Another Joke

[Garno]

I was sitting at the computer the other day,
Drafting my will, and I called out to my wife,

WHEN I DIE,
I'M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU,
MY LOVE!"

She shouted back,

"YOU ALREADY DO, YOU LAZY B**TARD!"

 

[Garno]

FAKE NEWS???


A little girl was leaning into a lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, all under the eyes of her screaming parents.

A biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I've seen a man do in my whole life."

The Harley rider replies, "Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."

The reporter says, "Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?"

The biker replies "I'm a U.S. Marine, a Republican and I voted for Trump".

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

** U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT & STEALS HIS LUNCH. **

And THAT pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.

 

[Trevanion]

Asked someone for a price on a couple of sheets of plywood today...

"How much would two sheets of plywood cost?"

"More than one, less than three"

....

:roll:

 

[Cheshirechappie]

Asked someone for a price on a couple of sheets of plywood today...

"How much would two sheets of plywood cost?"

"More than one, less than three"

....

:roll:

Where you talking to a politician by any chance?

That's a perfect politician's answer. Completely accurate, but tells you absolutely nothing you didn't already know.

 

[John Brown]

Politician? Completely accurate?
What parallel universe do you hail from?

 

[Cheshirechappie]

I said it was a "perfect polician's answer*", not a "run of the mill politician's answer".

* For the avoidance of doubt, the word 'perfect' applies to the answer, not the politician. The other way round would indeed be a silly concept.

 

[Mr_Pea]

A lot of people talking about Megxit but no mention of Harryverderci

 

[whiskywill]

Paddy (the Welsh one) was in the shower when Murphy called out 'Paddy did you find the shampoo?
Paddy replied 'Yes, but it's no good to me. It's for dry hair and I've just wet mine.'

 

[sammy.se]

Wooden motorbike

Sent from my SM-G973F using Tapatalk

 

[Raymond UK]

To the person who stole my glasses. I will find you. I have contacts.

 

[Cheshirechappie]

I was joining a dual carriageway from the slip road recently at night, and the cat's eyes at the junction caught my attention. A bit of googling later, and I found this on Wikipedia;

"The inventor of cat's eyes was Percy Shaw of Boothtown, Halifax, West Yorkshire, England. When the tram-lines were removed in the nearby suburb of Ambler Thorn, he realised that he had been using the polished strips of steel to navigate at night. The name "cat's eye" comes from Shaw's inspiration for the device: the eyeshine reflecting from the eyes of a cat. In 1934, he patented his invention (patents Nos. 436,290 and 457,536), and on 15 March 1935, founded Reflecting Roadstuds Limited in Halifax to manufacture the items. The name Catseye is their trademark."

It occurred to me that it was a good job the cat was facing Mr Shaw when inspiration struck. Had it been walking away he might well have invented the pencil sharpener instead.

 

[nev]

To whoever stole my anti-depressants, I hope you're happy now!

 

[John15]

A guy takes his mother-in-law to Madame Tusauds. They are in the chamber of horrors when the manager comes up and says to the guy 'keep her moving please, we're stocktaking'.

John

 

[John Brown]

I was joining a dual carriageway from the slip road recently at night, and the cat's eyes at the junction caught my attention. A bit of googling later, and I found this on Wikipedia;

"The inventor of cat's eyes was Percy Shaw of Boothtown, Halifax, West Yorkshire, England. When the tram-lines were removed in the nearby suburb of Ambler Thorn, he realised that he had been using the polished strips of steel to navigate at night. The name "cat's eye" comes from Shaw's inspiration for the device: the eyeshine reflecting from the eyes of a cat. In 1934, he patented his invention (patents Nos. 436,290 and 457,536), and on 15 March 1935, founded Reflecting Roadstuds Limited in Halifax to manufacture the items. The name Catseye is their trademark."

It occurred to me that it was a good job the cat was facing Mr Shaw when inspiration struck. Had it been walking away he might well have invented the pencil sharpener instead.

Originally, I believe, said by the late, great Humph on ISIHAC.

 

[Cheshirechappie]

Originally, I believe, said by the late, great Humph on ISIHAC.

Nope. Sir Ken Dodd. Well, that's who I heard it from, anyway.

 

[John Brown]

You may well be right. I first heard it from Humph, but I'm aware that he didn't write all his own jokes.

 

[treeturner123]

I think the Diddy Men wrote most of them!!!!

 

[Cordy]

Never do a runner from an Ethiopian restaurant......

 

[Cordy]

Friend; What you doing for work these days ?

Me; I cook meals for the homeless, drug addicts, people with addictions to gambling and alcohol. That sort of thing.

Friend; So, charity work ?

Me; No Wetherspoons....

 

[Raymond UK]

I asked the wife "How come this loaf of bread has your name on it?" She said "Where?" I pointed "There! Ooops, sorry, my mistake. It says Thick CUT".

:shock: