Another Joke

[bushwhaker]

My granddad always used to say, "As one door closes another one opens". Lovely man. And terrible cabinet maker.

 

[Robbo3]

After spending a night in a very upmarket hotel, a businessman found he had been badly bitten by bedbugs.

Extremely angry he wrote to the hotel's chief executive and received a letter personally signed by the top man himself.

He said that never in the hotel's history had such a thing happened and after apologising profusely, he said he hoped the enclosed cheque for £50 would make amends for any inconvenience caused.

The man was both placated & delighted and showed his wife the letter.

As he did so a slip of paper tumbled out of the envelope. It was a message from the chief executive to his secretary.

It read: Janet, send this guy the usual bug letter.

 

[Droogs]

Amazing US election documentry here:

 

[Garno]

Today, a feminist asked me how I viewed lesbians,

Apparently, "In HD" wasn't the right answer.

 

[Vann]

Q: Why isn't Trump allowed back into the White House?

A: It's for biden.

Cheers, Vann.

 

[flying haggis]

 

[bushwhaker]

Octopus Fact:
The male argonaut octopus is in danger of being eaten by females, so instead of mounting his mate he will literally rip his ***** off and throw it at the female so she can inseminate on her own.
Which is simply the most fantastic "go f*** yourself" ever.
...

 

[Droogs]

rediscovered this Scottish classic from yesteryear. Surely the 2nd funniest man aft the Big Yin

 

[Phil Pascoe]

I remember listening to Billy Connolly on one of his first LPs in the mid '70s (when his accent was really Scottish). I remember his telling how he went home from a party at 15 with a lovebite and telling his father he'd fallen down the stairs and landed on a pair of false teeth someone had thrown away. Oh, and being on the bus through Drumchapel sitting behind a man in a duffel coat and throwing up into his hood- the chap then got off the bus in the rain and pulled the hood up.

 

[Doug B]

 

[Doug B]

 

[loftyhermes]

 

[flying haggis]

 

[Doug B]

 

[Linus]

 

[Robbo3]

Computer Virus

Symptoms:


Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.

Causes you to send a blank e-mail.

Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.

Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.

Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.

Causes you to hit SEND before you've finished.

Causes you to hit DELETE when you want to SEND.

Causes you to hit SEND when you should DELETE.



It is called the C-NILE VIRUS.

 

[AES]

Jewish, Italian and Irish Grandparents and a few facts*

*The Jewish Elbow...*
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is
coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There
is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will
buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with
your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your
elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my
elbow? ........

"What . .. . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"
_______________________________________________

*Wise Italian Grandfather*

An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his
bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome
plated ..38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex
watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna
have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of
bambinos. "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with
another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times
up!' "?
____________________________________________________

*Irish blonde...*

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed
a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of
the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the
dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new
clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes!
I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and
her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I
don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,
..... but all men...

are men!
____________________________________________________

*Global Facts About Sex*

At any given moment:

FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old person is reading emails and/or UKW!

You hang in there, sunshine!

 

[Benchwayze]

Hang on! I hear someone calling from upstairs. Be back later.

John

 

[Doug B]

 

[Doug B]

I smiled a bit too much when I was sent this this morning & got asked by senior management what I found so funny