Joke Thread II

[Alex H]

 

[smugdruggler]

View attachment 146954

Are we allowed to groan?

 

[Phill05]

You may Groan if you want to or even Scream if you want to but will it do any good No

 

[Yorkieguy]

'Paraprosdokian sentences'. (See footnote): Ø I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. Ø Do not argue with an *****. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. Ø I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. Ø Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. Ø The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list. Ø Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. Ø If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong. Ø We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. Ø War does not determine who is right - only who is left. Ø Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. Ø The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. Ø Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. Ø To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. Ø A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a workstation. Ø How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? Ø Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs. Ø Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish. Ø I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks. Ø A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it. Ø Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says: "In an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". Ø I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. Ø Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? Ø Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. Ø Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ? Ø Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. Ø A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. Ø You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. Ø The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas! Ø Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. Ø A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. Ø Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were. Ø I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot. Ø Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go. Ø There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away. Ø When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. Ø You're never too old to learn something stupid. Ø To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. Ø Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever. Ø A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it. Ø If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child? Ø Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Footnote: A paraprosdokian (from Greek "παρα-", meaning "beyond" and "προσδοκία", meaning "expectation") is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists. Some paraprosdokians not only change the meaning of an early phrase, but also play on the double meaning of a particular word, creating a syllepsis. So now you know.

 

[Yorkieguy]

 

[Doug B]

 

[Yorkieguy]

 

[Fidget]

My girlfriend invited me to her house, but when I arrived, only her incredibly beautiful sister was there, standing just inside the screen door, naked.
She looked me up and down in a slow and sexy way, then whispered “We should make love before my sister comes back. She won’t be here for another couple of hours.”
I immediately turned and almost ran back to my car. Imagine my surprise when I found my girlfriend leaning against it. She hugged me sweetly and said “You’ve won my trust. Not many men could resist an invitation like that from my sister.”

Moral of the story:

Always keep your condoms in your vehicle.

 

[dzj]

 

[Rene Mopper]

 

[flying haggis]

 

[Jaco]

A woman sends a text to her husband; "Honey, don't forget to buy loaf of bread on the way home from work,
and your girlfriend Valerie greets you."

Husband: Who is Valerie?

Wife: Nobody, I just wanted you to answer to confirm that you got my text.

Husband: But I'm with Valerie right now, I thought you saw me?

Wife: What??!, Where are you??

Husband: Near the bakery.

Wife: What?? I'm coming right now!!

After about 5 minutes, the wife sends a message.

Wife: I'm at the bakery, where are you???

Husband: I'm at work. Now that you're at the bakery, buy the bread. XX

 

[Jaco]

Jokes

 

[Doug B]

 

[flying haggis]

 

[smugdruggler]

View attachment 147089

This is far too near to the truth nowadays

 

[DRC]

View attachment 147089

That is so true of so many GP surgeries, how did they fit in so many patients before Covid? https://instagram.com/dougsworkshop/

 

[Doug B]

 

[Robbo3]

 

[dzj]