Another Joke

[ScaredyCat]

I've just got rid of my dust collection from my workshop...







... it was just sat in the corner, collecting dust
.

 

[gwaithcoed]

Sprinkled some Viagra dust in my wife's tea. The look on her face when she dipped her biscuit in was a joy to behold

 

[Cordy]

I'm fat, but I identify as slim.

I'm translender.

 

[Phil Pascoe]

At a pub quiz one night a friend said "I think I must be anorexic. Why? I asked (she wasn't exactly sylph like). "Because every time I look in a mirror a fat woman looks back at me".

 

[Robbo3]

Managerium

The heaviest element known to science is Managerium.

This element has no protons or electrons, but has a nucleus made up of 1 neutron, 2 vice-neutrons, 5 junior vice-neutrons, 25 assistant vice-neutrons, and 125 junior assistant vice-neutrons all going round in circles.

Managerium has a half-life of three years, at which time it does not decay but institutes a series of reviews leading to reorganization.

Its molecules are held together by means of the exchange of tiny particles known as morons.

 

[AES]

I've been on the receiving end of that "stuff", more than once Robbo!

 

[Robbo3]

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.

"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.

The man quickly answered. "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

 

[Bm101]

Tickled me.

 

[flying haggis]

An elderly, but hardy cattle farmer from Devon once told a young female neighbour that if she wanted to live a long life the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her breakfast each morning.

She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

 

[nev]

I can't believe how rude the suppositories helpline is!

 

[Cordy]

A priest, a rabbit and a vicar walk into a doctor's surgery to give blood

The doctor asks "What blood type are you"

The rabbit says "I might be a type O"

 

[Robbo3]

Defective Parrot

A fellow is browsing in a pet store, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn’t have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy cow,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!'

'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks. 'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy. You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.

I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!' The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational! He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssst' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'

'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.

'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'

'Yes.'

'Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'
Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

'I DUNNO. I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!'

 

[BHwoodworking]

the british standard mesurement of excess is a foo king

 

[Trainee neophyte]

the british standard mesurement of excess is a foo king

Interesting. I have a dog called Patch, because he looked like a Jack Russel when we got him, and he has a patch over one eye. He now weighs over 40kg, so he's a little bit bigger than a Jack Russell. His name now depends on what he's doing - Damp Patch, Wet Patch, Purple Patch (only once after an incident with some paint), but mostly he is known as King Patch, or should I say "...'king Patch! No! Put the neighbour down! Foo King dog! No!"

I never realised it was a measurement, too.

 

[Nelsun]

"For a more memorable bathroom experience"

[youtube]vRlBtabKRFM[/youtube]

 

[Woody2Shoes]

I hear that in Germany there's a lot of panic buying of sausages and cheese - probably the wurst käse scenario?

 

[MikeG.]

I hear that in Germany there's a lot of panic buying of sausages and cheese - probably the wurst käse scenario?

=D> :lol: NO!!!!!!

 

[AES]

OHHHHHHH Woody .............. ! HOW could you do that to us??????????

BTW, I'm not sure what it's called in Germany, but in Switzerland it's called "Hamster Buying" (true, promise).

But I should add that I really DO like 'orrible puns like that one. Were you also a fan of BBC radio shows like "Round the Horne" and "Beyond our Ken" back in the '60s & 70s?

 

[whiskywill]

Were you also a fan of BBC radio shows like "Round the Horne" and "Beyond our Ken" back in the '60s & 70s?

I listened to Round the Horne just yesterday morning on BBC Radio 4 Extra. It's on every Tuesday morning at 8.30 at the moment. They don't make them like that any more.

p.s. All episodes are available on BBC Sounds.

 

[AES]

Thanks for that whiskeywill.

Unfortunately I can only get R4Extra online - not always the most convenient way to listen. I'm not sure about BBC Sounds, I'll check it out, cheers.