 

[Pip]

The school bus arrived back at the depot after its afternoon run dropping children off. The driver, as usual, began to make an inspection in case any children had left bags or coats or anything behind. As he made his way to the top deck he could hear sobbing coming from upstairs and as he reached the last step he could see a little boy with his head in his hands.
He approached the little fellow and quietly said, “Now then son, what’s the matter?”
The boy raised his head and said, “I’ve lost my little green ball.”
“Well, when did you last have it,” said the driver.
“A few minutes ago,” said the boy, “I was playing with it and it fell out of my hand and now I can’t find it,” and he resumed his crying.
“OK. That’s no problem. I’ll help you look for it,” and with that the two of them began to search the bus from top to bottom.
After some considerable time they had still not found the ball so the driver puts his arm around the boy’s shoulders and says, “I’m sorry son, we’ve looked everywhere but there’s just no trace of your little green ball. Maybe it has rolled off when the doors were open.”
“Th…that’s OK,” said the lad who was still quite tearful, and as he stuck his finger up his nose he said, “I’ll just have to roll another one.”

 

[Pip]

A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his cows frozen solid.
As far as the eye can see the cows, are motionless like statues.
It had been a bitterly cold night, but he'd never thought anything like this would happen.
The realisation of the situation then dawned on him.
With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage?
He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his impending poverty
Just then, an elderly woman walked by, 'What's the matter?' asked the old lady.
The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman
Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud.
One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals
The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed
She declined his offer and walked off across the field.

A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer.
'You know who that was don't you?' asked the passer-by
'No' said the farmer 'who?'







Wait for it!!















'That was Thora Hird.'

I'll shut the door behind me
pip

 

[BradNaylor]

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

My favourite snooker one is the classic by Ted Lowe;

'Fred Davis, too old now to get his leg over, uses his left hand instead!'

 

[Blister]

Theres the one from many years ago , when colour TV first arrived

Snooker again

" He now needs the last red , for those watching in black and white , Its the one behind the blue "

 

[BradNaylor]

Or the cricket one from the seventies when Peter Willey played for England against a West Indian team featuring Michael Holding.

The commentator (John Arlott I think) couldn't resist it;

The batsman's Holding...

...the bowler's Willey.

 

[Woodmagnet]

Lillee, caught Dilley, bowled Willey.
I think it was that anyway. :lol:

 

[Travis Byrne]

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.

And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT...Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried t o take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table $239.99

Hot Breakfast $4.20

Two Aspirins $.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time...PRICELESS

 

[NickWelford]

Or the cricket one from the seventies when Peter Willey played for England against a West Indian team featuring Michael Holding.

The commentator (John Arlott I think) couldn't resist it;

The batsman's Holding...

...the bowler's Willey.

Brian Johnston, IIRC. (According to Henry Blofeld, that is)

 

[Pip]

1. LOG ON: Makin a wood stove hotter.

2. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.

3. MONITOR: Keepin an eye on the wood stove.

4. DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk.

5. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gettin the farwood.

6. FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood.

7. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.

8. HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time.

9. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.

10. WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it's cold outside.

11. SCREEN: Whut to shut wen it's blak fly season.

12. BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.

13. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.

14. MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag.

15. MODEM: Whut cha did to the hay fields.

16. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife.

17. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.

18. KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys.

19. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs.

20. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.

21. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.

22. PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine

23. ENTER: Northerner talk fer "C'mon in y'all"

24. RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: Wen ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks.

25. MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole

 

[Pip]

Two London businessmen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store.
As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Yorkshireman walked to the window, had a peek and in a broad Yorkshire accent asked, "What tha sellin' 'ere then?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ar5eholes"
Without skipping a beat, the Yorkshireman said, "Thas doing well, Thas only got two left!"

 

[soundaz]

The Reason Why I Fired My Secretary

Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say “Happy Birthday,” and probably have a present for me.

She didn't even say “Good Morning,” alone any “Happy Birthday.” I thought, “Well, that's wives for you. Maybe the children will remember.”

The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, “Good morning boss, Happy Birthday.” And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.

I worked until noon. Then Janet knocked on my door and said, “You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me.” I said, “By George, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go.”

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, “You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?” I said, “No, I guess not.” She said, “Let's go to my apartment.” After arriving at her apartment she said, “Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.”

“Sure,” I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. All were singing “Happy Birthday” and there on the couch I sat... naked.

 

[RogerM]

My favourite cricketing story was told by Freddy Truman on Parkinson quite a few years ago, and he swore that it was true because he was there. It involved Joel Garner, the West Indian fast bowler, who at 6ft 9ins is the tallest player ever to have played test Cricket.

Apparantly when he was playing for Somerset the players attended a Corporate Hospitality event to raise funds for the club. A young woman sidled up to him and said "Hey Mr Garner - just how tall are you?"

"six foot nine ma'm".

"Wow that's really tall." and then with a mischievous giggle. " and is everything about you in the same proportion?"

Quick as a flash Garner replied "No ma'm. Otherwise I'd be nine foot two!"

 

[Russell]

When Tony Blair left Downing Street, Mrs B put a sealed letter addressed to Gordon Brown on the kitchen table.

Gordon came skipping in, saw the envelope and opened it. It contained one sheet of paper, on which he saw written the following characters:

370H-SSV-0773H

"Jings" said he, and sent it to GCHQ. Several days later, a minion came round:

"Err, excuse me, Prime Minister, but we think you were holding the paper upside down".

 

[Slim]

:lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[Pip]

A couple of mates, (Jimmy Norfolk and Andy Good), decided to go into show bizz as a comedy duo, unfortunately they didn't get much exposure and audiences were very small, I think it may have had something to do with their billing,
NORFOLK 'n GOOD.

 

[Russell]

A elderly couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says,"I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98, the Hilton charges $239, we do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medibank."



But Wait, there's MORE!!



The love story of Ralph and Edna.

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his
bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

 

[Digit]

A Jewish business man is attending a dinner when the guest to his left admires his wristwatch.
The business man lifts his arm and smiles sadly.
'Yes,' he agreed, 'It's beauty isn't it? It belonged to a very dear friend of mine who died recently.'
The guest commiserated as the business man went on.
'I heard the end was near so I went along to pay my respects and to sit with him for a while. Then he turned to me and said, "Abram my boy, I know you've always liked my watch, so the time is now," and he took the watch from his wrist......and sold it to me!'
The guest looked very embarrassed and the business man just smiled.
'Actually it was the only time I got the better of him in a deal........I gave him a cheque!'

Roy.

 

[Russell]

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Morris about enlarging her tiny breasts.

Dr. Morris advised her, "Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say,

"Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger ****ies."

She did this faithfully for several months and it worked!

She grew terrific D-cup ****s!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

Frightened she might lose her lovely ****s if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said,

"Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger ****ies."

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked, "Are you, by any chance, a patient of Dr. Morris?”

"Why, yes I am . . . . .

How did you know?"

He leaned closer, winked and whispered,

" Hickory dickory doc.........

 

[Digit]

A man appears before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St.Peter wants to know.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the man suggested. 'On a trip to the Black Hills of South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I shouted, 'Now, leave her, or I'll kick the **** out of all of you!'
St. Peter looks impressed. 'When did all this happen?'
'Couple of minutes ago.'

Roy.