Another Joke

[sammy.se]

Did you hear that Oxygen and Magnesium were dating ??

OMG!

 

[finneyb]

Quickie in the Bushes

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude
woman.. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred
years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single
gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a
hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for
thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the
shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing..
The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care
to do it again?' He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes,
let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down
and you s*** on its head.'
----------AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????

 

[Dezzy]

brilliant

 

[Dezzy]

I only found this site trying to obtain a manual and now I cant stop laughing

 

[Robbo3]

A little boy goes to his father and asks, "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers, "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.
There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: "You got male!"

--------
The inventor of predictive text died today.
His funfair is on Sundial.

------------
A guy is watching his neighbor running out to the mailbox; she opened and shut it and went back inside. Five minutes later he saw her do the same thing; opened and shut the mailbox and went back inside. This continued for about an hour. Finally he asked her, "What are you doing?" She looked at him and simply stated "My computer said I HAVE MAIL"!!!

-------

 

[Robbo3]

Email Addresses

Many colleges and businesses tend to strip the last name down to 6 characters and add the first and last initial to either the beginning or end to make up an E-Mail address. For example, Mary L. Ferguson = mlfergus or fergusml. They are just now beginning to realize the problems that may happen when you have a large and diverse pool of people to choose from.

Add to that a large database of company/college Acronyms and you have some very funny addresses. Probably not funny to the individual involved, nonetheless:

Actual E-mail Addresses

1. Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys "R" Us) - [email protected]

2. Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division, Overton Canada) - [email protected]

3. Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) - [email protected]

4. Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) - [email protected]

5. Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating) - [email protected]

6. Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) - [email protected]

7. Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) - [email protected]

8. George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.) - [email protected]

9. Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University) - [email protected]

10. Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) - [email protected]

--
Domain Names

1. IT Scrap - Itscrap.com
2. Who Represents? - Whorepresents.com
3. Pen Island - Penisland.net
4. Experts Exchange - Expertsexchange.com
5. Speed Of Art - Speedofart.com
6. North Of Boston Jewish Singles - Nobjs.org
7. Go Tahoe North - Gotahoenorth.com
8. Les Bocages - Lesbocages.com
9. American Scrap Metal - Americanscrapmetal.com
10. Master Bait Online - Masterbaitonline.com
11. Therapist In a Box - Therapistinabox.com
12. Analemma Society - Analemma.org
13. Therapist Finder - Therapistfinder.com
14. Winters Express - Wintersexpress.com
15. Swiss BitSwissbit.ch
16. Dickson Web - Dicksonweb.com (now redirected to dicksondata.com)
17. Therapist - Therapist.com
18. Budget Cook Island - Budget.co.ck
19. MP3s Hits - Mp3shits.com
20. Kids Exchange - Kidsexchange.net
21. Choose Spain - Choosespain.com
22. Ben Dover - Bendover.com
23. Bitef Art Cafe - Bitefartcafe.rs
24. Powergen Italia - Powergenitalia.com (accessible only via the Wayback Machine)
25. Cumbria Storage Systems - Cumstore.co.uk (accessible only via the Wayback Machine)
26. Teachers Talking - Teacherstalking.org
27. La Drape - Ladrape.com
28. Children’s Wear - Childrenswear.co.uk
29. Mole Station Nursery - Molestationnursery.com (now redirected to molerivernursery.com)
30. Old Man’s Haven - Oldmanshaven.com

 

[Suffolkboy]

That reminds me of the twitter hashtag for Susan Boyle's first album release party.

#susanalbumparty

 

[Garno]

A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment.
She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf.
Medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf.
And huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears,
She is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
But doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and after awhile, she finds herself thinking,
'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.
He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds.
And he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom.
Where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion,
More creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes,
And says: 'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.'

 

[Cordy]

I was outside my shop selling Lion, the witch, and the wardrobe memorabilia.

A bloke walking by asked me what I was doing.


I told him it's Narnia business.

 

[Phil Pascoe]

That's my wife's nickname, Narnia. She has the hair of a lion, the face of a witch and the body of a wardrobe.

 

[CHJ]

That's my wife's nickname, Narnia. She has the hair of a lion, the face of a witch and the body of a wardrobe.

Will she be with you on the 8th. Sept. we could leave a welcome poster for her at the entrance. :twisted:

 

[Garno]

That's my wife's nickname, Narnia. She has the hair of a lion, the face of a witch and the body of a wardrobe.

Look likes Phil will be sleeping in his spare room this weekend

 

[Robbo3]

Nelson at Trafalgar 2011

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): “ England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledygook is this for God's sake?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting “ England " past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier- free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case................... Kiss me, Hardy."

 

[Cordy]

I've always fancied having a go at Bell Ringing

So I became a Jehovah's Witness.

 

[Turnr77]

A man loses his Penis in an Industrial Accident. He wakes up in the hospital the next day. Upon hearing the news that the organ was unsalvagable the man was devastated.

"Doc, is there nothing you can do?"

The doctor explains that conventional medicine can do nothing for him. However, he adds, there is an experimental treatment. The man quickly assures the doctor that he will try anything. The doctor tells him the operation must coincide with the death of a baby elephant. The doctor explains that the musculature of an infant elephants trunk is very similar to that of a penis and that research shows a transplant may be possible. So the man returns home to await the call that they have a trunk on ice.

Several months pass and the man is miserable. He tells the doctor his confidence is gone, he never goes out, he's missing too much work and drinking too much. The doctor consoles him as best he can until finally the day comes. The man awakes after surgery to see the surgeons smiling face. The operation was a success. After months of difficult physical therapy the man has regained his confidence. To celebrate he asks a woman to accompany him to a fine restaurant. They meet in the bar and all is going well over drinks and small talk. They proceed to their table and the waiter comes to take their order. Before he leaves for the kitchen he places a basket of dinner rolls on the table. Suddenly the man's penis bursts through his zipper, flops onto the table, grabs a dinner roll and disappears back into his trousers. The woman is flabbergasted and says "that was amazing! Can you do it again?

The man replies "probably, but I don't think I can fit another dinner roll up my @rse."

 

[Turnr77]

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm
mad.
He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down and shouts I'M A LIGHTBULB
I'M A LIGHTBULB Murphy watches in amazement.
The Foreman shouts Paddy you're mad, go home so he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
Where the **** are you going? asks the Foreman.
I can't work in the friggin dark says Murphy.

 

[Turnr77]

A man walks into a pub with an octopus and says to the barman "if my octopus can play a musical instrument of your choice can I have a free pint". The barman looks bemused but thinks there is no way an octopus could play an instrument and with that he points to the piano and says go on then. The octopus plays the most complicated piece perfectly and the man with a massive smile asks for his pint.
He says to the barman, "if he can play another instrument of your choice can I have another pint", the barman thinks it was a bit of a fluke and a piano was easy for all those arms so points to a guitar. The octopus picks it up and plays like hendrix and the man gets his pints.
The theme continues and the octopus plays the drums, harp and any instrument put in front of, the man continues to get his pints but the barman is determined not to be beaten. Finally the barman points to some bagpipes and he says go on then. The octopus picks them up and studies them for half an hour but still no noise, the barman declares victory and the man goes to his octopus and asks what the he'll was going on, you've never failed to play anything you've been seen. The octopus gives the man a look and says play with it, I haven't even worked out how you get her knickers off yet!

 

[finneyb]

http://www.indy100.com/article/boris-jo ... eo-9070151

Brian

 

[treeturner123]

Brill Brian

 

[Robbo3]

The inventor of predictive text died today.
His funfair is on Sundial.