Joke Thread III

[The_Yellow_Ardvark]

 

[woodhutt]

A young bloke is stacking shelves in the supermarket when a woman comes up to him and asks, 'Where's the broccoli?'
'Sorry lady,' he says. 'We're out of broccoli but we'll have more in tomorrow.'
He carries on stacking but a few minutes later she's back demanding, 'Where's the broccoli?'
He sighs, but grits his teeth and once more tells her they're out of broccoli and she should try again tomorrow. Then he carries on stacking until a few minutes later she's back again, shouting, 'Where's the damn broccoli!?'
He takes a deep breath to calm himself and says, 'Look lady. Will you just answer a few questions for me?'
She frowns but agrees and he asks her, 'How do you spell cat, as in catastrophic?'
'C.A.T.' she says giving him a puzzled look.
'And how do you spell dog as in dogmatic?'
'D.O.G. of course,' she says.
'Now how do you spell flame as in broccoli?'
'There is no flame in broccoli,' she says, triumphantly.
'THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!' he shouts.

 

[Doug B]

 

[woodhutt]

A shy young girl gets a job at a pharmacy and on her first day, the boss says he has to go out for a couple of hours and will she be OK looking after the place alone.
She admits that she's a bit nervous of anyone coming in and asking for condoms but the pharmacist tells her it's no problem. 'I've got a system with my regulars,' he explains. 'If they ask for 310 it means they want a pack of three size small, 320 is medium and 330 is large. The word condom isn't even mentioned.'
She's relieved and is coping well until a black guy enters, walks up to the counter and says, '350, please.'
She panics, excuses herself and rushes out the back and calls her boss on his mobile. She explains the situation and asks what she should do.
'Calm down,' says her boss. 'You say he's a black guy, is he carrying a bucket?'
She peers around the door and confirms that he is indeed carrying a bucket.
'Well go back in there and give him 3 pounds fifty. He's the window cleaner.'

 

[Sachakins]

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.
I woke this morning with a huge correction.



The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers .......
So I did.... she's 21 and her name's Lucy

 

[Blackswanwood]

 

[Doug B]

 

[stuart little]

A young bloke is stacking shelves in the supermarket when a woman comes up to him and asks, 'Where's the broccoli?'
'Sorry lady,' he says. 'We're out of broccoli but we'll have more in tomorrow.'
He carries on stacking but a few minutes later she's back demanding, 'Where's the broccoli?'
He sighs, but grits his teeth and once more tells her they're out of broccoli and she should try again tomorrow. Then he carries on stacking until a few minutes later she's back again, shouting, 'Where's the damn broccoli!?'
He takes a deep breath to calm himself and says, 'Look lady. Will you just answer a few questions for me?'
She frowns but agrees and he asks her, 'How do you spell cat, as in catastrophic?'
'C.A.T.' she says giving him a puzzled look.
'And how do you spell dog as in dogmatic?'
'D.O.G. of course,' she says.
'Now how do you spell flame as in broccoli?'
'There is no flame in broccoli,' she says, triumphantly.
'THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!' he shouts.

Last time I heard this there was; "No eff in cod!"

 

[John Brown]

First time I heard it, it was "No 'f' in Camembert".

My Geordie friend is fond of saying "There's no 'r' in grass".

 

[Keith Cocker]

 

[Yojevol]

A shy young girl gets a job at a pharmacy and on her first day, the boss says he has to go out for a couple of hours and will she be OK looking after the place alone.
She admits that she's a bit nervous of anyone coming in and asking for condoms but the pharmacist tells her it's no problem. 'I've got a system with my regulars,' he explains. 'If they ask for 310 it means they want a pack of three size small, 320 is medium and 330 is large. The word condom isn't even mentioned.'
She's relieved and is coping well until a black guy enters, walks up to the counter and says, '350, please.'
She panics, excuses herself and rushes out the back and calls her boss on his mobile. She explains the situation and asks what she should do.
'Calm down,' says her boss. 'You say he's a black guy, is he carrying a bucket?'
She peers around the door and confirms that he is indeed carrying a bucket.
'Well go back in there and give him 3 pounds fifty. He's the window cleaner.'

Reminds me of my daughter's early experience at her Saturday job in Boots.
A lady comes sheepishly up to the counter and asks for condoms. 'Certainly madam, what size?' OMG replies the lady, 'I didn't know they came in different sizes'. No, no, no madam, what size packet, a pack of 5 or a pack of 10? Relieved, the customer says that a pack of 5 should be sufficient for the weekend. True story.
Brian

 

[Phil Pascoe]

First time I heard it, it was "No 'f' in Camembert".

My Geordie friend is fond of saying "There's no 'r' in grass".

No 'f' in fish, either.

 

[Doug B]

 

[dzj]

 

[Stan]

A condom manufacturer decided that they needed an advertising gimmick, so they decided to do away with the traditional packets of three.

For various religious groups they sold them in sixes, marked "Monday", "Tuesday", "Wednesday" etc, missing out the particular day according to the holy day of the group the pack was aimed at.

For Frenchmen the packs were sold in nines, marked "Monday", "Tuesday", "Wednesday", "Thursday", "Friday", "Saturday", "Saturday", "Sunday", "Sunday".

For Englishmen, they were sold in twelves!
Packs were marked "January", "February"....

 

[AES]

Reminds me of my daughter's early experience at her Saturday job in Boots.
A lady comes sheepishly up to the counter and asks for condoms. 'Certainly madam, what size?' OMG replies the lady, 'I didn't know they came in different sizes'. No, no, no madam, what size packet, a pack of 5 or a pack of 10? Relieved, the customer says that a pack of 5 should be sufficient for the weekend. True story.
Brian

Originally that joke was for a new assistant in chemist "Timothy Whites" (IF you go that far back):

"Sorry Madam, we don't stock those. Have you tried Boots?"

"Yes" replies Madam "but it keeps seeping out of the lace holes".

(Sorry - hat .......... coat ....)

 

[J-G]

"Timothy Whites" (IF you go that far back):

Certainly do - - - - I worked for them on the 'Photography' counter for a number of years.

In line with the thread, I remember very clearly during my first week there, a young lady asked me for a "Packet of Rendells" - I had no idea what she was talking about and had to be 'rescued' by an even younger young lady assistant who knew that due to the photography counter being at the front of the shop these 'Female Contraceptives' were kept there to make it less traumatic for the customer to venture deep into the store!

 

[Doug B]

 

[woodhutt]

Originally that joke was for a new assistant in chemist "Timothy Whites" (IF you go that far back):

"Sorry Madam, we don't stock those. Have you tried Boots?"

"Yes" replies Madam "but it keeps seeping out of the lace holes".

(Sorry - hat .......... coat ....)

Or,

Customer: Í need some rat poison.'
Assistant: 'Sorry, we don't stock that. Have you tried Boots?'
Customer: 'I want to poison them, not kick them to death.'

 

[John Brown]

Customer to chemist "Do you keep talcum powder?"
Chemist "Certainly, sir, walk this way". Customer "If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need talcum powder".