Joke Thread 4

[Ozi]

FORD - fix or repair daily.
LOTUS - lots of trouble, usually serious.

Daewoo - Despair awaits everybody who owns one

 

[artie]

View attachment 183504

What's the problem?

He's just delivering a bridge.

 

[Jaco]

Dr. Oliver Gogarty had a way of testing his patients about his diagnoses.
When he was once consulted by a man who thought he was going deaf, the good doctor told him, "This is a case of excessive nervousness showing it psychosomatic form of deafness. Now I happen to know that gambling, alcohol and sex stimulate a majority of people.
"Ah, now, what are you drivin' at, doc?"
"You'll have to," said Dr. Gogarty, "give up poker, whiskey and sex."
"Are you crazy, doctor," bellowed the patient. "just for a little hearing??"


Brendan Behan, late Irish author, was the soul of courtesy, but there were times when he could give back as good as he got.
Brendan and a friend were emerging from the Long Hall in Dublin during the Christmas season, and Brendan had the misfortune to bump into a lady laden with parcels, the result being to scatter her parcels all over the pavement.
Brendan promptly stooped to recover them from among the feet of the passers-by and restore them to her arms, but her ladyship's temper was not satisfied.
"I'd have you know," she declared angrily, "that my husband's a detective, and, if he was here, he'd take ye!"
This was too much for Brendan, who after all had done his best. "Ma'am," said he, "I don't doubt it for a second. If he took you, he'd take anything."


Brendan Behan told the story of how he got a job in London with a street repair gang. The first job he went to they were down in a hole singing Happy Birthday around the foreman.
"Is it the foreman's birthday?" asked Brendan.
"No, Brendan. It's the third anniversary of the hole."

 

[Phil Pascoe]

What's the problem?

He's just delivering a bridge.

That one was the frame next to that one that I posted.

 

[Jaco]

Elderly Scot lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.


With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?


Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon ......


'pipper off,' she said, 'they're for the funeral.'

To grow old is mandatory, growing up is optional.

 

[Jaco]

Sean is the vicar of a Protestant parish in Dublin and Patrick is the priest at the Roman Catholic Church across the road.
One day they are seen together, erecting a sign which says:

"THE END IS NEAR.
TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW
BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE."


As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells,
"Leave people alone, you religious nutters. We don't need your lectures."

From around the next curve they hear screeching tyres and a big splash.

Shaking his head, Father Patrick says "Dat's da terd one dis morning’."
"Yaa," Sean agrees, then adds, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should just say ….

"BRIDGE CLOSED"?

 

[Jaco]

 

[Doug B]

 

[Majimoto]

View attachment 183550

That's my mam,- and it has been photoshopped?

 

[RobinBHM]

 

[RobinBHM]

Red bull gives you wings

 

[RobinBHM]

 

[RobinBHM]

 

[Phil Pascoe]

 

[Phil Pascoe]

 

[Phil Pascoe]

 

[Just4Fun]

This photo is out of date. In the most recent round of cutbacks the bloke from Poland was made redundant.

 

[Distinterior]

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.
As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, " Well, I've spent my whole life breaking horses, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, working on tractors and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy"
She said " I'm a Lesbian....I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, i think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think about women"

The two of them then sat sipping their drinks in silence......

A little while later, another man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked " Are you a real cowboy? "
He replied, ...."I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a Lesbian"

 

[Phil Pascoe]

Akin to Jethro - what part of Lesbania are you from?

 

[dzj]