Joke Thread 4 (closed).

Jaco · 16 Jun 2024

Man goes to the doctor, drops his trousers to reveal a lettuce leaf sticking out of his bottom.
Doctor: "How very odd."
Man: "Yes, and that is only the tip of the iceburg!"
_________

Did you hear about the guy who died by a drain?
It was sewer side.

........

Jaco · 16 Jun 2024

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly.
She says, “What's the story?”
He replies, “Just crap in the carburetor.”
She asks, “How often do I have to do that?”

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her driver’s license.
She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together!
Just yesterday they took my license away and now today you expect me to show it to you?”

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body
hurt wherever she touched it.
“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.”
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed,
she pushed her elbow and screamed even more.
She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, “You're not really a redhead, are you?”
“Well, no,” she said, “I'm actually a blonde.”
“I thought so,” the doctor said, “Your finger is broken.”

KNITTING
A Highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window,
turned on his bullhorn and yelled, “PULL OVER!”
“NO!” the blonde yelled back, “IT'S A SCARF!”

BLONDE ON TIME
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,
and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named “Rolex” and one was named “Timex”.
Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?”
“Helllooooo...! ,” answered the blonde. “They're watch dogs.”

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
In the swim-meet, after the blond came in last competing in the breast-stroke,
she complained to the judges that all the other girls were using their arms.

Jaco · 16 Jun 2024

Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory, being
sized up by God. "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not
sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously
helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world,
and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something
I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where
you want to go!" Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the
difference between the two?" God said, "I'm willing to let you visit
both places briefly if it will help you make a decision." "Fine, but
where should I go first? God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you."
Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell.

It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were
thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water,
laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature
was perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God. "If
this is Hell, I
REALLY want to see Heaven!" "Fine," said God, and off they went.

Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about
playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think
I prefer Hell" he told God. "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So
Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see
how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill
shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He
was being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going,
Bill?" God asked. Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and
disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't
believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the
beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

God smiled & said "That was the screen saver".

Jaco · 16 Jun 2024

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.

They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well."

Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying.

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard..

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died."!

Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy.

Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims,

"Miles, from Dublin."