Another Joke

[sammy.se]

Stolen from woodhaven forum (and most likely stolen from somewhere before that):

TOOLS EXPLAINED

DRILL PRESS : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t'
ANGLE GRINDER : A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
MOLE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirely for setting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..
TABLE SAW : A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST : A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR : A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50p part.
HOSE CUTTER : A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
STANLEY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
ADJUSTABLE SPANNER: aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench". Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted knuckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.
******* TOOL : Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling '*******' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Any more to add?
My one would be:

TROWEL: the thing you use while plastering to turn a 90% good smooth surface into an 80% good surface, through constantly reworking to get it better, and then making it worse by 10% each time before giving up and deciding to use filler and sandpaper tomorrow.

Sent from my SM-G973F using Tapatalk

 

[Fidget]

If you have to wear a mask and you wear glasses you may be entitled to condensation

 

[Robbo3]

The following are regrettably phrased classified ads that have been placed in newspapers throughout the world.


"Buy your new bedroom suite from us, and we will stand behind it for six months."
"Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel."
"2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess."
"Washing machine: free to good home."
"No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent."
"Great Dames for sale."
"Lost Cocktail."
"Free Yorkshire Terrier. 8 yeards old. Hateful little dog."
"German Shepherd 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free."
"Free ducks. You catch."
"1 man, 7 woman hot tub -- $850/offer"
"Amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed."
"Snow blower for sale...only used on snowy days."
"2 wire mesh butchering gloves: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15"
"For sale: Lee Majors (6 Million Dollar Man) - $50"
"Shakespeare's Pizza - Free Chopsticks"
"Hummels - largest selection ever. 'If it's in stock, we have it!'"
"Georgia peaches, California grown - 89 cents lb."
"Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour."
"Vacation Special: have your home exterminated."
"Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours."
"Carpal Tunnel Syndrome - Free Sample!"
"Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast."
"Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it."
"This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens."
"Wanted. Hunting rifle, suitable for teenagers."
"Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop."
"Christmas tag sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person."
"Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential."
"Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty."
"Mother's helper -- peasant working conditions."
"A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms."
"Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00."
"Government employer looking for candidates. Criminal background required."
"His and hers bicycles, $25 each or both for $55."
"For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers."
"Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too."
"Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory."
"We'll move you worldwide throughout the country."
"We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand."
"Tattoos done while you wait."
"Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it."
"Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children."
"If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachaise Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin."
"Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else."
"Stock up and save. Limit: one."
"For Rent: 6-room hated apartment."
"Wanted to buy: fishing net, must have no holes."
"TO LET: 4 bedroom house close to town. No poets."
"This house has been fully insulted."
"Man, honest. Will take anything."
"Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!"
"Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink."
"3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred."
"Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included."
"Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops."
"Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again."
"Illiterate? Write today for free help."
"Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary."
"Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating."
"Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale."
"And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience."
"We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00."

 

[AES]

At their regular morning meeting in the White House the other day, one of Trump's senior staff tells that he'd had a wonderful dream the previous night.

"Oh yeah?" says Trump, "Tell us about it."

"Well Mr. President" says staffer, "there was this HUGE parade all the way through Washington. It was brilliant, just great, the happiest event ever. There were thousands and thousands of men, women and children all lining the route just waiting to see you pass by - no, correction, it wasn't just thousands, it must have been millions even!"

"And it was so joyful, with everybody smiling and laughing and waving, the best marching show bands ever, so much happiness, and with ticker tape coming down all over, confetti, and balloons just everywhere. It was just great Mr. President, quite the best celebration that's ever been seen in Washington - ever!"

"Yeah?" says Donald. "Tell me, how did I look? How was my tan? And was my hair properly waved?

"Ah that I can't say Sir, sorry", said the dreamer.




"You see, your casket was sealed."

 

[Robbo3]

Dr. Smith's Prescriptions

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr Smith about enlarging her breasts Dr Smith advised her,
'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger ****ies!'

She did this faithfully for several months!

To her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup ****s!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.
Frightened she might lose her lovely ****s if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood up in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby doobie, doobies, I want bigger ****ies.'

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked, 'Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. Smith’s?

'Yes I am... How did you know?'

He winked and replied, " Hickory dickory dock "

 

[AES]

At the Gates of Heaven

The day came when all three former US Presidents - George W. Bush, Barrak Obama, and Donald Trump died.

Being somewhat "special" people, God arranged with St. Peter that instead of the normal St. Peter's greetings and questions at the Pearly Gates, God would handle it all himself, sitting at the gates complete with Throne.

The called day came and all three presented themselves in front of God.

"Tell me young George" asks God. "What do you believe in?"

"Well Sir, I believe that world peace should be achieved through completely free trade everywhere - a truly level playing field for all." answers George W.

"Very good" says God. "We need plenty of that up here. Come and stand on my left hand side.


Next God asks "And what about you Barrak? What do you believe in?"

"Sir" answers Obama "I believe that world peace must be achieved through completely eliminating poverty, so that regardless of colour or creed, everyone in the world has enough to eat and can have free medical care."

"Great" says God. "We need all that up here too. Come and stand on my right hand side."


"Now. What about you Donald?" asks God. "What do you believe?"

Without a pause Trump answers ............




......... "I believe you're sitting in my throne. Your fired!"

 

[flying haggis]

Greeks -vs- Italians
A Greek and an Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture.
The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon."

The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek says, "We had great mathematicians."

The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on for hours, until finally the Greek lights up and says...

"We invented sex."

The Italian nods slowly and thinks, then replies, "That is true -- but it was Italians who introduced it to women."

 

[Trainee neophyte]

Greeks -vs- Italians
A Greek and an Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture.
The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon."

The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek says, "We had great mathematicians."

The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on for hours, until finally the Greek lights up and says...

"We invented sex."

The Italian nods slowly and thinks, then replies, "That is true -- but it was Italians who introduced it to women."

I have tried telling this joke to all my Greek neighbours, but for some reason they don't find it funny. I don't know why not.

 

[Hollow]

Today i was mugged by six dwarves. Not happy.

 

[flying haggis]

are you grumpy?

 

[Trainee neophyte]

are you grumpy?

Hopefully not Sneezy.

 

[Hollow]

At least doc is around

 

[Bm101]

Some years back I was sat in my local. The Shortlands Tavern. Not much cop as a local in general but it had a great crowd. I'm still in touch occasionaly with many now. Years later.
Anyway.
It's winterish. Afternoon. Two dwarfs walk in. No. Really. Ok. About ten minutes later 3 more. My mate Aiden the chippy: Hello. All we need now is two more and F*******g SnowWhite! (Arf)
As he he says it.Literally! As he says it. And I'm not making this up I absolutely promise. Two more dwarfs turn up with a cracking looking 21ish year old woman of normal height.

Now
They sat in groups not altogether.
We get talking and they are doing the panto at Churchill Gardens (the local theatre) just up the hill.
I'm not even making this up.

Me and my mate Aiden the kitchen fitter ended up getting afternoon plastered with Snowwhite and the seven dwarves.

Sorry. Not a joke as such but we had a great afternoon. And a possibly messy evening. Time fades the details but I would have rolled home.
Luckily it was 6 doors away. 8)

 

[Just4Fun]

I also have a "true dwarf story". I was at a hotel restaurant for lunch and just about every other customer was a dwarf. Amazing number of them. I commented on it to one of the staff and she explained that it was some sort of conference or convention which they hold at that hotel every year. I said something like "good business for you then". and she said it was great but they always ran out of high chairs :lol: . I am still not sure if she was joking.

 

[Turnr77]

A school for blind children is returning by coach from a day trip to the beach with two male teachers.
As they near the journey end one teacher asks the other, "were earlier getting back than we expected, theres a good pub just coming up do you fancy stopping for a pint?"
The other teacher replies "it would be great but we cant take the kids in there can we?"
" It'll be fine this pub has a huge garden, we can get them some cans of coke, and we've got their football with the bell inside they can have a kick about with"

So they stop at the pub, get the kids some drinks and leave them kicking the ball around whilst they go inside for a drink. They are only halfway through their pints when the landlord comes over "hey are you two in charge of those blind kids out there?" He asks.
they confirm they are indeed, "well" says the landlord "you'd better go and sort them out, they're kicking the f@## out of the Morris Dancers!"

 

[Garno]

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Nancy to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support my wife.. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Jim, died suddenly last month of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, the club's head first, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. Nancy was arrested and charged with murder.

The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her NOT GUILTY, accepting her defense that Jim, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

 

[zacharia nicholson]

Did you hear the joke about the toilet?


Nevermind, its too dirty.

 

[Cordy]

A missionary is treading the dangerous jungle...
He's been walking for weeks and has suffered mosquitoes, mud slides, leeches, dysentery and of course the unbearable heat and humidity.

He's exhausted but in a few days he'll reach his destination.
Suddenly, a huge tiger leaps up from the bushes right in front of him.
Tiger is clearly hungry and approaches him menacingly. The missionary is at the limit of his reserves and if he tries to run he'll surely be mauled.

Without hesitation he drops on his knees and places his life in the hands of God:
"Oh Lord! Give this tiger Christian values!" he exclaims, hoping the tiger will choose to not commit violence.

The clouds shift, a ray of light falls on the tiger which immediately kneels exclaiming:

"For what we are about to receive -- Thank You Lord!"

 

[BHwoodworking]

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt.
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.

 

[Garno]

A man is driving down the road

and breaks down near a monastery....
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says,
"My car broke down.

Do you think I could stay the night?"



The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner,

and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep,

he hears a strange sound;

a sound like no other that he has ever heard.




The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was,

but they say,
"We can't tell you because you're not a monk."



The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway

and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down



in front of the same monastery.



The monks again accept him, feed him,

and even fix his car..



That night,





he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that

he had heard years earlier.



The next morning, he asks what the sound was,

but the monks reply,
"We can't tell you because you're not a monk."


The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was

is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"




The monks reply,
"You must travel the Earth and tell us

how many blades of grass there are

and the exact number of sand pebbles.

When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."


The man sets about his task.

Some forty-five years later,

he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says,

"I have travelled the Earth

and devoted my life to the task demanded

and have found what you had asked for.

There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass

and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.



The monks reply,
"Congratulations, you are correct,

and you are now considered a monk.
We shall now show you the way to the sound."


The monks lead the man to a wooden door,

where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.


The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He asks, "May I have the key?"


The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.


Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone....
The man requests the key to the stone door.


The monks give him the key, and he opens it,

only to find a door made of ruby..



He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.

Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.

And so it went on

until the man had gone through doors of emerald,.....


.....silver, topaz, and amethyst.



Finally, the monks say, "This is the key to the last door."




The man is relieved to be at the end.

He unlocks the door, turns the knob,

and behind that door

he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound.
It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight ............









..... But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.




DON'T SWEAR AT ME;


I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE mongrel WHO STARTED THIS!