Joke Thread II

[user 38384]

 

[Thingybob]

You're a very bad man

Oh no hes not hes a very naughty boy

 

[JimJay]

Oh no hes not hes a very naughty boy

I've heard that before - my housemaster spent many fruitless years trying to beat it out of me.......

 

[Majimoto]

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted twenty dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

"Are you Nuts!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing, and hunting."

 

[Yorkieguy]

 

[user 38384]

 

[Vann]

View attachment 141484

Oh, that's very sweet Caroline...

Cheers, Vann.

 

[gwaithcoed]

I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

Alan.

 

[Pedronicus]

 

[Doug B]

 

[Yorkieguy]

 

[gwaithcoed]

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother".

Alan

 

[niemeyjt]

My attempt to combine nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes made me a laughing stock

 

[Yorkieguy]

 

[dzj]

 

[Doug B]

 

[Alex H]

 

[Alex H]

 

[Alex H]

 

[Pedronicus]