Joke Thread II
- Thread starter JBaz
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Tris
What am I doing here?
And the screwdriver has every bit except the one you want
artie
Sawdust manufacturer.
For what?
Compared to when I was a kid, flies appear to be extinct.
Tris
What am I doing here?
Sticky flies of course!
Jean Harlow and Margot Fonteyn were on an ocean liner crossing the Atlantic. During their frequent conversations Harlow kept insulting Fonteyn by calling her "my dear Margott".
After a while Fonteyn retorted,
"My dear Jean, the 't' in 'Margot' is silent, as in 'Harlow'".
After a while Fonteyn retorted,
"My dear Jean, the 't' in 'Margot' is silent, as in 'Harlow'".
Tris
What am I doing here?
When I was 15 I thought my father didn't have a clue about life, by the time I was 21 I was amazed how much he'd learnt 
Cozzer
Established Member
Just spent £200 hiring a limousine and discovered the fee doesn't include a driver.
I can't believe I've spent all that money and I've nothing to chauffeur it...
I can't believe I've spent all that money and I've nothing to chauffeur it...
Bigegg
Established Member
Got my sister with this today:
What's the difference between a rhino, and a Zippo?
A rhino is really heavy, and a Zippo is a little lighter
What's the difference between a rhino, and a Zippo?
A rhino is really heavy, and a Zippo is a little lighter
Phil Pascoe
Established Member
“When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”When I was 15 I thought my father didn't have a clue about life, by the time I was 21 I was amazed how much he'd learnt
― Mark Twain
Phil Pascoe
Established Member
My favourite Indian is a chicken tarka - it's like a chicken tikka but it's a little otter.
Tris
What am I doing here?
Busted! 
Phil Pascoe
Established Member
Kittyhawk
Established Member
A true story.
In 1969 I passed my exam and with a brand new mate's foreign going ticket got a job as second officer on a research ship.
We spent most of our time in the southern ocean so the ship was part of the NOAA weather reporting network-this of course before the days of weather satellites. The rear wall of the charthouse was covered with associated weather instruments-a spring mounted barograph so sensitive it would measure pressure variations as ship rose and fell over ocean swells, anemometers, thermometers for air and sea water temperatures etc. This information was encoded together with sea state conditions and the ships course and speed and transmitted via SSB to the nearest shore station every 4 hours by the watch officer.
So I got a brief explanation from the captain about what and how to do it all, in fact a very brief explanation, the sort of explanation a man gives to a person he assumes is smarter than they actually are.
In the middle of all this weather instrumentation was a little brass plate with the inscription 'Wind on Tuesday.' So of course I wondered what about the wind on Tuesday? Was there something special I needed to transmit on Tuesday? For days I worried about that sign and didn't want to ask and appear stupid.
And just as well as I finally realised that the little sign was directly over the gimballed box that housed the ship's chronometer.
In 1969 I passed my exam and with a brand new mate's foreign going ticket got a job as second officer on a research ship.
We spent most of our time in the southern ocean so the ship was part of the NOAA weather reporting network-this of course before the days of weather satellites. The rear wall of the charthouse was covered with associated weather instruments-a spring mounted barograph so sensitive it would measure pressure variations as ship rose and fell over ocean swells, anemometers, thermometers for air and sea water temperatures etc. This information was encoded together with sea state conditions and the ships course and speed and transmitted via SSB to the nearest shore station every 4 hours by the watch officer.
So I got a brief explanation from the captain about what and how to do it all, in fact a very brief explanation, the sort of explanation a man gives to a person he assumes is smarter than they actually are.
In the middle of all this weather instrumentation was a little brass plate with the inscription 'Wind on Tuesday.' So of course I wondered what about the wind on Tuesday? Was there something special I needed to transmit on Tuesday? For days I worried about that sign and didn't want to ask and appear stupid.
And just as well as I finally realised that the little sign was directly over the gimballed box that housed the ship's chronometer.
user 38384
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niemeyjt
Established Member
For the first time in ages, I went to the church.
The priest bends down, puts his hands on my head and exclaims in a loud voice:
"YOU WILL WALK!"
I replied: "But I don't have any muscle or motor skills problems"!
He ignored my remark and said in a louder voice:
"YOU'RE GOING TO WALK!"
I tried again to explain to him that I have no problem with my lower limbs, but in vain!
He repeated even more loudly:
"YOU'RE GOING TO WALK!!!"
After the service, I went out and he was absolutely right. My car had been stolen.
The priest bends down, puts his hands on my head and exclaims in a loud voice:
"YOU WILL WALK!"
I replied: "But I don't have any muscle or motor skills problems"!
He ignored my remark and said in a louder voice:
"YOU'RE GOING TO WALK!"
I tried again to explain to him that I have no problem with my lower limbs, but in vain!
He repeated even more loudly:
"YOU'RE GOING TO WALK!!!"
After the service, I went out and he was absolutely right. My car had been stolen.
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