ScaredyCat
Established Member
Last Christmas I put a cake out on the steps, late evening but when I came back in the morning I found it was stollen...
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Another Joke
- Thread starter Alexam
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finneyb
Established Member
Law of Mechanical Repair -
After your hands become coated with grease,
your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to
pee.
Law of Gravity -
Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped,
will roll to the least accessible place in the
universe.
Law of Probability -
The probability of being watched is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of Random Numbers -
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a
busy signal; someone always answers.
Variation Law -
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one
you were in will always move faster than the
one you are in now.
Law of the Bath -
When the body is fully immersed in water,
the telephone will ring.
Law of Close Encounters -
The probability of meeting someone you know
INCREASES dramatically when you are with
someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result -
When you try to prove to someone that
a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!
Law of Biomechanics -
The severity of the itch is inversely
proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theatre & Football Stadium -
At any event, the people whose seats are
farthest from the aisle, always arrive last.
They are the ones who will leave their seats
several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet
and who leave early before the end of the
performance or the game is over. The folks
in the aisle seats come early, never move
once, have long gangly legs or big bellies
and stay to the bitter end of the performance.
The aisle people also are very surly folk.
The Coffee Law -
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee,
your boss will ask you to do something which
will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers -
If there are only 2 people in a locker room,
they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Physical Surfaces -
The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich
landing face down on a floor are directly
correlated to the newness and cost of the
carpet or rug
Law of Logical Argument -
Anything is possible IF you don't know
what you are talking about.
Law of Physical Appearance -
If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
The 50-50-90 Law
Whenever there's a 50-50 chance of getting something right,
there's a 90% probability that you'll get it wrong.
Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy -
As soon as you find a product that you really
like, they will stop making it OR the store will
stop selling it!
Doctors' Law -
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go
to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel
better. But don't make an appointment and you'll
stay sick.
If you don't forward this to your friends,
your belly button will unscrew - and your bum will fall off.
Really... It's true. I read it on the Internet.
☺
After your hands become coated with grease,
your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to
pee.
Law of Gravity -
Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped,
will roll to the least accessible place in the
universe.
Law of Probability -
The probability of being watched is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of Random Numbers -
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a
busy signal; someone always answers.
Variation Law -
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one
you were in will always move faster than the
one you are in now.
Law of the Bath -
When the body is fully immersed in water,
the telephone will ring.
Law of Close Encounters -
The probability of meeting someone you know
INCREASES dramatically when you are with
someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result -
When you try to prove to someone that
a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!
Law of Biomechanics -
The severity of the itch is inversely
proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theatre & Football Stadium -
At any event, the people whose seats are
farthest from the aisle, always arrive last.
They are the ones who will leave their seats
several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet
and who leave early before the end of the
performance or the game is over. The folks
in the aisle seats come early, never move
once, have long gangly legs or big bellies
and stay to the bitter end of the performance.
The aisle people also are very surly folk.
The Coffee Law -
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee,
your boss will ask you to do something which
will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers -
If there are only 2 people in a locker room,
they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Physical Surfaces -
The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich
landing face down on a floor are directly
correlated to the newness and cost of the
carpet or rug
Law of Logical Argument -
Anything is possible IF you don't know
what you are talking about.
Law of Physical Appearance -
If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
The 50-50-90 Law
Whenever there's a 50-50 chance of getting something right,
there's a 90% probability that you'll get it wrong.
Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy -
As soon as you find a product that you really
like, they will stop making it OR the store will
stop selling it!
Doctors' Law -
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go
to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel
better. But don't make an appointment and you'll
stay sick.
If you don't forward this to your friends,
your belly button will unscrew - and your bum will fall off.
Really... It's true. I read it on the Internet.
☺
AES
Established Member
Some good chuckles (and - unfortunately) some real truths here!
finneyb
Established Member
My wife and I went to the Wisconsin Agricultural State Fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife gave me a healthy *** and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice! a week ! ..........You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.'
My condition has been upgraded from critical
to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife gave me a healthy *** and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice! a week ! ..........You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.'
My condition has been upgraded from critical
to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
Robbo3
Established Member
Important health and safety notice
All employees planning to dash through the snow in a one horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are advised that a Risk Assessment will be required addressing the safety of an open sleigh for members of the public. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.
Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night. While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all users of this facility are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks.
The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that, prior to shining his/her glory all around, s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.
Following last years well-publicised case, everyone is advised that Equal Opportunities legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr R Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.
While it is acknowledged that gift bearing is a common practice in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded, while caution is advised regarding other common gifts such as aromatic resins that may evoke allergic reactions.
Finally, in the recent instance of the infant found tucked up in a manger without a crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.
All employees planning to dash through the snow in a one horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are advised that a Risk Assessment will be required addressing the safety of an open sleigh for members of the public. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.
Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night. While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all users of this facility are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks.
The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that, prior to shining his/her glory all around, s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.
Following last years well-publicised case, everyone is advised that Equal Opportunities legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr R Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.
While it is acknowledged that gift bearing is a common practice in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded, while caution is advised regarding other common gifts such as aromatic resins that may evoke allergic reactions.
Finally, in the recent instance of the infant found tucked up in a manger without a crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.
Robbo3
Established Member
This year Santa had a visit from the Civil Aviation Authority, to check out the airworthiness of the sleigh and reindeer. It did not go well...
The official checked out the sleigh and boarded it for a test flight, Santa piloting. Suddenly he pulled out a 9mm automatic pistol.
"What the hell are you doing?" says Santa.
"I want to see how you handle this craft with one engine out!"
The official checked out the sleigh and boarded it for a test flight, Santa piloting. Suddenly he pulled out a 9mm automatic pistol.
"What the hell are you doing?" says Santa.
"I want to see how you handle this craft with one engine out!"
Robbo3
Established Member
A Christmas Tree Tradition
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
So, frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
So, frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Robbo3
Established Member
I got the missus a belt and bag for Christmas
Hope they fit the vacuum cleaner
My wife said she would like something smelly for Christmas.
Hope she likes the Gorgonzola......
She said she would like something sparkly for Christmas.
I think she'll enjoy the Perrier.
"Can you get some bleach and some washing powder whilst you're out?" my wife asked.
"Can you not wait until you've opened your Christmas presents?" I replied.
"Christmas always reminds me of the time of year when my best mate ran off with my missus."
"Oh yeah, sorry mate, it must bring back bad memories."
"Yeah - (sob) - I really miss him."
The wife has been hinting that she wants something black and lacy for Christmas.
I got her a pair of football boots.
I'm not in the mood for humour right now. I went out today and when I got home all the doors were smashed in and everything was gone.
That's the last time I leave my advent calendar in the same room as my dog.
Rudolf has a red nose so he can guide the way but why does Dasher have a brown nose?
Because he doesn't stop as fast as Rudolf!
Got the wife a new wooden leg for crimbo.
Don't worry it's just a stocking filler.
Hope they fit the vacuum cleaner
My wife said she would like something smelly for Christmas.
Hope she likes the Gorgonzola......
She said she would like something sparkly for Christmas.
I think she'll enjoy the Perrier.
"Can you get some bleach and some washing powder whilst you're out?" my wife asked.
"Can you not wait until you've opened your Christmas presents?" I replied.
"Christmas always reminds me of the time of year when my best mate ran off with my missus."
"Oh yeah, sorry mate, it must bring back bad memories."
"Yeah - (sob) - I really miss him."
The wife has been hinting that she wants something black and lacy for Christmas.
I got her a pair of football boots.
I'm not in the mood for humour right now. I went out today and when I got home all the doors were smashed in and everything was gone.
That's the last time I leave my advent calendar in the same room as my dog.
Rudolf has a red nose so he can guide the way but why does Dasher have a brown nose?
Because he doesn't stop as fast as Rudolf!
Got the wife a new wooden leg for crimbo.
Don't worry it's just a stocking filler.
Robbo3
Established Member
21 things you can only get away with saying at Christmas
1. I prefer breasts to legs
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!
4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5. I've never seen a better spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you put it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning
20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!
21. I do like a good stuffing.
1. I prefer breasts to legs
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!
4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5. I've never seen a better spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you put it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning
20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!
21. I do like a good stuffing.
Two Aussies were out hunting in the outback and came upon a huge hole in the ground.
They approached it and were amazed at its size.
The first said, "Wow mate, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."
The second said, "There's an old gearbox over there. Let's throw it in and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
So, they picked up the heavy gear box, carried it over to the hole, counted one-two-three and heaved it in.
As they were standing there, looking over the edge of the hole, a goat came crashing through the underbrush, ran up to the hole and, without hesitation, jumped in head first.
While they were standing there staring at each other in amazement, they peered into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about.
Just then an old farmer sauntered up. "G'day, you blokes didn't happen to see my goat?"
The first hunter said, "Funny you should ask. We were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a 160 kph and jumped head first into this hole!"
The old farmer said, "Nah, that's impossible! I had him chained to a gearbox."
They approached it and were amazed at its size.
The first said, "Wow mate, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."
The second said, "There's an old gearbox over there. Let's throw it in and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
So, they picked up the heavy gear box, carried it over to the hole, counted one-two-three and heaved it in.
As they were standing there, looking over the edge of the hole, a goat came crashing through the underbrush, ran up to the hole and, without hesitation, jumped in head first.
While they were standing there staring at each other in amazement, they peered into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about.
Just then an old farmer sauntered up. "G'day, you blokes didn't happen to see my goat?"
The first hunter said, "Funny you should ask. We were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a 160 kph and jumped head first into this hole!"
The old farmer said, "Nah, that's impossible! I had him chained to a gearbox."
Phil Pascoe
Established Member
I first heard that one the better part of forty years ago from Jethro.dzj":1fzry33z said:
It was a railway sleeper down a mineshaft then.finneyb
Established Member
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon - I'll let you know.
A bloke with one arm went in the Barbers
he said 'A shave please'
The barber cut his ear, his chin and both sides of his face
Barber asked 'Have you been in here before?'
The chap replied 'No, I lost my arm in the first world war'
he said 'A shave please'
The barber cut his ear, his chin and both sides of his face
Barber asked 'Have you been in here before?'
The chap replied 'No, I lost my arm in the first world war'
Arthur is 85 years old.
He's played golf every day since his retirement 20 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it" he tells his wife "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so
bad. Once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went"
His wife sympathizes.. As they sit down, she has a suggestion: "Why don't
you take my brother with you, and give it one more try"
"That's no good" sighs Arthur "Your brother is ninety two. He can't help"
"He may be ninety two" says the wife "but his eyesight is perfect"
So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.
He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law "Did you see the ball ?"
"Of course I did !", says the brother-in-law "I have perfect eyesight"
"Where did it go ?" asks Arthur.
"Can't remember"
He's played golf every day since his retirement 20 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it" he tells his wife "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so
bad. Once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went"
His wife sympathizes.. As they sit down, she has a suggestion: "Why don't
you take my brother with you, and give it one more try"
"That's no good" sighs Arthur "Your brother is ninety two. He can't help"
"He may be ninety two" says the wife "but his eyesight is perfect"
So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.
He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law "Did you see the ball ?"
"Of course I did !", says the brother-in-law "I have perfect eyesight"
"Where did it go ?" asks Arthur.
"Can't remember"
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